The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Several months ago my dad quit smoking (he claimed it was because he hated his level of addiction, but it was actually because his blood pressure got scary-bad), and last night I discovered he's smoking again, despite having gotten through all his withdrawals last fall. The saddest part to me, though, is realizing I'm not even disappointed; I've so completely given up on the idea that he'll ever take care of himself that I don't even care.

[Pavlov'sBell]

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[CrazyTaraWitch]

Yesterday was a friend of mine's birthday, and she planned several things to do throughout the day in celebration. Since I had a lot of free time and hadn't seen her since before I moved in December, I joined in most of the activities for the day. A lot of the time there were only a couple of us, since people had work and school, which was nice cause I've always been awkward socially and often don't talk much in crowds, especially if there are people I don't know. I was having a really good day. Even dinner, though there were 13 of us including a few people I didn't know, was still fun, and I was happy that I felt comfortable talking a bit with a guy I didn't know. I had planned to bow out for the night before everybody went out drinking (cause I rarely drink and I'm broke, and my social awkwardness always made me assume I'd hate clubs), but my friends talked me into it and a went along. I didn't drink and I hated all the music and the horrible flashing lights, but the first few places we went I had fun. We went to a gay bar first and I liked the atmosphere and since the dance floor was nearly deserted I actually danced with my friends-- something I never expected myself to do. We looked like huge dorks, but it was fun, and I even danced (briefly and awkwardly) with a pretty girl I didn't know. The next few places I went continued to have empty dance floors, so I continued to dance with my friends, and I was surprised at how much I was enjoying myself. Then we went to our last place of the night, a proper dance club filled with people having a great time, with music that didn't horribly suck and no lighting to make you feel like you're having a stroke. My friends were thrilled. I wasn't, but I told myself I was just feeling self-conscious about dancing somewhere with lots of people, many of whom actually seemed like they knew what they were doing. I was hesitant to go on the dance floor, but my best friend dragged me. The second I was out there I started feeling anxious, and the more I tried to dismiss it the worse it got. I couldn't make myself dance, at all, and the longer I was out there the more I was just staring at everyone around me trying to find an escape route that wouldn't require me to get to close to anyone. I felt completely trapped, by all these moving bodies all around me. Finally after the third time one of my friends tried to pull me in to the dancing my best friend noticed my face, took my hand, and led me off the dance floor. It was nearly 5 minutes before I could talk, and even then I couldn't really find the words to explain what had happened. Even now I can't. I sat still for a long time trying to calm myself, and it was 10 minutes before I could successfully take a deep breath. Maybe that's what an anxiety attack feels like, I honestly don't know. When I was first on the dance floor I really thought I was just being a chicken or shy or whatever, and I was trying to convince myself that it could be okay, but it really really wasn't.

I've never liked being around crowds of people (with the exception, for reasons I've never understood, of comic conventions), but I've gotten so much more comfortable socially over the last few years, and then last night I have the worst reaction to a crowd that I've ever had in my life. And there was no alcohol or other substances involved, I wasn't in a bad mood or already feeling anxious. I don't know where that level of anxiety, worse than I've ever felt from anything before, came from or why, but it feels like a huge setback. Part of me knows I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but honestly right now I feel like a failure.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm supposed to be starting a new college in 10 days, but every time one thing goes right about 4 things go wrong, and it feels like I'm getting nowhere.

[Pavlov'sBell]

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[CrazyTaraWitch]

I miss her. All the time. And it *hurts*. I want to be in her life, to comfort her when things go wrong and hear about her days and just share things. It's been over 4 months now, and I still don't... I don't know how to be okay or move on or heal or stop loving her. I don't know how to go on with my life; that sounds horribly dramatic even to me, but I honestly don't know how to stop feeling like my life is wrong.

[JustSkipIt]

It's really hard living with a person who is depressed. And living with a depressed person who does not believe she is depressed. My wife is so clearly depressed and has been on and off since our kids were born. Some months are better than others. Some are worse. There is a part of me that really just feels like saying "You are not miserable because your life sucks. Your life sucks because you are miserable." She chooses unhappiness so much of the time. She chooses to feel persecuted. She chooses to not say what she wants and then to regret not getting it. She doesn't know what she wants to do but she resents not doing it. And she resents me doing anything I want because she doesn't "get" to. The truth is that she is not willing to say what she wants. And she regrets not having friends and friendships. She doesn't call people. She doesn't make an effort. She doesn't work on friendships but she is mad that she doesn't have them. It's everything. And she tells me that much of it is my fault. At least today I can see that this is not really about me. It's about her sadness. Her depression.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel very alone in my life. And I know it's my first week at a new Uni in a new town, and I know I have a couple good friends scattered about the world, but I have no one to share my life with, and it hurts. I had someone, I had a partner, and it's gone and it hurts. And I'm alone.

[Pavlov'sBell]

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[CrazyTaraWitch]

Last week I wrote a letter to my ex. Even as I wrote it I didn't know if I'd send it, but there was just so much I wanted to say... I left it for a couple days, and then talked with my sister, who gave me some advice and thought I should sent it because I'd regret it more if I didn't. So I sent it. I still don't know if I think it was the right thing. It should have arrived by now, but I haven't heard from her. I can't say I'm surprised, but it still hurts...

[Pavlov'sBell]

I feel so alone right now, and it won't simply go away. I tried writing, words won't come. I tried focusing on something, thoughts won't go away.

[Laragh]

A family dog just died. It was peaceful and natural, and he was almost 15, but I thought he had a couple more weeks. I knew he was on borrowed time, but it's still kind of a shock. RIP Murph, I'll miss you buddy.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I just got an updated award letter for the coming school year, and for some reason they lowered my Pell grant by $1500. Fuck!!!!! And because they lowered my grant they raised the loan I'd already accepted. I feel like I just keep getting more and more screwed over... I'm angry, but there's not a damn thing I can do about my grant getting lowered, and even if I could alter the loan amount I probably can't afford to now. Damn damn damn!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Another of my mum's horses has fallen ill... The first one to get sick is doing a bit better but they still don't know what's wrong; it still could be cancer, still could be fatal in the end. The second... Her symptoms are different but worse. She's gone blind and keeps hitting her head. They've eliminated rabies thankfully, but my mum doesn't expect her to make it. It might be cancer or liver failure or any number of things. The vet's coming to see her tomorrow and I only hope that they'll get some answers, and that whether it be life or death that follows her pain ends. I don't know her well, but she's a good horse, and a great mum to her daughter, the horse who came down sick a month ago. It's so sad to know she's in pain, and that there's likely nothing to be done to heal her.

[Pavlov'sBell]

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[CrazyTaraWitch]

My aunt has breast cancer... She's only 57, and as far as I know has always been in good health. I don't know any details, like how bad it is or what treatment she'll get, as my dad only told me in a facebook message. I sort of want to call her, but I wouldn't know what to say; I love her, and I want her to know I care, but I've never called her on the phone in my life. When I was little I saw her about once a year, but in the last 11 years or so I've only seen her 5 or 6 times, so we're not exactly close and I just have no idea what to say.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Having a crappy crappy day... Called my best friend but she was doing stuff with her family and would call later. Called my mum and thought her phone was off (cause it usually is when it goes straight to voicemail), so I sent her a message over facebook asking her to call if she could, and she wrote back a message that seemed really annoyed with me; she said she'd call when her boyfriend got off the phone, but it seemed like she didn't want to so I wrote back not to bother. I hate feeling like I have no one to call on when I need it on top of everything else-- and logically I know I'm overreacting because they're both usually there for me (especially my best friend), but when you're already feeling lonely and the two people that you try to turn to aren't there for you it's hard not feeling even worse.

[Pavlov'sBell]

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[CrazyTaraWitch]

Well fuck... I don't know how since I still have my debit card, but someone's managed to use my bank account and spent $400 in the last 24 hours. So don't need to deal with this when I'm already stressing about money.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I've been trying to get back on a better sleep schedule, but twice this week I've gotten crappy sleep. Today I went to work on about 4-4.5 hours, and was very sleepy and made a couple stupid mistakes. After I got off work I decided to take a nap, and set myself and alarm so that I'd only sleep an hour and a half and still be able to go to bed tonight. Slept through my alarm and woke up nearly 5 hours later, at 8pm. I have work at 9am tomorrow, how am I ever going to get to sleep early enough to not be a total zombie again? Plus I was excited for an ice cream social in my dorm at 7, because it would have been free ice cream and the first social event that wasn't either tied to a basketball game or while I was in class, and I went and slept through it. Add to that numerous bureaucrat issues I'm having with my school, my bank account issue, the fact that for the first time ever my best friend's life is completely alien to me, and my family's general lack of response about me visiting soon, and this week just sucks.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I just got home after a long day at the hospital. Every story has an ending. To you Jim, you were a man well loved. Thank you for being part of my world. 82 years is a long time to be on this planet.

At this moment my heart breaks for your family, especially my close friend who introduced me to you. It's so hard to see others in pain. I didn't allow myself to cry in front of everyone. I will do so in my private time. For now all I can do is think about the moments I shared with you and be there however I can for those you left behind.

This whole thing seems surreal and so sudden. Everything was fine and one day it wasn't. I just went through this a year ago with someone else who is close to me. A year later I'm here again with someone new. A whole different family.

You can't go around grief, you can only go through it. Grief never really goes away, it only takes breaks. Nadie es eterno en este mundo.

[T.G.I.F.]

I feel like shit. My girlfriend broke up with me today and I want her back. It was just two months that we were together but I really want to grow old with her, get married, have kids. I knew that from the very first second I saw her. She said that she couldn't feel how I feel about her and that I was holding back and that it made her unhappy and was feeling depressed. And I was holding back, because of previous relationships. We had a huge fight this weekend and we sorted things out, I was giving everything I had after we made up. Things were going great. I was spontaneous, brought her a kiss at her house when I was home early from work. I stood up for her when she had a fight with her friend. But last night she went to her father and talked about us and suddenly she told me she wanted to quit, because we both needed to work on some things, and she needed space. Fine, I wanted to give her that space. But she kept texting me and told me I needed to change my Facebook relationship status, even though I said I didn't want to do that yet. So I didn't change it but set it to invisible. And then she just flipped. That she didn't want me to change it but to fight for her. I said I didn't change it but hid it, and she started to freak out again that she would throw me of her Facebook completely, and she did. She is calling me things and saying that she never wants to see me anymore, ever. But I know her, she is a very emotionally driven person, to the extremes even. But she keeps texting me things like, I wanted you to fight, and never give up hope. I don't know what to do. I want her back, so so much!

[Laragh]

TGIF: That sounds messy. It blows when people can't be upfront about their feelings and expect you to understand the game they're playing.

OT:I might have cancer. I'm being tested for lymphoma and have to get an ultrasound on a possible enlarged lymph node. All in all it's probably going to be at least a month before I know anything. Trying to just take it day by day because I can't change anything now, but it really sucks hard being stuck in this limbo. Blah.

A years later edit: so much of this was anxiety and catastrophizing. If anyone is going through something similar, you're probably fine! Everything will be okay.

[T.G.I.F.]

@Laragh: It is messy. But I would do anything for her. She now tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and even considered coming over to my place. I think I will just give her some space, but let her know that I am there if she needs me. Pfff, I need some sleep.

And damn, that is heavy. I dearly hope you don't have cancer and it's something else. All the best wishes and prayers to you!!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I've been doing so well the last few weeks, and now here I am crying over my ex again. On Tuesday it'll be 6 months since she ended it and I still... I've managed to convince myself I'm okay, but right now I don't feel okay. It's only recently sunk in that I don't think I'll ever talk to her again, and there are some things only she understands, and I keep thinking I'm doing better but then there are moments when there are things I want to share with her where it still hurts so much. I know I'm not as broken as I was, but it's like I'd convinced myself I was all put back together and then found a tiny piece missing and it just sucks to realize I'm still not whole.

[Kessari]

ESPN America is no longer airing in Germany... This totally bums me out. It was my favourite TV channel...

[Pavlov'sBell]

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[CrazyTaraWitch]

I love all my siblings, but I have this one sister who (even though we're not super close) I really feel is one of the most wonderful people ever. She's sweet and kind and upbeat and smart, and she's good with tough love when it's needed but most of the time she's just happy and playful and incredibly loving. She's 26 and happily married with a reasonably stable job, and she wants so badly to be a mom, and she would be amazing. But she has ovarian problems, and a few years ago she had a miscarriage; I thought it was simply going to be hard for her to have children naturally, and she'd need fertility treatments and special care, but when I was visiting my family this week my stepmum told me that my sister has since figured out she will almost certainly never be able to carry a child to term, and trying would be a huge risk to her health. That's awful enough, but what's way way worse is her husband, who apparently doesn't believe in adoption.
This is a guy who calls his stepfather Dad and adores the man, who has brothers he's not related to that he loves, and who is married to a woman who has 4 parents and 6 siblings with exactly half of each non-biological. And this is a guy who's been wanting to be a dad for years, and who went through the pain of the miscarriage right alongside my sister. My sister deserves to be a mom, and I just cannot understand her husband saying no to the one option they have. It makes me so sad and so angry at the same time.

[faolan228]

I'm so stressed and tired all the time. I know I chose this path. Pre-med/pre-physical therapy is not an easy or stress free path.

But I'm so lonely. All my best friends are in America, and while I've made friends here, everyone is so conservative that I have to hold back and not really be myself. My friends back home rarely ever speak to me. I know, they're college kids too and the time difference and all. But it still hurts.

I'm always tired. I'm always coughing. I always have a headache. I've collapsed twice

I've quit heavy drinking, but not the smoking. Sometimes a j and the folks on Tumblr are the only thing that gets me through the day, with all the stress. All creative fancy is gone. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed at something in real life.

I've always been health conscious, and I know it's not that.

I think my soul is dying.

[Pavlov'sBell]

faolan228- Aww, I'm sorry baby. I can't even really begin to imagine what you might be feeling right now. Are you still in the hopsital? I remember you mentioning that on Tumblr last night. I hope everything's ok with you, you're one of my Tumblr buddies You know how to reach me if you wanna talk, my PC/Phone Mobile is always on Take care