Ridiculous Conversations

[Finey_McFine]

Here's one a friend posted on FB that she had with her teenage daughters...

Another story brought to you by the "Not Harvard Bound Files":

MOM: So you know that man child on Glee who plays Finn? Yeah, he died!
K: I heard that. That's so sad.
A: Oh no!...Does that mean he won't be on Glee anymore?
MOM: Uh, yeah...pretty much.

****************************************************************************************

Here's another between a different friend and her son. He's 8 and was telling a story about something that happened at school:

N: That was the day Johnny had a conniption fit at school
MOM: And what did your teacher do?
N: Well, some teachers press the call button, but not Mr. B
MOM: Really, what did he do?
N: He just used one of those really, really old fashion antique type phones and pretended to call. They're OLD and have cords and stuff...you know Mom, like when you were a kid.

******************************************************************************************

And finally, the last one is from my child, I've always felt she could give Willow a run for her money...

J: OH! Let me tell you about what happened with his kid in my school. His name is Gavin and he's really short. Um, I have no idea why I said that because it doesn't even matter. I mean, he could be tall or medium size and it wouldn't matter at all to this story. He's just a guy whose popular and obnoxious and well, he's short, but it doesn't matter and-
US: GET TO THE POINT!!!
J: He got kicked in the nuts.

[Finey_McFine]

Watching the news with my wife. She was trying to have a serious conversation with me...

WIFE: Geez, that guy just doesn't know when to quit.
ME: I know, I can't believe he decided to run for office again and in NY no less. I feel a little bad for his wife.
WIFE: Not me, because if I was his wife, I'd have been out of there the first time around.
ME: Yep, no idea why she stays. It's gotta be totally humiliating.
WIFE: Not to mention the fact that his last name's Weiner. No wonder she kept her maiden name.
ME: (In my best Butthead impersonation) Uh, huh huh...you said Weiner.
WIFE: *Rolls eyes. Walks out of room.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Overheard while my roommate (who is a lesbian) was skyping with a friend:

"It's hard to date a lesbian, if you're a guy."

[JustSkipIt]

Every fucking conversation I've ever had with my wife about the gym, joining a gym, belonging to a gym, working out, health, or our treadmill.

[sweet satin lover]

ok so my sister Lisa and I were in a gardening place and I ended up purchasing a christmas/yule tree its got fibre optics on it and all these fibre optic stars that light up its amazing, a bit taller than my very tall 5 year old nephew lol and its so pretty anyway when my sister was buying it for me the conversation went like this:
Lisa: I cant believe we are buying a yule tree in August we came in for a gift for mum and a cuppa tea and we are walking out with a christmas/yule tree.
Me: Well we did have the tea and scones and well yeah it is like bright sunshine and boiling outside, so festive ( we both cracked up laughing)
then she offered to buy it for me ( it was 50 pounds reduced to twenty) and she said "You cant buy your own festive tree Caroline" and smiled at me. I have decided to make one of the trees I have into a samhain tree with orange and black decorations for oct 31st and then again for yule and christmas with different colours and we were talking about that

[Finey_McFine]

J: Hey Mom, guess what?
ME: What?
J: K found your jacket!
ME: What jacket?
J: The gray one you thought you lost at the movie theatre.
ME: Really?! Awesome! I love that jacket, it's my favorite!
J: Yeah, I know and I knew you'd be happy.
ME: Hey K, where'd you find it?
K: Deep in the cushions of the big chair.
ME: What made you stick your hand down there?
K: Oh, I lost my pants at the sleepover.
ME: Um......

[JustSkipIt]

I want a like button on these posts.

[sweet satin lover]

Me talking to my sister: "Lisa do you have a pen?"
Lisa:No...hmmm...wait oh yes of course I have a pen I'm a lawyer"

[Finey_McFine]

Between my daughter and her Uncle Gary while they watched Tangled...

JORDAN: Where did that come from, you know kissing a frog and getting a Prince?
GARY: I have no idea...
JORDAN: Well, no guy is worth kissing a frog.
GARY: I used to kiss every frog I saw...
JORDAN: GROSS!! Hey, let's watch Pitch Perfect.
GARY: What's it about?
JORDAN: It's SO funny! It's about this group of girls that sing arca...archa...acapella! I can never remember the word. I always think Alpaca.
GARY: Isn't that a rat?
JORDAN: No silly, it's a movie.
GARY: A movie about rats or bats or some kind of animal?
JORDAN: Nooooo, it's a movie about singing in Alpaca groups in college.
GARY: Groups of girl rats singing in college?
JORDAN: OMG! An Alpaca is like a Llama, not a rat!!!
GARY: Oh, so what is this movie about?

[Finey_McFine]

As always, a conversation with my daughter. This time talking about her brother...

JORDAN: Hey Mom, guess what?!
ME: What?
JORDAN: So there's this girl in our math class that likes Jesse. They're always talking and he actually giggles when he's around her.
ME: How do you know she "likes him - likes him?"
JORDAN: Cuz me and B asked her and she said she did. Then I asked him and he said he liked her so I told him that he HAD to ask her to Homecoming.
ME: What did he say?
JORDAN: He said he'd think about it.
ME: Wow, so this girl really likes him?
JORDAN: Hahaha, thats what I said too! But see, the thing is...she's not exactly the prettiest flower in the teapot.
ME: *stares blankly* Prettiest flower in the teapot?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

English professor, exasperated at the class's general lack of knowledge regarding Christianity/the Bible: "Come on, you're not all heathens!"
Me: "I am!"

[Finey_McFine]

My Nephew's side of the story...

ME: So, you seem happier this week. I guess things at school are getting better?
JESSE: Meh, I guess, but you didn't see me yesterday after school. I was pretty pissy.
ME: Why were you pissy?
JESSE: Well, it was because Jordan stole the front seat.
ME: Literally?
JESSE: No! Of course not literally, but she still stole it from me. And I even had my backpack there to claim the spot AND Aunt Chris didn't say anything when Jordan stole it!
ME: Must have been an absolutely horrible 5 minute ride home from school. Wait a minute, how was your backpack already in the front seat?
JESSE: Oh no, I had the front seat after school. This happened after we came out of McDonalds.
ME: Ohhh, so you got the front seat from school to McDonalds and Jordan "stole" it and you were forced to ride in the back for 3 whole minutes?
JESSE: Yeah and Aunt Chris didn't even care . Jordan just got away with it...like she always does.
ME: So, it was all Aunt Chris' fault?
JESSE: Yep, pretty much ruined my whole day.

My daughter's side of the story...

JORDAN: Mom, guess what?
ME: What?
JORDAN: I haven't been talking to Jesse much in the last day or so.
ME: Why?
JORDAN: Jesse cussed me out and Mommy didn't say a word. Then I said something back and she yelled at me for cussing!!!
ME: What happened?
JORDAN: Jesse got the front seat after school and when we came out of McDonalds, I called shotgun and got the front. Jesse was mad and cussed at me saying he didn't want my feet on his backpack.
ME: Ok, then...???
JORDAN: So, he cussed me out! I said something back and MOMMY "screamed" at me.
ME: I doubt she screamed. There has to be more to the story.
JORDAN: Yeah, there's more. I was forced to ride laid back in the seat with my feet on the dash because God forbid I touch his precious backpack!! Again, Mommy said NOTHING!
ME: So, it's all Mommy's fault.
JORDAN: Yep, pretty much ruined my whole day.

[Ariel]

Producer: You should give notes one-on-one so the actors don't get their feelings hurt
Me: I had two rehearsals of less than 3 hours each to direct a 12 actor show with the whole cast only there for one of them. And an 18 person show and a 10 person show and a 7 person show and a 6 person show and a 14 person show all with two rehearsals. Who complained?
Producer: (gives a name)
Me: You mean the person who isn't a cast member in any of the 6 shows I directed this summer and isn't a close friend or partner to anyone who is?
Producer: Mmhm.
Me: I'll remember that. . . thanks DOPE!!! Wait, he's the Producer, that'll be Mr. Dope.

btw I got three letters from cast members thanking me for helping them improve, several verbal thank-yous and we closed each session of notes with hugs, I wasn't exactly a tyrant! Thanks for listening, I worked like crazy and couldn't believe it when he said that.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

At the hospital while visiting a friend we were playing Skip Bo. A nurse walks in and...

NURSE: What are you guys playing?
ME: Skip Bo
NURSE: I never heard of that game. Hey, have you ever played Candy Crush?
ME: Skip Bo is a fun game. Candy Crush? Dear God what is it with people and that game? I'm too good for Candy Crush girl.
NURSE: Why do you say that?
ME: I am uninterested in that game. Plus, I don't have an addictive personality.
NURSE: I have a friend who spends $300 on Candy Crush.
ME: Are you serious? That is a lot of money. Do you know what I could do with $300?
NURSE: Well, she says it's no different from her going to the casino and losing money.
ME: That is a cop out. What a poor excuse. At least at the casino you have a chance to win back your money or come up big.
NURSE: That is true. I should tell her that.
ME: Besides if she likes to throw away money like that tell her to come see me. I will crush all kinds of candy in front of her. Hell, I'll even Riverdance on it.
NURSE and my FRIEND: LOL
ME: Shaking my head

[Paint the Sky]

Had a friend and her little boy here for dinner today. I made roast chicken, and the conversation went like this:

Friend: This chicken is lovely, really tender

Me: Thank you, there is more if you want some. I just gave you white meat, so if you want a leg, help yourself.

Friend: What's the leg? Is it like a drumstick?

Me: (trying not choke) Um, yeah, that's the leg.

Friend: How many are there?

Me: (now choking with laughter) Just the usual.

Friend: (laughing) Was I being really stupid there?

Me: No, just the usual ....

[CrazyTaraWitch]

One of my bosses has a 5 year old son, B. Today, while eating an apple at her desk, I heard her say very casually: I don't think it's a poisoned apple. Sometimes B poisons my food.

[Dennio]

Context: It was my Mom's birthday a few days ago and my sister made a cake yesterday for the celebration and so I had a piece of cake this morning for breakfast (ahem at 3 PM) and so since there was a big piece cut out she asked if I ate the piece.

Mom: Did you have a piece of cake?
Me: When I was younger.

[Finey_McFine]

J: Hey Mom?
ME: Yeah.
J: Wanna hear some jokes?
ME: Do I have a choice?
J: No. Ok, here goes... How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
ME: I don't know, how?
J: You kick his sister in the jaw.
ME:
J: Ok, ok...here's another one. What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
ME: ??
J: Nothing, they were stuck up bitches!!!
ME: Ok...that one was funny.
J: Yeah, I LOVED that one.
ME: Hey, what ever happened to those cute popsicle stick jokes you used to read?
J: I'm in high school now, I've moved on...
ME: Great.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Background: I'm the only member of my family (3 parents, 4 siblings) who's never done drugs.


My father last night: "Not that I'm saying you *should* do psychadelics, but..."

Don't most parents try to convince their kids not to do drugs, rather than discussing how awesome they are?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Last night I babysat the girl I used to nanny, A (now almost 4), and her little sister H.

A was throwing around her stuffed dog, Chaco:
A: Chaco's flying!
Me: Where's he flying?
A: Virginia!
Me: What's in Virginia?
A *excited*: NOTHING!

Later:
Me: Where are you going for Christmas?
A: New York!
Me: And Mommy and Daddy and H are going with you?
A: H is staying
Me: H is your sister, she lives with you and she's going with you.
A: H isn't my sister. C's my brother!
Me: C's your friend, but H is your sister. She'll always be your sister, just like your mommy has a brother and he'll always be her brother.
A: No, C's my brother.
Me: What about C's brothers? He has E and F.
A: E and F are my brothers too!

The conversation went on for almost 5 minutes before I gave up...

[JustSkipIt]

Like 1/2 of the conversations while I'm here (at my in-laws'). For example:

Me to my father-in-law and sister-in-law: "So what time will D's family be here?"
FIL: "Well the're leaving their house about 10:00 so they'll be here about 1:30 or 2:00."
(information: D's house is 1:10 - 1:20 away depending on traffic)
Me: "Uh... It's that only about a 1:30 drive?"
FIL: "Well, yeah. I'm rounding. They'll be here about 2:00 - 2:30."
SIL - Literally repeats each word he says. Each word.
Me: "Oookkkkk. Uh. Thanks"

They arrived about 3:30.

Later an equally ridiculous conversation with my SIL about her wanting a Kindle Fire but not wanting to pay for internet service (yes, it is 2013 even here).

[dtburanek]

I am so glad I found this thread. I am sure I will have better gems to come but I thought I would provide something.

Long time ago at a Starbucks. I am staring at the board and probably going to order what I usually do. They start suggesting drinks to which I reply....

"No thanks, I don't drink coffee."

I got a strange look from the barista.

Better than the reponse I got the other day when I said I don't like coffee.

"Are you a Mormon like us?"

Seriously, I am more likely to ping someone's Mormon-dar than their gaydar and I hate it.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

[Finey_McFine]

There's a reason we call them 'Jordan-isms.'

ME: I saw a hilarious video today about a fake twerking intervention. I'll show it to you when we get home.
J: Oh, I saw that a long time ago.
ME: How do you see all this stuff way before I do?
J: Because I go on youtube to look up something important-
ME: Like research for school?
J: Yeah Mom, for school. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I'll be looking for important stuff, like clips of One Direction when they were on the X-Factor and the next thing I know, it's two hours later and I'm watching a cat twerk. Sometimes I just go off on a tange.
ME: Um, I'm sorry...a 'tange?'
J: Yeah, you know when you start one thing and it leads to another and another and another... That's not the right word, is it?
ME: Uh, I don't even think it's a word at all, much less right. Did you mean a tangent?
J: YES! That's what I said!!!! Geez.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

A week ago I babysat A and H again. While H was napping, A and I made art. Usually she draws things by herself, which I encourage, but she asked for help to write some words (she's not quite 4 and still learning her letters). Then this happened:

A: Will you help me draw a tortoise?
Me: Sure!
*we begin to draw*
A: What's that?
Me: It's the shell.
A: Where are the walls?
Me (confused): Tortoises don't have walls.
A: But the people will fall off!
Me: ...There aren't any people on a tortoise.
A (getting frustrated): Yes there are!
Me: A tortoise is a turtle.
A: No it's not!
Me: Then what is it?
A: It's a spaceship!

...She was trying to say TARDIS! She used to know what it was, way back when I saw her everyday, cause she'd ask questions about my tattoo and I'd tell her about it, but when I've seen her in the last year and a half she hasn't shown much interest, so this interaction pretty much blew my mind. (Made me proud though!)

[Finey_McFine]

I'm in my back office working and I intercom to one of the associates up front:

ME: Hey, did the internet on your computer start working after I ran the update?
K: No, so I'm working on Firefox.
ME: On your computer?
K: Yes.
ME: I thought the internet wasn't working?
K: It's not.
ME: Well, if you're on Firefox on your computer, then it's working.
K: NO, I SAID IT'S NOT WORKING!!!
ME: I don't understand. Is the internet working on your computer or not?
K: No, it's not working.
ME: So, what computer are you on?
K: MINE
ME: If the internet's not working, then exactly HOW are you online on your computer?
K: I'm just using Firefox, geez.
ME: *sighs* Never mind.

[Finey_McFine]

So, my child left with her hs orchestra on a 6 day trip to Orlando. They were supposed to drive straight through (19 hours) and start today at Disney's Animal Kingdom. Unfortunately, their bus broke down somewhere in Louisiana, stranding them at a hotel until another bus arrived to pick them up...at 2:00am. This is the text messages she sent me this morning...

J: If possible, can I please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,.........get hunter Hayes tickets for next Saturday????? PRETTY PLEASE!!! Did I mention P-L-E-A-S-E??!!
ME: Good morning Monkey! Where are you guys??
J: Just passed the Battleship we visited in January. So, Florida?
ME: What time did you finally leave the hotel?
J: Around 2am. Um, well???
ME: I'll check out availability and prices, but that's all I can promise. We have a lot going on next Saturday. Remember Uncle G is coming?? Not to mention we just gave you lot's of $$$$$ for this trip!!!!
J: Oh yeah, I forgot, lol and I know. I just remembered the concert and I was listening to him and I was OMG he is sooooooo amazing and I looked for tickets online and you know he's coming to Houston for the rodeo, so yeah, I freaked out. Plus, I'm running on like 3 hours of sleep. Earlier I thought I saw an elephant's trunk in a river. Turns out it was a log, but I believed it!!!
ME: OMG! Goofball!
J: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................................

[Laragh]

So, my child left with her hs orchestra on a 6 day trip to Orlando. They were supposed to drive straight through (19 hours) and start today at Disney's Animal Kingdom. Unfortunately, their bus broke down somewhere in Louisiana, stranding them at a hotel until another bus arrived to pick them up...at 2:00am. This is the text messages she sent me this morning...

J: If possible, can I please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,.........get hunter Hayes tickets for next Saturday????? PRETTY PLEASE!!! Did I mention P-L-E-A-S-E??!!
ME: Good morning Monkey! Where are you guys??
J: Just passed the Battleship we visited in January. So, Florida?
ME: What time did you finally leave the hotel?
J: Around 2am. Um, well???
ME: I'll check out availability and prices, but that's all I can promise. We have a lot going on next Saturday. Remember Uncle G is coming?? Not to mention we just gave you lot's of $$$$$ for this trip!!!!
J: Oh yeah, I forgot, lol and I know. I just remembered the concert and I was listening to him and I was OMG he is sooooooo amazing and I looked for tickets online and you know he's coming to Houston for the rodeo, so yeah, I freaked out. Plus, I'm running on like 3 hours of sleep. Earlier I thought I saw an elephant's trunk in a river. Turns out it was a log, but I believed it!!!
ME: OMG! Goofball!
J: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................................

The hilarity of these conversations is even more having met her. So funny.

[Finey_McFine]

Laragh...she is a hot, HOT mess. I can't even begin to tell you about the drama and serious spazzing out leading up to this trip. I would probably need an entire page and a translator, lol.

Here's another one...I was helping her study for a map test of Europe in AP World Geography. I asked what's the capital of Italy...

J: Rome, but you know they have this weird city/country type place that governs itself or something. It starts with a V...let me see, oh I got it: Vachian City.
ME: Uh, it's pronounced Vatican. It's Vatican City, where the Pope lives.
J: *shrugs shoulders* Whatever, I like saying it the other way, Vachian, it just sounds better. Maybe it'll catch on.
ME: No wonder your grade in that class sucks.
J: Vachian - Haitian, Vatican - Hatigan...who cares?
ME:

[Finey_McFine]

More from the wonderful world of Jordan...

ME: So, you really thought you saw an elephant trunk in a river?
J: Oh that's nothing, it just got worse after that. Especially on the way home.
ME: Ok, go ahead...
J: So, last night I fell asleep on the bus sitting next to my friend Petra and snuggled up with my Stich stuffed animal. I guess at some point I dropped him and snuggled up with Petra. When I woke up, she was gone, because she couldn't sleep with me practically on top of her. Anyway, I thought she became part of the seat and freaked out.
ME: Uhhh, what?
J: Yeah, I thought I saw her face in the seat pattern. Like it absorbed her or something.
ME: laughing...Yeah, because that happens SO often.
J: I was sooooooo tired and was dreaming that the bus driver was killing us while we slept and turning us into bus parts. My other friend, Steph, leaned over to see if I was ok and I thought I saw a scary bus driver face in her hair and fell out of my seat.
ME: SMH...you are such a spazz.
J: Yeah well...yeah. I blame Mr. Barry.
ME: Because he made you believe the driver was a murderer?
J: No, because he put Cars on the DVD.

[JustSkipIt]

Shelby - Wow. I just can't even...