The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[Finey_McFine]

Deb- So sorry to hear that.

[writerfreak]

To anyone who reads this and rides a motorcycle: Please be careful and safe every time you do. Wear your safety gear, know your limits and don't push them. It can be very dangerous if you do. I just found out one of my bosses died this morning in a motorcycle accident. He lost control and he and his wife died on the scene. They had 3 kids together that now won't get their parents back for the rest of your lives. Whether or not I know all of you here, and whether or not you all like me I hope you know that I do care about each and every one of you so please please if you do anything please be safe. Nothing is worth your life.

writerfreak

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I love rain, but today I hate it cause it's keeping me from seeing my sister and nephew. In truth I think my sister is probably relieved not to have to make the (less than an hour) drive, but it really sucks. My nephew doesn't know me, and I know it's partly my fault because I moved away but when I don't even get to see him when I'm home it hurts. I tell myself to give up, to just accept the fact that I'll never mean anything to him--and why would I? I'm not really his aunt, I'm just his mum's stepsister playing pretend. He'll never love me, and I need to let it go.

[Laragh]

My great grandmother died this morning. She was the only grandparent I ever had. I found a letter she sent me recently and always meant to get in touch. Left it too long.

[Finey_McFine]

Laragh- So sorry for your loss.

[JustSkipIt]

Laragh - I'm so sorry.

[SJ]

Laragh - So sorry for your loss.

[gorn]

Great grandmother? I'm also very sorry for your loss, but anyone with the name "great" probably lived a good long life. I'll be lucky to see my own grandchildren, but she saw her great-grandchildren. I envy her. I'll drink to four generations of Laragh's tonight.

[Laragh]

Thanks everyone, it was very much appreciated.

Gorn, she was 85, and it was quick, which was unexpected for me but good for her. She was from Cape Cod so I got to spend a lot of time with her when we lived out that way and I'll always be thankful for that. Thank you for the toast (and I'm sure she appreciated it too, one of my fondest memories is when I was just 9 or 10 and she'd always get me to get her a drink instead of my mom because she knew I'd indulge her requests of 'just a little more' (normally resulting in doubles or triples) in her thick Boston accent.)

Bye, Ellie. I'll miss you.

[nightmask]

so my parents may be getting a divorce... I'm going to be twenty years old I don't know to deal with this shit.

[JustSkipIt]

All this week at work, I'm coordinating testing. That means I'll be in the room with 8 people while they test. I can work on other stuff but need to be available to them. Argghhh. I don't want to be with people all day! My introvert soul will be a drained husk by the end of the day. I like people but I like to decide when I go visit with them.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I love my best friend more than just about anything, and with drifting from my only two other close friends the last few months she's the only person (other than my mum I guess) that I regularly talk to about personal stuff. And I love that she likes to call me when she's on her way home from work; I'm not good about calling her, for a lot of reasons, and I love getting to talk to her, hear about her crappy job and her exciting new girlfriend and rant a little about school. But she calls me while driving and then she gets home and she's done. No matter what I'm talking about, even if it's semi-important, once she's out of the car she's done with the conversation. If she doesn't tell me straight away that she's home and getting off (which she does about half the time), I can still tell because her responses instantly become a flat, distracted "uhuh." And I know if I told her I needed her she'd be there in a heartbeat, but her level of disinterest still hurts. I'm what keeps her occupied while she drives and has nothing else to do, but as soon as she's home and has other options she doesn't care anymore. And I get her wanting to go settle in, shower or read or get food or whatever, but it hurts how she instantly loses interest in anything/everything I have to say.

[JustSkipIt]

I don't know whether this is justifyably a crappy feeling but...

My partner is only 42 but her parents were in their 40s when they had her so her parents and their siblings are quite a bit older. Yesterday Rachel got a message from her cousin that her aunt is not doing well. She is not eating, can't stand up, I forgot what else. She's probably about 86. Rachel asked if she could tell her parents because apparently no one has told Rachel's parents yet (it's a thing - a non-communication thing for that family). So Rachel called her dad and he told her that he fell in the IHOP parking lot yesterday. Broke a rib, cut his face. Some bystanders helped him to a bench and then the EMT came to check him out. He's ... I think 88. All hard stuff and I feel really terrible for all of them.

[BeMyDeputy]

My dad needs to go to rehab for his alcoholism.

This is crappy on it's own, but there isn't a place for him anywhere that my parents can get him to easily (neither of them drive). The substance abuse person who talked to him said he needed to go to an in-patient program, and sent him to the ER in my hometown. They observed him for a while and said that he's not bad off enough for them to take him--the physical withdrawal wasn't bad enough he needed to be in the hospital. When I last spoke to my mom, she was basically trying to take care of him herself . . . but a) that likely won't work; b) it will make them both miserable; and c) the place he goes for coffee (without her) is a block from his bar. He's not even going to AA meetings or seeing a therapist.

I hate being two thousand miles away, and I hate that I was JUST IN TOWN for my sister's wedding (the one where my dad slept through over half the reception which was extremely embarrassing)--I drove my grandmother from central Iowa to southern Michigan (which, for reference, is about nine hours if you do it in one go, but with my grandmother we did it across two days). I could have fucking driven my dad somewhere in the county. I'm angry at my mom for not calling my sister and her husband who a) drive and b) lives 45 minutes from my parents. Or you know, just called a fucking cab. Would it have been like $100? Probably. But compared to the number of times he's been in the ER the past few months, that's nothing. I'm mad that my mom, who is certainly on the "alcoholism is a disease" page, would do this--if he needed treatment for his diabetes in another town, she would have found a way to get him there. Why is it okay to try to take care of this? And I'm livid that she thought that the substance abuse person wasn't taking into consideration the fact he's bipolar and super depressed right now. Hello--Mom knows perfectly well that there's a high comorbidity between substance abuse and metal illness, and a) the specialist must deal with that all the time and be used to it and b) that he's super depressed right now might mean it's even MORE important that he go to an inpatient program, because depression is not conducive to doing really hard shit. She has a husband and two daughters with bipolar, has read volumes on the disease, and yet somehow . . . argh. I mean, I'm no expert, maybe it doesn't put him more at risk to relapse. You know who might know? The expert they DID talk to.

She didn't even call me to tell me. I called her to tell her good news . . . once I was ready to get off the phone she asked if I had a few minutes. It had been a week since he was told to go to rehab.

Fuck everything.

[nightmask]

I wanted to cry at work today. I feel like my co-workers don't like me.

[JustSkipIt]

Arggghhh. Stupid shockwave.

I'm up way to early and I'm tired. I woke at 4:45 which is my normal time during the week. But it's the weekend and I was up late waiting for Rachel to call because she and Chiara are at her brother's. And even though I'm 46 and mature and a grownup and all that... I don't like to sleep alone. I like to sleep with Rachel. I like to snuggle with her. I like to get to talk with her alone (our 15 year old niece has been with us for a week which is awesome except that Rachel and I have not had 1 minute alone in over a week).

And I got my period.

And Asher couldn't sleep.

And I read a semi-depressing Rookie Blue fan fic.

And I'm generally feeling morose.

[EasierSaid]

The concept of "me time" is so foreign to me right now that if given an hour to myself I'd probably "waste" it cleaning the house or searching for yet another new recipe to try that my oldest won't eat. I'm so tired and stretched thin... I just want to cry.

[JustSkipIt]

Heather - I've been there. You're a mom and that's exhausting and devoid of me time. Especially being a stay-at-home mom. I'm sorry.

[dtburanek]

I should feel lucky I don't have children then? I work two jobs, my wife one. But the one she works is with twin boys who have disabilities so they are the size of eighteen year olds with minds of eight year olds and she has them over a lot because her job doesn't really pay her enough to do the stuff she wants to which requires driving. My work changed my schedule so now the one day off we had together we no longer have any. And when I do have a moment I know I need to clean the house because it is a mess but I have given up and mostly just try and get more sleep. I am seriously wondering if I could even handle being a mom. It frightens me and good for you guys for being able to do it.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I swear there were like three years where I thought I was a functional human being with decent mental health and moderate coping skills. Maybe I was delusional, but god I miss that feeling.

[writerfreak]

It's been a very difficult week, to say the least. And I've been so busy trying not to remember what week it is that today of all days I finally had to let it catch up with me. A week ago my grandfather went into the hospital with a possible heart attack. At least he's alright other than very stressed. But going into my home state, seeing my grandmother's grave and having that memorial cookout took its toll on all of us. And yesterday, yesterday would have been her 76th birthday. Then today, it's the one year anniversary of her death. It's really hard even though I know she's better off. The past few years we'd had a chance to mend fences. She had a chance to see me as the person I wanted to be. As much as I love that I can't help but wish there'd been more time. So she could have known my wife, my future family. It's breaking my heart that hindsight really is 20/20. I wish I could have been so much more, so much sooner. I miss her.

writerfreak

[nightmask]

my dog died and I was the one to find him.

[Laragh]

I'm so sorry :(

[Laragh]

My dog was put down unexpectedly yesterday :(

RIP Ciccio

[SRMarx]

Laragh: I am sorry to hear that. It is always sad to lose a beloved pet.

My current crappy feelings: I was recently told by a woman I was seeing that we had no possible future together. Unfortunately, this has just been another instance where a woman has been turned off by certain demands of my career. Overall, she was amicable and it became clear to me that we both want different things. But while I was ok with something not too serious presently, she wanted a definite plan for the future which means we can no longer continue as we were.

I am frustrated and feel awful because I really like her and this felt like it came out of nowhere. We have known each other for barely 6 months. I guess I wasn't expecting such serious thoughts about the future so soon...oh well, such is life.

[Finey_McFine]

Oh Laragh, my JMT...I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Ariel]

Laragh . . . feeling this. Very sorry for your loss.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I can't remember the last time I felt this pathetic... I have an online friend through tumblr that I've had a crush on for months, and it's only gotten stronger over time. I told her about my feelings a while ago, and she handled it really well, which just made me like her even more. She's been a really great friend the last few months, and even though we're not as close as I'd like (which I've told myself repeatedly is for the best--because it would just make my feelings for her harder) she's been a great support and with the possible exception of my two closest friends and my mum she's been my favourite person to talk to.
It's stupid because I've been trying to distance myself to make things easier, but now she's taking a hiatus and... it hurts. It shouldn't hurt but it does. It could be weeks or months until I hear from her again. And I honestly don't know which hurts more, the fact I won't get to talk to her for who-knows-how-long, or the fact that she doesn't mind not talking to me. And it's stupid; she has a lot of other friends through tumblr and it's not as if I'm the only one she's choosing not to talk to, and she's trying to be responsible and take care of herself which I respect, but it hurts to think of not talking to her and it's horribly selfish but I want her to hurt at the thought of not talking to me. I guess it comes down to wishing she cared about me as much as I care about her; she does care but not as much, and I need to just accept that. She doesn't share my feelings, and I need to move on.

This thing, not being able to talk to her for the foreseeable future, it should be a good thing, a helping-me-move-on thing. But instead I feel like crying, which just makes me feel utterly pathetic.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm home for the week, and it feels like no one but my dad cares about spending time with me. And I know my feeling this way is largely my fault. I do nothing to instigate plans to see people, then feel crappy that no one tries to make plans to see me, when really it should be at least as much my responsibility. Tonight, my best friend and I were supposed to go out to karaoke with a group of mutual acquaintances, some of whom are shared friends and some of whom are just hers, and I was looking forward to it; but best friend got a migraine, didn't want to go, and suggested I get a ride from another friend, but instead I bailed because I felt like I'd be awkward there without her. I know E was the only there that would've cared about seeing me, but I like singing and it probably would've been fun; instead I'm sitting on my best friend's couch reading fanfic and knitting just like I do all the time at my own apartment. What's even the point of visiting if I don't see anyone or do anything? I've been staying with my best friend for 3 days and the only time I've spent with her was when she had a few friends over and we all hung out for a couple hours and when we ran errands together; she went off to her girlfriend's most of Sunday and today she hung out with her mum after work, and I know she's busy but it feels like she's not making time for me. I stayed at her place today rather than getting together with my dad or going to a bookstore cause I thought she'd come home and we could hang out, but not so much...

It seems like every time I visit I wonder why I'm here, but then as soon as I'm gone I want to come back.
I want sister-time, I want Avengers drinking game and Doctor Who marathons with my best friend, I want to play with my nephew, I want to hang out and be silly with my old roommates. But then I'm here and at least half of the things I want don't happen and I leave feeling unfulfilled. The logical response would be to not visit so often because it's never really satisfying, but instead I visit more in hopes that the next trip will give me whatever the last one lacked.

It's probably a good thing that I'm guessing I won't be back for a while this time. I've been debating moving back here when I graduate in May, but this week is reminding me how shitty it feels to live here. I may not want to stay where I live now, but is it really any worse than this?

[drlloyd11]

>CrazyTaraWitch
It is crazy hard when the people whom you miss the most seem to miss you least of all when you move away. My mother has seen my Daughter just once and my brother has not seen me in almost a decade, and him and I were best of friends growing up.
On the other hand several of my friends from those days no only keep in touch but are a regular part of my life even 800 miles away, so this distance is by no means inevitable or insurmountable.