by kisstheviolets » Fri Feb 15, 2008 12:01 am
i don't know what the hell just happened. i mean, i know i just totally wigged and probably fucked everything up, but i don't know how or why, exactly. today was such an amazing day. the girl took me to one of her favorite lunch spots and we sat in a park and enjoy a tiny bit of sun. i nonchalantly gave her a heart shaped pez, she snuck some heart shaped chocolates into my coat pocket (despite the fact that we said we weren't doing traditional v-day). we met up after work and had dinner and drinks (the blacklight mini-golf ended up being a no-go). it was so great and meant so much to me.
and then we ended up back at her house, cuddling on her bed, and i was so overwhelmed with feeling for her. but i thought i felt her pull away from me before we got to her house (not physically, but this shift i felt in her before she freaked a few weeks ago and cooled things off for a week) and i think it made me wig. we'd gone back to her place with the intent to have a little thursday special, you know. but we're lying there and she was yawning and talking about putting jammies on (she's never slept in jammies with me before) and so then i think she wants me to leave, that i was right in my feeling that she was pulling away. so i'm like "i guess i'm gonna go." and she doesn't argue, just hugs and kisses me, tells me to have a good night, sleep well, whatever, but doesn't let go of me. so i stay lying there for a while and then ask if she wants me to go. she says she's sleepy and torn. and for some reason my retarded heart interprets that as a slight. as confirmation that she doesn't really want me. that's she's going to pull away and leave me just as i've suspected she would all this time. and so i get huffy and say "i'll make it easy for you then" and put my shoes and coat on. and that starts a whole unpleasant dialogue. she says it's shitty that i'm going to leave like that. i tell her i feel like she could just take me or leave me. she asks if i wanted her to beg me to stay, and i realize that that is what i wanted/needed. i say "yeah, but i know that's not your style." and she says, "no, it's not." and we hug for a while and say goodbye, she says she'll talk to me tomorrow, but i just know that things are different now. that i totally made what i was afraid of happening a reality.
what the hell?? who does that? why am i so freaking emotionally retarded? it's like i felt too much for her, had too perfect of a day, and couldn't keep from fucking it up.
"Threads that are golden don't break easily." - Tori Amos, "Horses"
