Social Phobia

[Krazy Dreamer]

The more I learn about people, the less faith I have in humanity. Do you ever feel like you’re surrounded by people and yet you’re all alone? I have social phobia (aka: social anxiety disorder), which means that when I’m faced with new people, people I don’t know very well, or a lot of people, I have a strong negative reaction, like an anxiety attack. In recent years I have learned to cope by masking my natural feelings of fear with a strong, confident outer persona. This works great in the sense that very few people are able to recognize that anything is wrong with me, but it costs me a lot. For every hour that I spend around people, I need at least three alone to completely recover. As you can imagine this interferes with my life on so many levels that I don’t even want to get into right now. I just thought maybe there might be some other Kittens who suffer from this, or know somebody who does, who might want to talk about it here. Or if you prefer, you can email me at krazy_dreamer1977@yahoo.com.

[justin]

I did a google search for social anxiety disorder and after reading all the information on it I have to say that a lot of the symptoms listed are strangely accurate.

It's nice to have a name for my condition, if someone says "you're just shy" I can say, "no I'm not I've got social anxiety disorder."



It seems the best treatment for this condition is something caled cognitive behaviour therapy. I'll have to look into that a bit more.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. - mad world

[Krazy Dreamer]

Hi Justin. Welcome to the club, so to speak. It’s always helpful to be able to put a name to things. I, myself, did not discover I had social anxiety until a few years ago. I knew there was something different about me from other people, well besides being gay, but that’s a different story, but I wasn’t sure what. I always defined it as, “Things that are easy for other people are difficult for me, but some things that others find difficult are easy for me.” I have heard of the cognitive behavior therapy. Well really, I just learned about it this year, but I had already used my own form which is pretty similar, which is why I’m able to appear as if I’m functioning normally even when I’m terrified inside. If you have any questions or just want to talk about it, let me know. And good luck to you.

[BytrSuite]

I started wondering if I had this when they started showing commercials for the medication to treat it (or something very close to it). I always figured something was off with me, but kind of just tacked it up to what everyone else did, being shy. It was much much worse when I was in kindergarten and grade school. I didn't really mind the school itself, but all those people, sheesh. Talking in front of people, especially a bunch of kids and teachers was probably one of the worst things I could imagine back then. And the pressure to do well, it tortured me til about sophomore year in high school. That's when I decided I would try and not get so worked up over getting good grades and freaking the hell out over tests and what I might have to do in class. I acted like I didn't care. My grades did suffer, of course, heh.



I despised being around people and could never shake the feeling that they were judging me or just waiting for a moment to make fun of me. Heaven forbid if someone wanted to talk to me. I think I eventually just started trying to keep a really tight rein on my emotions. Make myself take a deep breath and just think about what exactly I'm afraid of. What's honestly the worst that could happen. I make an ass of myself? Sure, but a lot of the time I'll never see those people again. And if it's people I know, well, they know I'm an ass some of the time anyway, so it's nothing new to them.



I think I had the blushing thing when I was young. I don't really blush so much anymore. I do get the shaking thing once in a while, though. I notice it gradually, and it does make me even more self conscious, I think.



Taking deep breaths and just making myself calm down seems to work best for me. It does the trick most of the time. Other times it helps to just do something. Try not to think about what I'll be doing, just go and do it and act like it doesn't bother me. I've gotten very good at acting like things don't bother me and making it seem like I don't care.



Good luck to those dealing with this and trying to get it figured out.



Cheers.

________
"Boogers are true."

[JoyPR]

I read about this I'm pretty sure I have it...My worst nightmare ever is doing presentations and oral reports or meeting new ppl...I always think I'm gonna do something stupid. I had to do an oral report for my english (let me point out MY main language its not english)class "Research & Writing" in college about the Witch-Hunts in Europe, I did my presentation in powerpoint and everything...got to the door and I couldnt go in...I came back to my dorm. Thank God for Professor Kratz...he knows how I am so he gave me another chance...and although I blushed and was all like Th-th-e Wi-witches.. I did it. thats another thing...I blushhhhh so freakin much and ppl notice..also the english I knwo I can have a conversation with someone in englsih heck my girl only speaks english but...when im fron of the ppl i cant talk..and and even online! i think i blush even online...and lets not go into when i met my girl thing...cuz it aint pretty..well anyway...

I wanted to say I feel you all...its nice to knwo theres ppl out there like me



JOY~!

ps. sorry if theres spelling mistakes...

[Cazzie]

I'm so socially phobic it rules my life. Not only does the idea of presentations fill me with terror, so do simple things like saying hello to someone or even leaving the house! Most people think I'm really rude because I don't say much and never make eye contact but because they don't know how bad I am usually they don't know that even small things take a huge effort on my part.



It's one of the reasons I love the internet so much. There's no way I could have said what I just did to someone who was physically in front of me or over the phone!

[Dream]

Wow, I'm so glad I've found this topic... It's funny, I've always been a very sociable child, craved attention and everything, and then when I was about 13, social phobia had kicked in and it was escalating ever since (I'm 23 now). It is totally ruling my life now, and it kills me how people - even my best friends and family - refuse to understand how hard it is for me to control it. They'll just go, "you need to grow up and get over yourself", and I just want to shout back, "do you think I actually enjoy it?!" It's been a living hell for the past couple of years, especially when I had to graduate high school and we had so many oral exams (including English - which is my third language, by the way, and despite being one of the better student in my class I've ended up with a rather average mark because I just couldn't speak in front of people). And then I spent two years in the army (where I live it's mandatory), and for the first six months everybody around me thought I was half retarded or something, because I just couldn't be sociable and connect to people... And when I finally did get used to the environment and felt more comfortable, most of the people with whom I've shared the office said that they were totally shocked to find out I have a sense of humor and am actually in any way intelligent... Which really was sort of a constant problem in my life, that I had to prove to people I'm not an idiot just because I can't make small talk when we meet...



As Cazzie said, internet really is great in that aspect... I sometimes feel so isolated and alone, and at least I can still talk to people online and feel free - even for a few passing moments.

--------


Reish's Little Corner Of Insanity


Come on in... I dare you...

Edited by: Dream at: 3/29/04 2:32 pm

[Krazy Dreamer]

It’s amazing how many people have social phobia and don’t even realize it. There are so many people who have never even heard of it. After receiving several emails from people asking me about it, I decided to post this hoping it will answer most of the questions that you may have. If there are any other questions not answered here, I will do my best to respond to all inquiries after the holidays.



Let’s start with the links. These are some of the best sites I have found.



www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/

www.socialphobia.org/

www.degnanco.com/anxiety/main.html

www.socialanxietysupport.com/



The following excerpts are from the Social Anxiety Institute Web Page.



The definition of Social Anxiety Disorder:

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Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and inferiority.



Put another way, social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression.



If a person usually becomes anxious in social situations, but seems fine when they are alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem.



Social anxiety disorder (formerly termed "social phobia" ) is a much more common problem than past estimates have led us to believe. Millions of people all over the world suffer from this devastating and traumatic problem every day, either from a specific social anxiety or from a more generalized social anxiety.



In the United States, epidemiological studies have recently pegged social anxiety disorder as the third largest psychological disorder in the country, after depression and alcoholism. It is estimated that 7-8% of the population suffers from some form of social anxiety at the present time. The lifetime prevalence rate for developing social anxiety disorder is 13-14%.

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The Clinical Definition:

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A. A persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others.



The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be embarrassing and humiliating.



B. Exposure to the feared situation almost invariably provokes anxiety, which may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally pre-disposed [anxiety attack.]



C. The person recognizes that this fear is unreasonable or excessive.



D. The feared situations are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety and distress.



E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation, or distress in the feared social or performance situation(s) interferes significantly with the person's normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia.



F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months.



G. The fear or avoidance is not due to direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., drugs, medications) or a general medical condition not better accounted for by another mental disorder



Copyright 1994, The American Psychiatric Association

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Symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder

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People with social anxiety disorder usually experience significant emotional distress in the following situations:

Being introduced to other people



Being teased or criticized



Being the center of attention



Being watched while doing something



Meeting people in authority ("important people" )



Most social encounters, especially with strangers



Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something



Interpersonal relationships, whether friendships or romantic

This list is certainly not a complete list of symptoms -- other feelings have been associated with social anxiety as well.



The physiological manifestations that accompany social anxiety may include intense fear, racing heart, turning red or blushing, excessive sweating, dry throat and mouth, trembling, swallowing with difficulty, and muscle twitches, particularly about the face and neck.



Constant, intense anxiety that does not go away is the most common feature.



People with social anxiety disorder know that their anxiety is irrational and does not make "head" (i.e., cognitive) sense. Nevertheless, "knowing" something is not the same thing as "believing" and "feeling" something.



Thus, for people with social anxiety, thoughts and feelings of anxiety persist and show no signs of going away -- despite the fact that socially-anxious people "face their fears" every day of their lives.

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I hope this has been helpful. For me the hardest thing in the world is to talk about myself, but I’m getting better. I can totally relate to what Cazzie said,

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“Most people think I'm really rude because I don't say much and never make eye contact but because they don't know how bad I am usually they don't know that even small things take a huge effort on my part.”

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because up until a few years ago I was the same. People misunderstand and that makes it even harder to be open about yourself. Sometimes the situation just seems so hopeless, but I just want to let everyone know that there is hope. As several people have commented, the internet has been a huge blessing to so many of us who suffer from social phobia. Thank you to all for sharing your stories. Education is the key.



Happy Holidays everyone!

Edited by: Warduke at: 12/23/03 8:11 pm

[justin]

Thanks for the info and the links.



Another site, particularly for people in the UK is Social Anxiety U.K.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. - mad world

[BytrSuite]

Oh, gosh yes. All through grade school I was labeled as antisocial and I'm fairly certain most people thought I was a snob or rude or something like that. Literally labeled, by the way. There was some exercise in class where some of us had to stand up at the front of the room and the ones seated had to come up with one word descriptions. The guy who was describing me wrote down antisocial. Boy, that one stuck with me for a while.



I went to a pretty big high school after that, over 4,000 people in all. So, I didn't stick out as much and it was easier to blend into the scenery.

________
"Boogers are true."

[Krazy Dreamer]

Excellent site Justin! I highly recommend it.



I don’t think most people understand what it’s like to have social phobia, nor do they realize how hard it is coping with everyday little things that most people take for granted, yet trying to live as normal a life as possible. One of the things that I really enjoy about the Social Anxiety UK website is the way things are phrased that really clarify and drive home the reality of social phobia.



Some of the phrases that struck me from the SA UK site:

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Everyday tasks which most people take for granted - such as working, socialising, shopping, speaking on the telephone, even just going out of the house - might be a wearing ordeal marked by persistent feelings of anxiety and self-consciousness.

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However, perhaps because of its very nature, sufferers of Social Anxiety are often unable to talk about their problems or seek help, and the condition is still not widely known among the general public.

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Sufferers typically experience excessive feelings of nervousness or dread in relation to feared social situations. They may experience specific physical symptoms such as trembling, rapid breathing, sweating or blushing. At the extreme, panic attacks can occur. Sufferers tend to be very self-conscious and worried about whether others might be evaluating them negatively. They tend to ruminate over past social incidents, worrying about how they might have come across.

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Not all aspects of social anxiety need to be seen negatively, however. SA problems can also reflect an underlying sensitivity, modesty or empathy which is valued by many.

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Since SA tends to start in the teenage years, when there are so many lessons to be learned about social life and social skills, this can often be a big problem.

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[Social Anxiety] safety behaviours… can make a person seem aloof or [that] they are hiding something or are unfriendly. They often cause the very thing they are designed to stop - for example, speaking quietly might lead people to ask you to repeat what you said, bringing more attention on you. Or an SA'er might disclose less about themselves as a safety behaviour, which causes others to think they are less open and friendly, so others are less friendly back, which the SA'er detects but interprets purely as a negative judgement of themselves for whatever reason, making them feel more [Socially Anxious]!

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I also wanted to point out that the Social Anxiety UK site gives some very helpful information on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, the best I’ve found on any website. And I just want to add that one way I have learned how to cope better is by talking more. This is a very difficult thing for me to do, because I’m always worried that I’m going to say something wrong, that I’m going to be perceived negatively, or that my words just won’t come out the way I intend. Practicing in front of a mirror is really helpful, because it helps me to see what others are seeing when I’m talking. One of the reasons it used to be even harder for me to speak was because I would literally freeze mid-sentence; I just couldn’t think of the right words to go on. Then people would stare at me like I was a freak. (This caused me to just avoid speaking as much as possible.) I just got so tired of it and determined in my mind to do whatever it took to overcome this. Then one day I was studying this very charismatic man on television who had people hanging on his every word. What I noticed was that he seemed to speak with a purpose and deliberateness in a non-apologetic way. The most important thing I noticed, however, was that he didn’t always use words correctly or even the best words for any given situation, but he kept talking anyway, sometimes using less appropriate words, but getting his point across nonetheless. This taught me to not take speaking so seriously, but to just say what I need to say. If I can’t think of the proper word in time, I just come up with an inferior word that comes to mind quicker. If I can’t come up with any words, I still may stop mid-sentence, but I don’t freeze, instead I either rephrase my entire thought or change the subject. The important thing is to just keep talking. My speech flows much more naturally now and I get a lot less stares. One of the reasons that caused me to have such a strong desire to overcome my withdrawn persona was that people would make comments about me such as, “It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.” That may be true in many cases, but some of us just have social phobia and aren’t a threat to anyone.



Happy New Year everyone!

[TyRex316]

Well, I can definately relate to my social anxiety being seen as some kind of empathy. Where I work everybody comes up to me like I'm some kind of amateur psychologist. Guess they realize I'll stand and listen to their litany of problems without brushing them off And all I really do is nod cause I have no real frame of reference, don't have kids and never been in a relationship. Like many of you, I expected I had SA when the commercial started coming on TV. I mean, it was scary hearing that litany of symptoms and realizing, 'Hey, they're describing me.'

[Krazy Dreamer]

I know what you mean, TyRex, at my old job they used to call me Bartender, cuz everybody’d come up to me to tell me their problems. So I sort of played it up and pretended like I was serving them drinks and then I'd say, “So, what’s on your mind?”

Edited by: Krazy Dreamer at: 1/6/04 1:29 pm

[DolphinGirl5649]

i have social anxiety disorder (along with some other things) too so i know how it is.

[amberfan]

I think I might have social anxiety. I saw this thread a coupla months ago, but was to shy and frighten. Its gotten so bad I can’t even work. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do. I spose I’ll have to move back with my folks, but I think alot of my problems come from them. I’m really worried about what I’m gonna to do.

[RaiStarr]

me too. with the social anxiety disorder. not much fun. at all.

Forgive me now! Tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty...

[AmbersSecretAdmirer]

Strange, I read all these symptoms and I found myself nodding as I read them. For me I have anxiety and depression and paranoia. But mine is very strange.



I can go to a rock concert and be fine yet sit in a room of twenty people and be completely panicked out of my mind. I think it has, for me, something to do with focus. At a concert there is a focus for all the people, the band, so I feel relaxed. In a crowd there is no focus so I fel insecure in case I become the focus. I sympathise with having to need time alone after a stresful meeting with people.



I used to work for a bingo hall here in Scotland and the stress of working there was unfathomable to the rest of the staff. Unlike others, rather than create a strong, outer persona I hid inside a shell, which I am now struggling to escape from.



The worst most recent example was meeting Amber in Aberdeen. Whilst meeting her was good (although I was so stressed out I could barely get any words out to say how much I liked her and respected her as a person and actress) the trips up there and back were horrendous and my mood swung so violently the following week as I attempted to recover that I ended up slashing at my legs to dull the pain.



If you suffer, get help. Do not be afraid or ashamed. And those who don't suffer but may know someone who might, be gentle and supportive.

TARA AND WILLOW 2GETHER 4EVER!!! BLESSED BE ETERNALLY!!!

[Imjustme]

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I despised being around people and could never shake the feeling that they were judging me or just waiting for a moment to make fun of me.

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I'm right there with you. I have to be basically forced to speak....have been all my life even with family. Plus, there is that really weird feeling of being so alone and depressed but at the same time wanting to push everyone away so you can be alone. Does that make any sense at all?

[Dream6]

But how does one even begin to deal with such things? My anxiety got to new heights this past year, but in two weeks I'm starting uni, and I don't know how am I going to make it through. I don't know anyone there and I'd have no one to talk to and to show me around, and - which is way worse, there are certain courses I have to take, during which students are expected to give 10 minute long lectures in front of the class. And I mean, how am I suppose to do it? Just thinking about it fills me with such dread I want to die. And without it I won't be able to get my BA... So... what does one do in similar situations? Cuz my first instinct was always to run away, and even if I knew I'm ruining my life, or majorly screwing them up, the utter relief I've always felt for not having to deal with people, made it impossible to resist... It's like, every mistake that I've made because of my inability to deal with social situations, no matter how much I would've loved for them not to happen, I know that faced with those situations all over again, I'd make the same choices. Even knowing the full range of the consequences...

[justin]

I can empathise with what you're going through. When I was at uni my anxiety got so bad that I skipped a year. I still passed in the end but ended up with just a bachelors degree rather than the masters that I went for.



As to dealing with the problem as has been mentioned the most successful treatment is cognitive bahaviour therapy.



Since you've only got a couple of weeks I'd suggest looking for a self help course. I'll try to find some links later, but for now a good place to start would be SA.uk which is referenced in an earlier post.



There should be a doctor at your university who you'll register with. If things do start to get too difficult I'd recommend seeing him/her as soon as possible.

Postel's Prescription: Be generous in what you accept, rigorous in what you emit.

[Krazy Dreamer]

I just want to say hi to all my fellow Social Phobia sufferers. I also wanted to address a few quotes that struck me.

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there is that really weird feeling of being so alone and depressed but at the same time wanting to push everyone away so you can be alone. Does that make any sense at all?

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It makes perfect sense to me. That and the following statement sum up the story of my life.

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Just thinking about it fills me with such dread I want to die. And without it I won't be able to get my BA... So... what does one do in similar situations? Cuz my first instinct was always to run away

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I dropped out of college years ago, because I was afraid of speaking in front of a class. Ironically, I want to be a teacher. This desire is so strong, that I have worked years to get myself to the point of being able to be in front of people. I feel like I have accomplished so much, yet I’m still not completely ready. I force myself to be around people and try to push myself a little more each week. This has built up my endurance and tolerance, and it really is much easier for me than ever before. Positive feedback is very important and helps me to not feel so much like people are constantly judging me. However, last year, I had a really bad incident at the DMV that set me back several months. Unfortunately, I’m still recovering from that incident. For most people, renewing their driver’s license is no big deal, but for me it’s one of the most difficult things that I have to do. I also used to get really nervous in job interviews. I still do, but I’ve learned how to force the nervousness down into the pit of my stomach until I can be alone again. I come across really confident during the interview itself, and I’m very good at eye contact. I also know my strengths which I really try to get across to my interviewer. One thing that helps me recover afterwards is going to the park immediately following a stressful situation. I just go and listen to the birds sing and smell the fresh air and it helps calm me down tremendously. I also constantly feel the need to run away. In my youth I actually did run away several times. Obviously, however, this is not always a good solution, and I have learned how to quell such desires in recent years. Responsibilities and all that.



I also wanted to say that I agree with Justin that Cognitive Behavior Therapy is the best way to deal with this situation.



And amberfan, sorry to hear that things are so bad for you right now. I wish you the best, and if you need to talk to somebody, I want you to know that you can email me. I know it may not be much help, but as long as you know. Sometimes it helps just having somebody you can relate to. I also sent you a message to your inbox, so be sure to check that out.

"Some men see things as they are and say,'why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'why not?'"

- Robert F. JFK

[Krazy Dreamer]

I was talking to a friend the other day about my Social Phobia, and she commented about how motivated she thinks I am, and how impressed she is by how much I’m able to do despite my Social Anxiety. It really made me start to think, and these are some of my thoughts that I wanted to share with my fellow Social Phobia sufferers.



A large part of Social Phobia is constantly thinking that people are watching your every move and judging you critically. For me it was always a feeling of, “I can’t do anything right, no matter how hard I try, so why bother? And why expose myself to the humiliation?” I felt like I had no control over my life or really any situation and that people didn’t respect me as a human being. (Sub-human is a great way to describe how I felt.) I don’t really have the time or space to go into the back story behind what finally changed my mind and woke me up, but one day I decided self-pity was getting me nowhere, and I had nothing to lose by making one last-ditch effort to turn my life around. If I failed, then that was that, and I would allow myself to crawl back into my cave, so to speak, but this was something that I needed to try. My thought pattern at this time was that if I lived my life in such a way that I wouldn’t have to be ashamed and could gain the respect of others, then even if some people continued to disapprove of me, I would still be able to be proud of myself, and I could overlook what anyone else might think of me, because at least I knew that I was doing the best I could. (Afterwards I learned that Cognitive Behavior Therapy runs on the premise that by changing your thoughts and the way you think, you can also change your negative feelings. I learned all of this many years later, however, but was amazed when I discovered that the principle was the same as my own.)



So anyway, after I had made up my mind to lead a respectable life of honor and integrity, I decided that the first step in overcoming my fears was to learn as much as I could about people and why they act the way they do, because this would help me to ascertain how others might react in any given situation. This was important for me to do, because I’m convinced that one of the main reasons that I developed this disorder was due to all of the negative reactions I would get from others around me. This prevented me from wanting to even be with people, because I never knew what to expect from them and lived in constant fear of being attacked verbally as well as physically.



It was also at this time that I discovered the television program, Xena: Warrior Princess. This show literally changed my life in so many ways, but for the sake of brevity, relatively speaking, I will just share two little phrases that I learned that I continue to keep in mind and use to this day that have altered the way that I think and behave towards others and causes them to respond to me in a much more positive way than they previously had. The two phrases are: “Stay focused,” and “Act, don’t react.”



Learning about and trying to understand people, I discovered, is a life-long process, and I had barely begun to scratch the surface. I knew I had a lot of ground that I needed to cover in order to try to catch up with others who had been studying people all of their lives, but at some point I knew I couldn’t put off testing what I had learned much longer. At the same time, I didn’t feel like I was ready to try my new-found skills cold. Luckily, my best friend is great, and she came through for me by helping me to practice using role-playing and play-acting techniques. This helped me to get a rough idea as to how others would react in certain situations, boosted my confidence, and helped me to try out different methods with family and close friends. When I would get positive feedback, this helped boost my confidence even more and alleviated some of my fears, which in turn helped me later to be able to deal with acquaintances and strangers as well.



I wish I could say that I’m completely cured, but at least now I’m able to function a thousand times better than I ever could have dreamed possible, and most of the time people don’t even recognize that anything is wrong with me. Because even though the anxiety has lessened considerably, it’s still there; the difference is that now I’m able to control my emotions, my words, and my actions much better. Sweating and blushing are still the two most obvious signs of my anxiety that I continue to suffer from, but I try to ignore them and not think about it. If others notice and question me or bring up this fact, I try to distract them by making a joke out of it. This usually works, but when it doesn’t, I just tell them the truth. Most times they are sympathetic, but when they are judgmental, I am able to recognize that it’s their problem, not mine.



One huge obstacle that I have been able to overcome that has helped me to heal in a lot of ways has been that on Thanksgiving Day 2002, I was given the opportunity to confront one of my childhood tormentors. I knew in advance that she was going to be at my grandparents’ house that day, so I spent three days mentally preparing myself for the event, and it paid off. In the past she had always used intimidation and mind games to steam roll right over me. But this particular day, I had made up my mind that I was going to take a more assertive position, and that I was no longer a defenseless child, and wouldn’t let her intimidate me or devastate my life any longer. (In the past she had always approached me first and acted so happy to see me. Then she’d start in with her mind trip, subtly saying key phrases that she knew would get to me, but that others would not pick up on, thus making me look foolish as I stumbled for words and balance.) But this day, I approached her first, gave her the warmest hug and smile, and then acted like I was so happy to see her and just couldn’t wait to talk to her and catch up on things. I was shaking inside, but managed to maintain my composure outwardly. I then looked her straight in the eyes and began a direct attack by boldly bombarding her with questions. This threw her completely off guard, because she was used to seeing me as timid and meek, only speaking when spoken to, and avoiding eye contact, at least with her. (One of the ways I had prepared myself for this challenge was by staring myself down in the mirror and imagining it was her.) But I didn’t let up, immediately after she would answer one question, I would throw another one her way, not giving her time to think or counter-attack to gain the upper hand. She did try with her answers to say things that she knew in the past would get to me, but I was expecting this and didn’t show any weakness or fear, nor did I back down, but instead laughed and acted like she had just told an incredibly funny joke. It worked like a charm, and after about seven minutes, she made an excuse to escape from me. She avoided me like the plague after that and in fact, she and her husband left immediately following Thanksgiving Dinner without telling me goodbye, and I haven’t seen her since. Every single family gathering after that that she knew I’d be at, she didn’t show up to, however, I found out later that she did attend the ones she knew I wouldn’t be at.



So, anyway, that’s my story in a nutshell. My life is a work in progress, and I chip away at my fears on a daily basis. I won’t lie to you, it’s not easy, and it is a slow process, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also would recommend seeking professional help rather than trying to do it on your own like I have. I think it must be pure dumb luck or some sort of a fluke that I have managed so well. My advice, though, is don’t be satisfied with just coping with this crippling affliction, fight it!

"Some men see things as they are and say,'why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'why not?'"

- Robert F. JFK

[girlfriends actually]

I don't have social phobia but u are truely an insperation to us all. Your a very brave person to confront one of ur family members that has put u down in the past. I wish I could be that brave.

[WhiteSkyFire]

Hey all,



I just noticed this thread and thought I'd come in and say something. Hope no one minds...



For me, I'm not sure it is social phobia (even though I have a lot of the points of it) or just that I'm highly empathic. Although I'm sure it can be a combination of both, and a few other things.



In groups I'm bombarded with feelings. Not only the negative, although they tend to be stronger the the positive ones. I've learned to control, to a point, what I feel from others. But in a big enough group, is almost impossible, so I normally avoid them.



I don't have problems speaking to others one-on-one. I am able to focus on what *I* am feeling, and know what I'm getting from that other person.



I come from a fairly small city, and now live in a bigger one. To say its tossed me for a loop is an understatement. I have problems just getting the courage to go outside, let alone meet anyone. Going from 20,000 people to 300,000+ people, and i'm sure you can imagin me shaking without even stepping outside. I'm slowly working on it. Forcing myself to go out, but its really hard at times.



Anywho, i'll be keeping an eye on this thread... I'm really glad its here.



Sky

[Krazy Dreamer]

Thank you, girlfriends actually. I don’t really know what else to say. I think it’s really more about survival than bravery, but I appreciate your comments.



Hey Sky, welcome to the club no one really wants to be a part of. It seems to me that you probably do have Social Phobia, but you might want to get checked out just for confirmation. Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about being bombarded by feelings when there are a lot of people around. For me it’s almost like I can feel what others are feeling, the more people there are, the more emotions there are, and it’s like the emotions are magnified by the amount of people. It can be overwhelming at times, but I’ve learned how to block a lot of those feelings, at least in the short-term, although, I do pay later. It’s almost like all of my energy is being sucked out by the other people and leaves me completely drained. One-on-ones are what I’m best at as well. In fact sometimes if I have a really great conversation with someone, I actually gain energy, which is really cool.



Like you, I come from a small town with a population of only around 8000 people. I now live in a small city with approximately 60,000 people. For me, though, I was glad to escape the small town where everybody knew everybody else. I enjoy the fact that I rarely run into anyone I know here. Anonymity calms me down, because I know that even if I’m put in a stressful or embarrassing situation, chances are, I’ll never see the people again. One good thing for me is that I live in the country, which is really nice, because I don’t have to feel self-conscious about going outside, since the nearest house is a mile down the road, although when I was living in town, I usually would only go outside at night or when necessary, so I know how you feel. Now I really enjoy the freedom of being able to go outside whenever I want.



Well, that's about all I really have to say for now, but I just want to wish everyone luck and success in overcoming any obstacles and combatting their fears, whatever they may happen to be.

"Some men see things as they are and say,'why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'why not?'"

- Robert F. JFK

[lydia]

I can completely relate to so many of you. I think it's something I always just wrote off as a personality trait though. Talk about an extremely debilitating one. I have a hard time accepting psychological problems as...well problems. I just see them as how we are, I guess I shouldn't though.



I always experience anxiety talking in front of a lot of people. I always feel like people are judging me, constantly. I can't stand that feeling anymore. I'm find one-on-one. I'm fine with my close friends (there's a certain comfortability level I get past and then I'm as friendly as ever), but everything else is just so difficult. I try and sometimes I feel like it's getting better, but it only goes back to how it was a month or so later. The most painful thing is people constantly pointing out that I'm quiet or that I'm blushing because i'm the center of attention. It only makes me feel 10 times worse, I wish they would just understand that - it seems like common sense to me.



I can at least suck it up to go to school, to be a waitress, and to be content most of the time. I can totally relate to the feeling of wanting to be alone, but really not wanting to be alone. I always think that not thinking about it as a problem will make it go away. Like if I could just recognize its stupid to be afraid then the issue won't be there...sometimes it even feels like it's working. I guess it's all a matter of confidence and how much I have that given day.



I'm so jealous of people who have tons of friends and can just talk to /anyone/. Just having a few close friends is cool with me, but I still feel different from most everyone else. I read a quote once, "it is fatal to see yourself as seperate" - i really think that's true. as with every problem i just wish there was a quick fix...



it's helpful to read all your stories. thanks.

When all have the stars have faded away

Try not to worry, you'll see them someday. -oasis

[dulcinea]

I suppose I could say I'm a functioning social phobic. To an extent, I've left that part of me behind. Or I try to. I still kinda freak out a little at the thought of people actually getting past the front I put up. I'm fine one on one, and in work situations, like meetings, but in a larger group of people and social situations (like morning tea at work), I tend to not say a word, and if I do, I'm prone to becoming very embarrassed. And I even, strangely enough, am still shy even when I am on the internet - I even find posting on message boards kinda difficult. And chatting? The thought freaks me out beyond belief.



What helped me most was ending up in a job where I was in a large team, in an open plan building, with up to 250 people in the same room. Okay, so I barely said a word for the first three weeks I was "on the floor" in my first team. But, I knew my job, and found that instead of people thinking what a dork I was, they actually respected me.



I then finished at that job, and through a temp agency ended up in my worst nightmare. In a call center. I'm the person who has never even phoned for a Pizza!! It's only half of my job now, but facing up to my greatest fear - talking to people on the phone - has helped. I still will go home and refuse to call for a pizza or anything (my flatmate is sick to death of calling all sorts of places and pretending to be me). And if you listened to me on the phone to our customers, I think you can tell I'm not so comfortable - everyone else is very chatty and friendly, while I'm friendly, but not comfortable just talking.



No matter how hard it is, I don't dread going to work. Every day, just getting on that phone is a challenge, but answering all those calls has made a difference in every facet of my life. I don't break into a sweat when I have to make a call to the bank or something.



I'm lucky to have the control over it though. My best friend suffers from quite bad anxiety attacks in social situations that she is not used to, and it is hard to watch someone you love go through that.

[The Smee]

I've only ever been to one party before in my life, and that little interlude was spent in the uppermost room with a friend of mine, and no actual talking to anybody else at all. I can't talk infront of the class. Well, I can, but I end up sounding like a bit of a dickhead with the worst sense of humour in the world...so that's not good. I stutter (a lot), have near-heart attacks while talking to classmates I don't know very well and am sure that everyone pretty much thinks I'm a stupid, pathetic loser.



What fun.



I also can't maintain eye-contact. If I try, I lose what the person is saying, what I'm saying, and go back to looking around the room, my hands, my feet, anything but the person's face. I can't even look my own parents in the eye when they talk to me. That's the bit that scares me the most.



I think I'm getting better, though. I've started 6th Form in my school a few months ago, which meant lots of new people joined then, and I forced myself to go out and speak to them. I've made a few more friends (some people I thought I would never have the balls to speak to) and someone who I think is much, much worse than me. I'm trying to help him. He's already much better than when we first met, but he's still painfully shy. Unfortunately, I know part of the reason, and it troubles me a lot. It's to do with homophobia and rejection of his chosen gender in his old school. And this new one, I'm ashamed to admit.



Of course, there will always be closed minded people who don't understand sufferers of social anxiety disorder...but we're better people than them. I always try to remember that me and my friends are much, much nicer people than the 'popular' kids and their friends. That's always a comforting thought.



Also, isn't it stange how 'popular' kids are only popular in their own little group? No-one else in the school seems to like them at all. Funny.

This has been a message brought to you by SmeeCorp.

[Krazy Dreamer]

Just the other day I came across a post on a Social Anxiety message board that I frequent. As I read the post, I found myself nodding quite a bit. I felt that it was a very encouraging post with a lot of insight, and I really wanted to share it with my fellow kittens. So I quickly emailed the writer asking her permission to post it here on the Kitten Board. She said she would be happy to share her message with others. So here then is that inspiring message. I hope it encourages you as much as it has me.

Quote:

---

Hi there,



i just read your e-mail and was struck by your comment about self acceptance. I am currently having a major setback in relation to my own experience of social anxiety and i know why- i stopped valuing and accepting myself, i thought i wasn't good enough. I was also letting the stigma attached to social anxiety, slowly grind me down. Whilst at university (five years ago) i wrote my dissertation on social anxiety and cognitive processes and all the research i looked at concluded that the way that we think about ourselves and our perception of what other people think is crucial to maintaining social anxiety. So although i continued to feel anxious, this lessened as i progressed through my uni course and life in general with a view to challenging my negative thought processes and learning to feel proud of who i am. I went on to train as a social worker, qualified, and was doing well in my work until i started to feel as though i wasn't good enough. Although the evidence was showing the opposite in that people where pleased with my work, this was not enough. My ex-tutor even wrote me a job reference saying he would be proud to have me as a social worker with his own family. However, people with social anxiety have a tendency to pay attention to mostly to negative events/comments and so on, and i think i proved this to myself, because comments such as my tutors' weren't enough. I feel that there is a stigma attached to SA in society and i therefore had to hide my SA when really i wanted to be accepted with the full knowledge of having SA, but i was worried that if people knew, i would be seen as less capable. Sometimes in social work i sense a view that you have to be perfect yourself to do this job and there is a bit of an `us' and `them' attitude. This attitude was disempowering to me, but also to potential social work clients, because to me it's like saying the `professional' is somehow better or stronger, and this is firstly, damaging to peoples self esteem and secondly, totally inaccurate. My own philosophy is reflected in a quote i once read in relation to social work which went `us is them as they are us' . I felt frustrated that although i was as good a social worker as any of my colleagues, i was also different because of my social anxiety, i felt this would be viewed negatively, although i also knew my personal experiences had enabled me to relate to service users in a way some of my colleagues could not. Because i had suffered major problems too, just like they had, i had a genuine empathy, and was able to recognise people's strengths, and support them in dealing with issues. I felt that the stigma attached to social anxiety was perpetuating my problems.I resultantly left my job, which i loved.

I feel angry about this at the moment, but i know i need to start accepting myself again, for who I am. I also want to feel more confident about being open about my problems-because keeping it a secret has hurt me and i don't want to do this anymore, regardless of what others, or society for that matter, think!



Regards, Jen

---

"Some men see things as they are and say,'why?' I dream things that never were and say, 'why not?'"

- Robert F. JFK

[justin]

That was an interesting piece krazydreamer, thanks for posting it.

"To mess up a Linux box you need to work at it; to mess up a Windows box you just need to work on it."