• Title - Righting wrongs
• Author name – moi
• Rating - A MUST.... hmmm, R, just to be safe
• Disclaimer - Season 6, everything up to before the end of Seeing Red. Mostly a journal of thoughts dealing with the magic addiction, breaking up, and being with each other again.
• Feedback- PLEASE, good or bad. I've never attempted fanfic before, so...a beta would be welcome...
I began this journal as a record of my time with the most amazing woman to ever grace this earth. I won't say that it has been easy, overcoming my addiction, but with the right motivation, and the right person by your side, everything suddenly becomes so much clearer. I honestly don't know why I did the things that I did. I've racked my brain looking for answers. Tara told me once, "you're fixing everything to your liking, including me." At the time I truely felt I was doing something good, righting the wrongs, as it were, and I'd said so. I didn't understand at the time just how wrong I was in the way I was going about it, or the damage I was inflicting in the name of "helping." It's ironic, how the best intentions can cause you to do so much wrong. I've came to realize, things are rarely simple, and as much as it pains me to admit it, somewhere along the way my "best intentions" ceased to be just that.
Love is a funny thing, it makes you crazy. Like all things in life, everything has a good and bad side, and the secret is to find the proper balance and to strive to each day reach more and more towards the good. I made my biggest fear a reality. I was so scared of losing her, and of her thinking less of me, that I didn't realize that everything I wanted...acceptance and love, a sense of purpose...was right there. I let my fears control me and get the best of me. I became my own worst enemy, but I've made a vow, to myself and to her, that it will never happen again. I was so upset when she left. I didn't think I would ever get over it. I spent day after day crying, wishing the pain would end. I went off the deep end and allowed my addiction to become even worse.
Eventually, I even became bitter, almost angry, and yet, I couldn't bring myself to really be angry. I still loved her so much, and I always would. I felt like I was losing it, and things were at the worst, and I was out of control. I allowed myself to become a totally different person, and I knew, even as I was doing these things, this wasn't who I was and I didn't like it. My emotions were so out of control that I couldn't seem to get a handle on myself. Then a funny thing happened, I realized I couldn't depend on others to make me happy - I had to do that for myself. I still wanted Tara back, but at the end of the day, the way things were going, that would never happen. If I wanted her back then I needed to change, and not just for her, even if my very worst fear came to pass, and we were never with each other again, I was pushing away everyone in my life. Eventually, there would be nothing left, and that scared me. I owed it to her to try and make up for the wrongs I did, at the very least, to show her that her opinion mattered. How could I proclaim to love her so much, yet turn a blind eye and keep going down the path I was on when she told me how much it hurt her? I also owed it to myself. I was better than that, and I damned well needed to start acting like it.
