Coming Out Thread

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Just want to add my two cents in here for Wicca Ness. It sounds like you don't know how your parents feel about homosexuality in general, so my suggestion would be to try testing the waters--start bringing up gay rights or anyone who you know who's gay, something like that, and gauge their reactions in an attempt to see how they'd take it. Not a fool-proof plan of course, but it might help.

[Guest]

9.30 p.m.; my parents' house.

On the phone:

My male friend is falling deeply in love with me and I was feeling really guilty about leading him in a relationship that was beginning to look more and more like unrequited love (on both sides, but for different reasons). So I picked up the courage to tell him the whole truth about my bisexuality (or am I gay?).

He responded to it with a maturity I had not been expecting...and he was instantly loving, comforting and supportive which I wasn't expecting either.

But the third and least of my expectations came up when we both heard a distinct 'clic' on the line. I think someone might have picked up the extension with the intention of making a call and...ended up eavesdropping (?) and listening to a whole lot of crude confessions. And this person might very well have been my father since the extension line is in his study.

Which confronts me with a situation I'm completely unprepared for – what if Dad finally got to know?

[Zooeys_Bridge]

oh, geez, Vi'. that's really nervewracking. keep us posted, i hope everything works out well. I'll do my best to get back to you, things are kind of crazy for me right now.

[Wicca Ness]

CrazyTaraWitch...Thanks i could try that, test the waters a little =}

And i agree with Zooeys_Bridge, Keep us posted Vi!!!

[Guest]

Thank you for your words of support Rachel & Ness .

After a quiet enquiry, it became apparent that my father did pick up the phone while Romy and I were talking but he has been acting his normal self despite palpable tension and awkwardness after the famous call of last night.

Knowing how he is though (and if he's heard anything significant), he will certainly try to extirpate the truth out of me at a time when he knows I'll be off-guard. I should definitely start preparing for that particular confrontation.

One cool thing that happened though is that I now have a new best friend and fervent gay supporter wrapped in the skin of an ex-boyfriend. I think it's the first time I have come across a local who actually wishes to be an active member of the coming-out process. He's more excited about it than me and at least our brainstorming provides us with effectiveness in our different point of views on the issue. Being respected and accepted in Mauritian orthodoxy as a gay person feels wonderful. It has lead to a new sense of hope and courage.

[LestatDraconus]

Whoa, rough stuff, nimloth.

I mean, wow with your ex being all supportive and amazing like that but also ouch for your dad being mr. eavesdrop. Two ways it could go: A sit down that could either blow up, or could make him accept it or 2, see no evil, speak no evil. He could totally ignore any mention of the topic and all sorts. I hope to hear what happens.

Now a fun story of my own.

I found out (and I've posted it somewhere on the board a while ago) that I am a Lesbian trapped in a Man's body. And not in a stupid sense as in "yeah I'm a lesbian, I do women" but more in a "I'm disgusted with my body and I hate being male" kind way.

Mum was accepting, she's quite great, but I was in tears at telling her my "confession" because of the thoughts of never being able to be in a body I am comfortable with and being able to do things that I would if I was a female.

Big depression creeped up on me and I moped for like a week and then... nothing. It was like everything was back to normal. I referenced my conversation a few times that week but after that, it was kind of like she didn't want to talk about it because she thought it was a phase or something like that, I don't know.

But there is also me.

I still do all the things I used to before my revelation, if not more. Including the thing that a male does every so often if he doesn't have a partner. But it's still there, in the back of my mind, and after each 'thing', disgust roars up in me and makes me heavily depressed. I don't know anymore.

Fun note: Can't get the operation 'cause I was gifted with a big-bone structure and am all that entails a young-strapping gentleman. I mean, I could get the op, but it wouldn't be the same. It would look odd. I dunno.

[AB]

I'm new here and you all seem really nice so I was just hoping I could maybe get some advice. I have known for a few years now that I prefer the company of women to men. I'm in no way ashamed of it and many of my friends know, but they are mostly guys. I'm afraid to tell the rest of my friends as well as my family. My family are pretty much all biggoted. I constantly fight with them when they decide to allow their "homophobia" to be spoken aloud, in fact I would go as far to say it's screaming matches, mostly between my step-granfather and myself, but the rest of my family are no better. It causes me great distress to hear them talk like that knowing that they are talking like that about an aspect of me that I hold so dearly. I keep quiet to keep the peace, but it really hurts. Many of my friends are also frightened by the idea of someone being gay (geez I picked great friends eh?). I just don't know what to do. Do I risk losing everything I have to be happy or do I continue pretending to keep everyone but myself contented?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

The way I see it AB, anyone who really loves you will figure out their own way to deal and be ok, though that could mean them cutting you out of their lives. Keeping others happy is no way to live your life. I think the more important consideration is whether or not the possibility of losing friends and family is worth it to be open about who you are. For me it was worth the risk and turned out well, but everyone has to figure it out for themselves. I wish you much luck, and hope you base your decisions on your own needs, not those of other people.

[jay/wt4evr]

Hi, today a guy I have a course with said that homosexuality is a disease, cos it was scientific and it's a wrong cromosome
I looked at him so bad he froze, but he went on saying that it's a disease
what do you think I should do?
At that moment I didn't say anything, thinking that he won't change his mind if anyone told him that it's a disease as much as height, hair colour and so on, but do you think I should ttell him anything? cos he really pissed me off


and AB, I'm pretty much in the same situation as you, and with my folk I decided to be quiet at least til I will be enough 'grown up' for them not to be brushed off like juvenile exsperimentation, but I really don't care what most of the people i hang out with think about me, I have close friends and they are everything to me, and I already told them , the others...well the others I just ignore them, even though yes, it hurts, a lot.
but you shouldn't lose any sleep over it
Best of luck

[AB]

Thanks to everyone for their advice it really helped me

jay/wt4ever if i were you I would have blasted the ass hole who said that, what right does he have to say stupid ignorent things like that?

[jay/wt4evr]

AB, that's why I let it go, he's ignorant...
buy sadly my very bad temper will surface if he will bring out this topic again

[Guest]

Um well, Dad's keeping quiet so all's well for the time being.

LestatDraconus:

Have you tried psychotherapy as a preliminary treatment of choice so as to see how you would fare with psychosocial changes as a female? I was also figuring that if your bone structure acts as a barrier for sex reassignment surgery, maybe you could try out Hormone Replacement Therapy. But please, do consult an expert physician on that matter. That coupled with appropriate counselling could help you feel better in your biological and mental skins. But even if HRT does not work, therapeutic methods could help you step-by-step either by integrating into your personality the desired gender roles in such a way so as to help you learn to accept your current condition as a lesbian trapped in a male's body or else help you adapt to your situation and increase your coping resources.

Whatever might be your choices, all the best for any future endeavours.

AB:

You are not ashamed of your identity and that in itself I think is a positive ideal. How about examining in detail your reasons, goals and expectations conducive to your lesbian status before deciding on the path to take? I think our families and friends tend to infantilise our gay feelings through their derogatory remarks by not assuming, as you mentioned, an essential aspect of our identity. One way of counteracting this I found was through the construction of your personal narrative of what constitutes your personal viewpoint on life in gay culture as a minority culture engulfed by heterosexual learning. The issue here is not to seek acceptance but to establish yourself first and foremost as an individual. And I’m agreeing with CrazyTaraWitch here, as far as possible, live your life as you feel it should be lived.

Jay:

DSM – I and DSM - II (Diagnostic and Statistical manual of mental disorders) did classify homosexuality under the category of variant sexual behaviours and that lasted till the 80's but thankfully, the revised versions did not take the same lead. If your friend is plagued by an acculturated fear-of-personally-unknown sexual expressions, bashing him with a hammer will not help (though how I also wish it would – anyway, rant away Jay. At least, you get to exteriorise your anger over here). His homophobic stance serves as an enhancement of the normalisation of heterosexuality and the more you'll gain access to hurtful declarations like these, the more your ego should battle with itself so as to gain access to personal equalitarian identity with the larger culture. In that way, none of you will actually be superior to the other but the feeling shall linger enough for your identity to continue shaping.

Take care everyone.

Vi'

[jay/wt4evr]

nimloth, that was very useful, and don't worry, I think I'll ignore him so much he'll beg me to even acknoledge his presence lol not really
and for the disease thing I'm pretty sure no one ever died of homosexuality

anyway, my mother told me she wanted to go to Naples on Easter, and i told her yes, and it will be just me and her, and I wanted to come out to her then.
oddly whenever I feel close to her enough to tell her she does something to make me back off :(
but I think I'll tell her, so if you'll see a huge rant on the rant thread that's me



and Vi, that could be quiet before hell, or he's just waiting for you to talk to him, you know your own father, but maybe he'll surprise you {maybe}
best of luck honey

[stringsrock]

I've never posted before, so this should be fun. For the past year or so I've been dealing with the whole 'questioning my sexuality' thing. I'm 21 now and before college, I've never had any thought about being with a woman. I was never attracted to my friends or anything. Even during my freshman year, I had a boyfriend and was pretty content. But I started having these feelings toward this girl in one of my classes, and attraction that I had never experienced before. I had seen some Willow/Tara stuff before (on features about the show) and it got me curious, rather than appalled. Things with the boyfriend didn't work out, because he was in love with me and I wasn't, although at the time I didn't understand why. So, since then I've spent the past year or so just examing myself introspectively to try to make sense of everything. I tried convincing myself that I wasn't gay, that it was just a phase or something; that I would meet a great guy and live that fantasy life I always imagined. But I knew deep down that it wasn't really true. Just a few days ago, I finally came to terms with it and, basically 'came out' to myself. That's when I started reading on this website and realized that I'm definitely not alone. I'm slowly adjusting to this new acceptance of myself, but I feel better now.

I've sorta been testing the waters with the whole telling my family issue. I've decided not to tell anyone until I meet someone and fall in love. That way I have no doubt about anything and I wouldn't want to keep this important part of my life from them anymore. My sisters and I (they're 14 and 16) have been watching Buffy lately, seasons 3-6, so I carefully brought up the Willow/Tara issue with them, well mainly the older one, just to see their reaction. At first, they didn't like Tara because they thought she made Willow gay. But by season 6, they seemed to be more accepting of them and were pretty sad that Tara died. They thought the whole thing of two girls being together was "weird", but they didn't say it was wrong or anything really degrading about them. My mom was uncomfortable with it, but she didn't forbid us from watching it or anything.

I have decided that when I come out, I want to tell my aunt Chris first. She and I are pretty close and I know that she would be ok with it, even if she thinks it's a little weird. My aunt Sheri is only a few years older than me and is a psychologist, so I might consider talking to her too, to see if she has any advice. She mentioned once at a family get together, just as an offhand joke, that it would be ok if one of us were gay, that we could 'use a little diversity in this family'. That gave me hope, sort of a sign that everything would work out. I think Chris would be able to tell me what to expect with my mom, since they talk almost every day. My parents are Catholic, so I don't know what to expect from a religious perspective. My mom is more devout than my dad, but she has admitted that there are some aspects of the church's beliefs that she doesn't agree with. I'm worried, mostly, of them being dissappointed with me, but I am sure that they will love and accept me as long as I am happy.

Sorry that this is so long, but I needed to tell someone.

[JustSkipIt]

stringsrock - Wow. I'm kind of blown away by the maturity in your post. I notice that you're not labeling yourself and that's great. You've discovered that you're interested in women which is cool and you're testing the waters on your family. I think that's a really great approach. I don't know what to say except you seem to be doing great and you've found a great resource in this board so welcome.

[jay/wt4evr]

Hi guys
I made it
I came out to my mother
But I did cos I knew she kinda knew, so it's not really couming out, still...
She took it well, but I know she's not happy for me; maybe ok with this, but she wants me to go to a psychologist of sex to 'help me out' we really need to have a talk about this cos she knows what I think about them, anyway...
first she gave me the whole 'aren't you too young' speech, then 'are you sure' then 'be careful' and I asked if she accepted me for who I am and she told me I'm nut lol
she's not happy cos she doesn't want me living a difficult life, she doesn't accept me being this...mature {tonight we had a talk about some stuff, and she told me {I quote} she's definitely not ok with me being this mature} she really wuod have preferred me having an easy life, but ever the mother and then we'll have a talk about this too
but Kittens. I made it

[Wicca Ness]

Stringsrock I wish you luck and i too been testing the waters, i asked my own sister how she would feel if our youngest sister turned out to be gay, she looked at me in shock and answered I dont know which desnt give me much to go on. My mom might know, im not to sure at all though. And im not ready to go further in the testing department just yet with her. But if i do come out i'll probably do the same and wait till i have some one.

Jay Congrats on that. I hope everything works out good,

[Zooeys_Bridge]

Jay! Mazel Tov! Give her some time, it might get better. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it does. But yay nonetheless for doing it! Go you!

[littlewicca]

Hello Kittens,

I thought about posting this here because I didnt know where else.

I have a co worker who is a friend also and she is lesbian. She went out with other co worker to a gay party, but this other girl wasnt lesbian, the point is, this girl told my friend that, she kinda knew she was lesbian and she thought I was also, the weird things is I dont know why Im not butch or anything, im curious about that.

I dont really mind because this co worker talks to me and never treated me diferent, also she told my friend that she wasnt the only one who thought that, also two other co workers did. A lot of them thinks Im dating my friend but it is not true, I dont like her as more than a friend, besides Im in love with someone else.

I take all this as funny I dont really care what they think, Im glad they are good with it and dont go talking around about that, and that they are not closed minded, there are a lot of gay people at work but they are all men.

Another thing, is that I told a friend I knew for a long while, and we didnt see each other for a while, the last time we went out I told her I was lesbian and she took it good.

[lisa-and-katie]

I will only tell anyone if I am comfortable.

Not told parents yet.

Told my eldest brother who said he suspected so and gave me a huge hug.

Told an ex-friend who didn't believe me or who I'd dated in High School.

I mean how could she have been gay when she was so pretty ?

Er, because she headed straight to bed with me after school !

No-one should be forced to be out in my opinion.

[Guest]

No-one should be forced to be out in my opinion.

I agree with that...Coming out of the closet does not have a universal meaning or the same implications everywhere else on the globe.

[stringsrock]

So, with the end of the semester approaching, I decided to write some closing thoughts in this diary/poetry book thing I have. I started by writing about my year, the ups and downs, and then addressed the struggle I've been having with identifying my sexuality. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure myself out. Imagining my life in a relationship with a man, or a woman. Trying to see what felt right. I'm pretty sure that I am a lesbian because it just feels right, like something I intuitively know and trust. But, I don't really know. I've never even kissed another woman, or fallen in love with one, so I can't really know.

In writing about this, I came to some interesting conclusions. I realized that it's not about the body, sex, man vs woman... it's about the person. Falling in love with another person. It really doesn't matter if i'm gay or not. It's not a decision, a conclusion, or even a realization. It's an irrelevant marker. What matters is love. To try and quantify love to make it simpler is trivial. When I fall in love, I will be in love. The rest is just insignificant details.

I have a scientific mindset which conflicts with what I am going through. I want to clearly identify myself to be out of this ambivalence. Waiting, following my heart without seeing ahead puts me in unease. I just want to know who i am so that I can move forward. Yet, the musical, intuitive side of me understands that love is a completely new endeavor. I wrote once that my aesthetic, my inner beauty, is love. I know that it isn't simple or quantifiable, but I want it to be. I'm starting to realize and understand these conflicts within myself and I feel better being able to move forward and see where life takes me.
Sorry this is so long, but I just felt like writing. Sharing with everyone a bit of truth I found in myself that might help someone else.

[nicola]

I need to start coming out again. Came out 5 years ago, family, oldest friends, co-workers, all knew. past 2 years I seem to have crept back in. colleagues, flatmates, new friends, they prob know, but I'm not open about it. is really starting to get me down. its blocking my relationships, you can't get closer to people when you don't offer part of your life to the converstation (esp when they are being open, with many new friends starting to discuss ex's and relationship probs) Plus I haven't had a date in years and prob never will if people don't know who I am and what I like. (Boys don't hit on me, I'm too good at giving out keep away vibes! girls don't hit on me, I look straight and again with the keep away vibes.) Urrghhh, somethings gotta give soon! I gotta get the courage to do it all again!

[angelthevampiress]

I have a pretty big problem. I'm still not sure what I am, but I'm sure that I'm attracted to girls. I was raised in a Christian household with very strict Christian parents. All my life I have been told that gay people go to hell, and I know if I ever came out I would get kicked out of the house. But still, it isn't really them I'm worried about. I'm very confused myself and have no clue where I'm going in life.. any advice would be appreciated.

[jay/wt4evr]

You know, angelthevampiress, I think that a label doesn't define who are you, so about the 'what I am' part I'd say that you have to follow your feelings, 'who are you' will come with time
For the 'where I'm going' I think nobody knows, I mean, I don't know where I'm going even though I came out, so you shouldn't put your life on hold to figure out what's happening to you. cos you know, everything goes on, the more you live the more you can learn or figure out

Hope that everything turns out well

[Dorothy]

if you decide you really want to tell them, you might want to take a look at my advice below. Just use what aplies to you and orget the rest of it

With really strict parents you'd best have a backup plan before you come out. Make sure you've gathered your most precious belongings in a safe place and that got a place to go if they do kick you out.

Also try to be safe, if you think there's the slightes chance they might hurt you: don't tell them when you're alone with them in a place where you can't get away.

Try to have one or more people who will stick up for you within reach, it can really hurt you more then you think it ill if your parents go mad on you. Even if you're a really strong person. They can come in handy if you'd get into a fight, or just when you need someone to talk to after comming out.

Parents can sometimes be a big pain in the *ss but whatever you do, don't let them frighten you with all this hell-talk, first of all: if God wouldn't have made lesbians, where did we come from? second: If being lesbian was such a problem I'm sure He would have dropped all television satilites out of orbit during "Hush";) and last but not least: if all gay people go to hell... it sure sounds like a nice place to me, where do I sign up?

[woahnellie]

I came out to one of my friends last night via text message. I was drunk and it was a stupid thing to do. Well I guess it wasn't too stupid, I had been wanting to tell someone for awhile. I just am nervous to see her tomorrow at work. I'm afraid she'll act different. I wish I had told her in person. I need to stop drunk texting lol. Well I feel kinda relieved that I finally told someone but nervous at the same time.

[Gatito Grande]

A couple of weeks ago, I tried to Come Out to my 88 year-old father (this is after I came out to my mom last year----on her death bed. She was really too far gone to have any kind of recognizable reaction: naturally, I like to think she was/is OK w/ it!)

I say "tried", because it didn't really take, exactly.

Let me explain. The reason I decided to come out to him now (I am, alas, single, and there hasn't been a gf to whom I ever really could have introduced him), is because he lives in California.

Where there's an election, in November.

An election to decide whether California will keep its recently acquired marriage equality , or ban it for same sex couples.

Ergo, I decided (soon after the Supreme Court decision) that I couldn't really live with myself, if I DIDN'T make a good-faith effort to persuade my father (and my brother---that's down the line) to Vote NO...

...by way of telling them about Lil' Ol' Me.

So . . . when visiting California (for his bday), and amidst him talking about HIS personal life (Ewww! TMI! Plus, my mom's only been dead since last September)---and also the upcoming election (at least he's voting for Obama )---I decided to broach "the subject".

I said "Don't vote to ban same-sex marriage---cuz that's something I might want to have, some day."

OK, now he SEEMED to get that: he immediately asked me about . . . well, do ya all here remember "skittles"? She's a close friend of mine (IRL). Everybody and their mother---father! thinks we're a couple, so it wasn't surprising my dad did, too.

But when I said we weren't...

...he apparently got the wrong idea. Like I hadn't just come out to him, and we were just discussing "gay marriage" in an abstract, political way.

This did not go well.


"The Bible's against it!" he said.


Well, we went around and around after this.

Nothing's really settled. I'm going to have to try again.

GG ...but it could have gone WORSE. At least I'm not disowned, or anything. I talked to him just a couple of days ago, and he still says he loves me. Out

The struggle continues...

[Candleshoe]

Maybe it'll take him some time? As you say, at least he's not disowned you. I'm still praying for you, btw, GG. Always do.

I came out to my parents in stages, and each time we had an entire day of them shouting, crying and arguing while I got less and less interested in their opinion, but I left on good terms in the end. It's not been spoken of since. Literally, not one word from them about it in six months of Sunday Lunches. It's like it never happened...which is a bit of shame really, and they're not going to be able to bury their heads in the sand for much longer...

I wish they had made a choice, and I'd even have handled them disowning me. But now I have no idea how to handle stuff. Like wedding invitations! It's polite to invite them, but will that make it worse? Should I respect their obvious wishes and continue to allow them to pretend nothing's happening? I dunno...

[jackie2007]

I haven't formally introduced myself, and my love for Willow/Tara and anything Buffy has been profound over the years. I have come out as many different things, from the age of 12 till 19, I believed I was bisexual, even though I never had sex with a man, and throughly enjoyed my relationships and sexual intimacy with women.

I do want to note, between that 7 year gap, I went back and forth from saying I was bisexual to lesbian and back, however I was neither comfortable with either label, well, because they were labels, and because I believed somehow, culturally, sexually, emotionally and otherwise I would have to live up to those labels...boy I was so wrong.

In the past 2 years, I am 21 now, I had a serious LTR with a woman, who broke my heart (long story that is too long for this board, but maybe someday), and fell in love for the first time, and the only time i have I ever been in love. During this time, I realized my attraction to men was more out of admiration, not physical love or romantically.

For so long, for almost 10 years I have believed that x, y, z made me a lesbian. What I saw from the media told me stereotypical ways of being a lesbian or this or that. When I came back to Willow and Tara's relationship, their relationship was beyond stereotypes, beyond labels, it was love. It was an epiphany for me. Seeing them and seeing my friends living life beyond what society expected of lesbians, made me my comfortable being myself and I stopped forcing myself to live up to these ideas of what it meant to be a lesbian.

So while now I identify as a lesbian, it is not because I think doing x, y, z makes me a lesbian, being a lesbian is a small part of me, and one I have finally be proud to own, and when I own it, its hardly a label for me.

Thanks for reading