by CrazyTaraWitch » Sat Oct 21, 2023 8:50 pm
Last night, I found out that my middle sister is 8 months pregnant. 8 months in which none of my family thought to tell me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; I didn't know that she was engaged for ages, wasn't invited to the wedding, and didn't know until well after the fact that the engagement ended. No one told me when my little sister moved away from home; no one told me when my oldest sister split up with her husband; I had no idea when my sisters were in violent marriages, even though I guess everyone else knew. I guess I should just expect it by now, my family never f****** bothering to tell me anything about their lives or reach out in any way.
Arguably, it's not all on them. I was the first to move away. Never mind that part of the reason I left Texas was that it was painful to be physically close to my family while still being completely disconnected. I thought it would be easier if I were far away, so that at least there was a reason why I didn't have real relationships with them, a reason other than them not loving or wanting me enough. My little sister told me last night that she thought when I moved away it was because I didn't want our family anymore. It's a little hard for me to fathom that, in her mind, I was the one to pull away. But I did leave, and we were even more distant after that. Every time I went home, most of what I wanted was time with my family; I wanted to sit around the kitchen table, chatting with my sisters and singing songs and playing with my nephew. But more and more over the years it felt like even when I visited my sister's didn't make it a priority to see me. After a while, I stopped visiting so much, partly because my life changed and partly because it felt like such a let down to feel like the people I most wanted to see didn't really care about seeing me; then COVID happened, and I haven't been home since. I wanted to visit last year, but couldn't get anyone except my dad to tell me when they would be around and available to spend time together, so I never went. When I was getting married last year, I really wanted my sisters; I at least wanted them to want to be here, but I don't think they did, not the older ones at least. I've been so desperate for so long for them to be a real part of my life, to feel like they love and want me. But my sister who had fertility issues and we thought would never be able to have biological kid is having a baby, due in three weeks, and no one felt like it had enough to do with me to even let me know.
They're the only sisters I have, but I'll always be their stepsister. The 3 of them are a team, and somehow my brother got to be somewhat a part of it, but I never did. Talking to my little sister last night, the first time in 4 years we've done more than text, I learned so much about my family that I *should* have known. I learned that my dad and stepmom used to hit each other, and my stepmom used to hit my little sister. I learned that my stepmom is drinking heavily again, which isn't shocking but isn't the story I was told. I learned that two of my sisters don't get along anymore. And I learned that in 3 weeks I'm going to have another nephew, a nephew I might never meet.
How much of this disconnection is from my family sucking, and how much did I cause by running away? I felt so abandoned by my siblings, but I never told any of them until last night, I just left because it seemed the less painful option than sticking around.
It's hard to say which is the biggest crappy feeling - the fact I don't have a relationship with my siblings, to the point that I didn't even know my sister is about to have a baby; or the fact that maybe it didn't have to be this way, maybe I did this, at least partially, to myself.
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
