A Moment of Truth

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I think I've really stopped caring about my class. It's pathetically easy and I knew about 3/4 of the content going in. I studied about an hour for the last test and made a 100. Maybe I should be glad for the easy A, but honestly it just makes me sad. This was supposed to be a good school damn it! They sure as hell charge enough I ought to be getting a decent education out of it. I hate that it's my first session here and I'm already done caring; I fear that in the Fall even if my classes are harder I won't get my motivation and dedication back.

[writerfreak]

My grandmother is very very sick. The doctors say she isn't going to get better, and that we need to pull the plug. I honestly have no idea what to do. I knew the moment they put her in the hospital that they did it was the last stop, everyone who had experience with family going there told me she isn't going to come out of it. She's never going to get to go home and they were right. I just hope that whatever happens she's not in pain anymore. I hope I get to at least say goodbye.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I really feel like I have fucked up big time... I thought returning to school would make me feel like my life was more together, not less, but since I got there (and even before, really) it feels like nearly everything has gone wrong. My summer class was awful, my finances continually turn out worse than I expected, I didn't get approved for the fall schedule I wanted, every little thing I try to do turns out to be 3 times as complicated as it should for stupid bureaucratic reasons, I've had stuff stolen, and though I managed to get a work-study job it sucks, and even though I hate it I'm nearly in tears because I've screwed it up horribly. I don't like the school and I honestly do not want to be there, but I'm too far in to back out. I just feel like I've screwed up my life all over again, by picking this school and starting in the summer and not finding different housing for the fall and taking a job I knew I didn't want and then fucking up the job so that it's now going to be worse than ever. I really and truly wish that I could go back and pick a different path, because this one is making me miserable.

[woahnellie]

I always wonder what it would be if we never broke up and I traveled across the country to see her. I've found the one but it's hard to give up your first love.

[Finey_McFine]

Trying to plan a vacation with my wife is right up there with water boarding and kneecapping. I'd rather just not go at all.

[EasierSaid]

Looking forward to getting "me" time back.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

There's a girl I like--not romantically, just as a person. She's nice and she's a geek and she loves Doctor Who. She approached me a week ago to compliment my tattoo, and we talked briefly; since then I've found she's in my choir class--even my same section--and we ate lunch at the same table one day. I like her and I want to be her friend. And I don't know how. I'm 23 years old, and I can't figure out how to become friends with someone, even someone who approached me first and I know I share interests with.

I want friends, but sometimes I feel like it's just not going to happen. And I know that saying that is sort of a cop-out cause I need to make the effort, but honestly all this social crap is intimidating and I'm pathetically clueless.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am alone.

[JustSkipIt]

My son is having a really hard time and it's really stressing out the entire family. I want to believe that things are going to get better. We are waiting for some supplements that should be available tomorrow and then they may start working a week or two or a month or two. I don't even know how he can exist with the amount of panic and anxiety he currently feels. It breaks my heart to see him that upset every moment of every day. And... God. We are all so tired. I just... want him to feel better and start to have a normal life. Or semi normal. Or palatable. Or something...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Not sure if this is the right thread, but I needed to post this somewhere and wasn't sure where to put it...

Logically I know I have very little evidence, but I'm worried I might have skin cancer. I'm not a hypochondriac and rarely get concerned about stuff with my body/health (perhaps even less than I should), but today in my Anatomy class we talked about signs of melanoma, and now I am worried. I have quite a few moles, and a while ago my mum said she thought I should have one of them looked at, but I ignored it; oddly, now that I know the "rules" of what to look for, that particular mole isn't causing me much concern. During and immediately after class I looked at all my easily-visible moles and decided they seemed okay--one of them has a diameter of 8mm when it should only be about 6mm, but that still seemed like a reasonable margin size to me. I moved on to the rest of my day and didn't give skin cancer another thought until I got out of the shower tonight, when I noticed 4 moles in the same area on my back, 2 of which are definitely over 6mm (I can't measure them very well, but I would estimate 9-10mm), and one on my chest that has slightly different colours.

Now I'm thinking about how bad I am at remembering sunscreen, cause I never spend more time in the sun than I have to so I figure it doesn't matter but what if it does, and I'm thinking about that one bad sunburn I got 8 years ago, and I'm thinking about relatives on both sides getting breast cancer and wondering if that could mean I'm at greater risk for other kinds of cancer, and I'm way more worried than I should be. Realistically I know it's almost certainly okay, but my mind just keeps going there. I want to have a professional look at them asap so that I can (hopefully) be told it's all okay and stop worrying, but the student health center at my Uni won't be open until Tuesday and even though logically I know 3 extra days won't make a difference I think for me emotionally it will, so I might go by a clinic tomorrow. Not how I want to spend my Saturday, but I also don't want to spend my next 3 days worrying I might have cancer...

[Laragh]

Now I'm thinking about how bad I am at remembering sunscreen, cause I never spend more time in the sun than I have to so I figure it doesn't matter but what if it does, and I'm thinking about that one bad sunburn I got 8 years ago, and I'm thinking about relatives on both sides getting breast cancer and wondering if that could mean I'm at greater risk for other kinds of cancer, and I'm way more worried than I should be. Realistically I know it's almost certainly okay, but my mind just keeps going there. I want to have a professional look at them asap so that I can (hopefully) be told it's all okay and stop worrying, but the student health center at my Uni won't be open until Tuesday and even though logically I know 3 extra days won't make a difference I think for me emotionally it will, so I might go by a clinic tomorrow. Not how I want to spend my Saturday, but I also don't want to spend my next 3 days worrying I might have cancer...

I would say if it's at all possible to get seen sooner, do it. Not just for potential risk (which really probably is fine) but your own piece of mind. I found lumps under my arms like you, on a Friday, and wouldn't be able to see my doctor until Tuesday. It was a horrible weekend, even knowing they probably were (and actually were) cysts. Good luck with whatever you do (and I won't say try not to worry, because I know it's next to impossible...but don't freak out unless you have to )

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I would say if it's at all possible to get seen sooner, do it. Not just for potential risk (which really probably is fine) but your own piece of mind. I found lumps under my arms like you, on a Friday, and wouldn't be able to see my doctor until Tuesday. It was a horrible weekend, even knowing they probably were (and actually were) cysts. Good luck with whatever you do (and I won't say try not to worry, because I know it's next to impossible...but don't freak out unless you have to )

Thanks for the advice Laragh! I did a lot of research last night as I couldn't sleep, and I'm not *as* concerned as I was, but I'm still considering going to the clinic. Glad your lumps turned out to be okay!


ETA: The Clinic says there's no point in coming in and I should just see a dermatologist... Damn. 1. That's going to cost money I can't afford, 2. It will likely take weeks to schedule an appointment, and 3. I don't know any doctors in the area and have no idea what dermatologists would be best to go to or how to find out without a referral. Damn damn damn. I guess I'll go to the student health center Tuesday and see if they can be any more helpful...

[YellowQuirkyTeacup]

The only time I'm allowed to not be okay is when no one knows who I am.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I only believe in having 1 best friend. For me it's sacred that only one person holds that title. I've known my BFF for 12 years now. In these 12 years we have only had at least 5 serious arguments. Lately though I feel like I am losing interest in knowing him. It's not because he's a bad person or anything. Simply cos I feel like the girl who doesn't get attention from the person you want it the most. I don't mean this in a poor me way. I mean in the sense that I literally get nothing from him. Actual effort for quality time or just to sit down and talk. It's not even because he's too busy. If anyone is busy it's me, but I make time for anything and anyone. He has managed to disappoint me more and more as time passes. It really hurts and sucks big time!

My birthday is coming up and instead of sharing a special moment with him I'll be doing it alone. In the end I am use to being the lone wolf so it doesn't matter, but it does matter when it's on what's suppose to be a special day. I even told him too bad my name isn't Amazon.com because it's amazing how he has money to spend on that, but can't drop money on a hot air ballon ride. Really dude? I love you so much Jerry, but you have sucked big time these past few months. Keep it up and my real moment of truth is that I won't care anymore and be like whatever with you.

[JustSkipIt]

Note to me. When you think "should" or "shouldn't" you are not being truthful and kind. If you think "this shouldn't be this hard..." you are judging it. When that happens I need to take a breath and accept the world as I receive it.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am bitter and jealous. These are rare feelings for me and I am hating it about myself, but that is where I am right now. I can't seem to feel any goodwill for my classmates that get to go on an amazing trip, because I don't. And yeah, I do think it's sort of unfair that half of them got to go on almost the exact same trip last spring while I'll never have another chance, but that shouldn't really matter; they get a wonderful opportunity and I want to be happy for them, but I'm not. Today one girl was talking about how it will be really cold and snowy in Dublin, and how she'll need a better coat, and I just felt such resentment. I am trying to get over it, but I still find myself blaming my classmates because they got chosen over me. Usually I'm a good loser, but this time I am just... resentful.

[Laragh]

Today one girl was talking about how it will be really cold and snowy in Dublin, and how she'll need a better coat, and I just felt such resentment.

If it helps, if it does snow it will be horrible slush and everything will shut down, but it is just far far more likely that it will be constantly raining and grey. Tell her to get a rainjacket.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't think people like me in person. I have a handful of in-person friends, but only 1 that I'm close to. Here at school, I seem incapable of making friends. Even my roommate, whom I thought I was getting along with okay, is switching rooms; she told me it was only because she wanted to room with a friend, but the last few days she's been completely avoiding the room. Other than my best friend, the only close friends I have I've never met. My ex and I had a great year together before I moved there, and then almost as soon as we started spending time together in person she seemed bored and it all fell apart, like being around me in person was what screwed it all up. I can't help feeling like I'm the problem, like there's something wrong with me that I just can't interact or connect face to face.
And it's not really about right now. I can get through the next close to 2 years without friends. But what comes after? What if I never get passed this, never make friends?

[Finey_McFine]

High School extracurricular activities are fucking expensive. Two kids, two weeks = $500. Ridiculous.

[T.G.I.F.]

My ex-girlfriend is asleep in my bed right now. We would have been together four months today but we didn't make it (yet). We work very well as good friends, but I miss her. I miss her as my girlfriend. We had a very good conversation last night in which she told me a made a lot of progress and she is proud of me. We slept together, she is still here and it feels nice. Nice, but weird. I want her back.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My life here is finally starting to get okay; I still don't have friends, but my classes are going pretty well and I'm enjoying voice lessons, and I'm excited to act in a play. I'm also terrified that I'm overloading myself, and might crack under the pressure. Voice has a lot of work, and my first formal performance is Monday; Choir has an incredible amount of music to learn, and our first performance is in two weeks with two more the week after; Chemistry moves very quickly and even though I'm doing well grade-wise I know I'm not putting in the effort to learn the material thoroughly; Anatomy has an insane amount of memorization and I haven't felt fully prepared since the first week; the play has 6 rehearsals in the next three weeks and then a performance the same day as two choir performances; Composition is easy in class but I'm nervous about the first formal paper; then there's work on top of it all, which is low stress but still takes 15 hours of my week. When I'm going moment to moment, things feel pretty fun and okay, but I'm starting to forget important things, and when I actually stop and think my schedule seems very very full. There's not much time for knitting or reading or watching Doctor Who, and I don't do well without downtime. So for the moment things are going well, but at the same time I'm anxious that they're going to fall apart. Which might explain why I've had trouble sleeping...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It seems like I always come back to this, the fact I have no one here. And I know I rant about it too much, to myself and to my best friends and here, but it bothers me and I don't know how to be okay with it. Choir and theatre are really social and everyone's nice and it's a fun environment, but everybody's friends with at least somebody else. Everyone but me. Choir has 3 pairs of roommates, and a pair that work together, and there are loads of friendships; the two people I like best in the whole class have become good friends with each other, but not with me. Half of the choir usually goes to the dining hall after lunch, and a lot of them eat together, but I eat alone. Everyone's nice, and on the occasions I've interacted with anyone it's been pleasant, but I don't have a single friend. I want to. I want to have someone to sit with and talk with and laugh with.

A's really funny and crazy and she likes Doctor Who and Sherlock and Dr. Horrible and reads. K's quiet and shy but in the way I find appealing, and she's nice and loves Doctor Who and Sherlock and Harry Potter and other nerdy things. J's smart and enthusiastic about everything and friendly and a hilarious actor, and he loves Doctor Who and wants to be a librarian. B is geeky and playful and very willing to laugh at himself. I *like* these people. They're people I want to be friends with. And I can't for the life of me initiate a conversation with any of them.

I'm tired of being the only one that doesn't have anyone...

[Finey_McFine]

I'm too old to work 17 hour days...especially when I'm still sick. Me need sleep.

[Ariel]

I'm too old to get by on 5 hours of sleep and shine the next day. Bed now.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Sometimes I feel like an alien. I seem to speak a language that people don't understand or something. Few people actually do get me, but it's disappointing to see how some people put money first and people second. Some people just don't get it.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Today I had one of the best evenings I've had in a long time. Because a girl gave me a ride. I honestly can't figure out whether or not I like her as more than a friend, but hanging out with her, even for a short time, just felt *good*. We talked easily, which is rare for me, and about all sorts of things. I think she enjoyed my company, but it ended there for her. It didn't for me. I don't know whether my feelings are romantic or not, but I felt something special, and even though it was great to have that fun and easy time, it also makes me sort of sad that it meant more to me than to her.

[Dennio]

When you put your mind to something, you can do lots of things....

Like read over 300,000 words of Fanfiction in less than two days which is sadly more than most my entire class would read in a year.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm not unhappy with my life, at least not excessively, but when I look at where I am... It's so not where I would have wanted to be at 24. I'm still years away from having kids, even though were times I thought I would already be a mum by now. Right now, the part that gets me the most is that I'm alone. I've been missing my ex so much the last few days, more than in a long time. Partly I miss *her*, and partly I just hate that I don't have someone. There's no one to spend tomorrow with, not even a special someone to wish me happy birthday. I have no one to plan a future. I have no one. No one to love, no one to love me. I have two close friends, and one of my sisters, and my mum, and other friends and family I'm not close to but care about, but none of it's the same. I want a partner. I know 24 is still young in the grand scheme of things, but I just thought I would be so much farther in my life by now... I want a wife and kids and a home and a career. Instead I'm in college, living in a dorm, working a crappy job I hate, and most of all I'm alone. I'm no where close to having someone. And it hurts. It hurts to be no where near having someone, and to know that I did have someone-- I did have love-- and I lost it.

[JustSkipIt]

I got Laser hair removal on my ... uh... Brazilian area today. I was quite nervous ahead of time both because LASERS and because I wanted to make sure Rachel will like it. I got waxing 6-8 times last year but then let it lapse. So I looked into this. It will take like 6-10 visits to actually be permanent. So we'll see how I like it. I'm cautiously excited.

[Finey_McFine]

"FIRE THE LASER!!"

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9n9BSLKmyTo

Sorry...I just couldn't let the opportunity pass.