Coming Out Thread

[Guest]

Hello jackie2007,

I read your personal story with intent as some elements from it matched some of my own personal perspectives in the forging of an identity without the chain of labels.

Through this exploratory journey, I discovered that the homoerotic journey was not a necessary step in affirming one's identity. Having feelings for one's sex or for both sexes automatically creates a confrontation with one's primary biological constitution relating us to the paradoxical liberty we have in terms of affection. In the end, what counts is our auto-definition of who we are based on the corresponding subjective criteria in our lifespan – at the personal and at the social level.

Thank you for sharing,

Vi'

[kellah]

Hi all.

I'm new here, thought I'd put a post in

I came out (bisexual) to my parents when I was 17 (now 21), and I agree that it's a pain that everything gets swept under the carpet.

My first relationship was hard...I was disowned by my family for a while, my father refused to look at me, while my mum called me an 'embarrassment', which is something I will slowly forget over time.

I worked on market stalls, earning just enough money for a bus to visit my girl as much as I could, only to find after eight months of failing at college/juggling jobs/hiding at her place on occasion, I found she had slept with other girls. (She kept the kittens I got her the day before I found out) :(

I came home to my parents, who reluctantly accepted me back but the issue wasn't to be spoken of. I couldn't look at another girl, couldn't open myself up, couldn't let anything go.

I've been in a relationship with a guy now for 2 years, but once again my head is in a spin...I've fallen for a girl I work with and I can't stop thinking about her. My partner isn't aware of my past because it's too daunting to think of, never mind mention to him...but I'm so confused with how I feel, I know it may well be just a crush, but I don't know what I want. It's like coming out all over again, and I couldn't bear the agony like last time.

I feel lost.

[maudmac]

Oh, wow, kellah. First off - hello and welcome to the Kitten!

Sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot in the last 3 or 4 years. I am really sorry you've had those experiences with your parents and then the first girlfriend. You must have felt so wounded by all that. And it sounds like you're really afraid of getting wounded again.

Do you have anyone there you think you'd feel comfortable opening up to about all this? Someone who wouldn't judge you and might be able to help you sort through some of your feelings?

I know this all feels turbulent to you right now, but what do you think you'd like to see happen?

[JustSkipIt]

Kellah - First off, welcome to the KB. I think you'll find it a wonderfully loving and supportive community. Your story sounds quite hard. I'm of two minds because on one hand, I don't want to encourage you to jeopardize your current relationship, but on the other, I'm a huge romantic. I believe in love and forever love and passion and being swept away. So I don't know and my only advice (which I'm not sure you requested) is can you get to know the girl and just see what happens? If you want to be friends and if she's even gay/bi?

Good luck and please check back.

[jackie2007]

I believe honesty is the best policy, cheesy, I know, but its something I live by. Does your guy know about your past relationship at all or that you've had feelings for girls in the past? Do you think he would be understanding of at least your past feelings.

As for the person at work you dig, that's going to be tough, as you know. Being honest with your guy about your past is important I believe, but you've got to do what you feel is right.

[kellah]

Thank you so much for the replies, and the warm welcome!

Well in regards to sexuality, he has heard from other people (such as friends who haven't realised I never discussed the topic with my partner), but as far as I'm aware, he believes I just 'dabbled' as kids do.

I've been getting closer to her over the past few weeks, from just chatting to her by chance, to spending my breaks with her, and skipping lunch to sit with her - even if she's just taking calls (we work in a call centre). I gave up smoking because I know she doesn't like the smell :/ I even get the horrible burning feeling in my stomach when she jokes with other people...and that nervous feeling when she talks with me.

Humph...I'm trying not to get too close to her, because with all the chatting I did manage to worm in the question of relationships...and she's taken. It's just really hard when she's so friendly towards me, it's as though I keep wishing for it to be different, and thus making myself believe it's something more.

I think I should mull this over in my mind a bit more before I decide what to do in my relationship...hmm, I just don't want to delay this for too long - which is something I'm terribly good at :(

[Guest]

Hello kellah

In any case, there's quite a demarcation to be expected between affirming your feelings in your intimate sphere (your current partner and the girl you are attracted to) and your current social sphere. You have already gone through the suffering of being disowned by your family and there is a possibility that this has enhanced your need to be 'socially accommodated' and accepted in that very public sphere you are in right now. If you feel you need more time for working out the feelings you have with your partner based on this context, please allow them to unravel irrespective of the nature of these thoughts and emotions, as it won't be escapism but will help you acknowledge whatever it is that you cannot acknowledge for the time being – and for excellent personal reasons. The price of clandestineness while you are meeting this girl everyday will be very high though as what you will be winning in security in your current relationship, you will be losing in spontaneity. However, whatever decision you take will most certainly have its positive aspects – maybe not at once but definitely in the future.

Wish you all the best...and welcome to the KB ^^

Vi'

[synthwrr]

hey.. wow, it's been a while since i bulletin-boarded it, but here i am.. *sigh* it's pretty cool to find a group of people who're still around and the diggin of the love of the W&T.
not to mention, wise lesbians. O.O very nice

anyhow, i'm here not because i have a problem being "out," not anymore... kind of figured it out a few years ago. in fact, it was difficult to try to convince everyone i was *straight,* before i came to terms. settin off all the gaydars in town.

used to be grossed out by the whole gay sex thing, as people expressed so excellently on page 1, but not an issue anymore.

but, I am dying to have somebody. i just kept- keep- falling for straight girls, trying to "change" them, and failing miserably, and being miserable. it's a spot. so, any ideas on how to avoid that pitfall? and find somebody? i'm going to college soon, this school year will be my freshman year... and i really want it to work out, you know?

that's all..

[synthwrr]

haha reading this again, realizing i'm not really saying anything at all...
feel free to ignore me.
o i did just get the courage up to come out to my dad, like an hour ago. probably cos of this thread. so thanks for that.

[Willowtree252]

I came out to my father (again) last night. I told him about Sandi and our life together our plans. He asked if I was happy I said more then I have ever been he gave his blessing. I told him we would come by on our way home here and he said that we would be welcomed that makes me happy I love him but my love must be respected I wont stand for less. I would not have been able to do this if not for my love Sandi she has stood by me all the way.

[BlueMeetsGreen]

Hello I'm Sinead, new to this. Did the whole intro thing...like yesturday . Um, so yeah I've been a little confused as of late. I'm 18 and untill a few months ago, i was very much into men, and now they dont interest me in the slight. I have found that women do though, I never thought i'd be attracted to women, just because it never happened. well apart from that one time where i found that i had some strange unfamiliar feelings towards a women but i put that down to the fact that she helped me through a very hard time in my life, and well also down to growing up and just going through the transactions (who i was kidding i dont know,that was 2years ago and i still get all nervous and flippy belly when i see her) so does anyone know what this means?I dont have anyone to talk to about this, not sure to talk to my mum and it ironically happens that my best friend is quite the homophobe.typical. Any suggestions?

[Sparks]

My coming out was... really weird to say the least.

It kinda wasn't really like I was coming out, because I didn't really say it. I was 16 and preparing to go for my driver's test with my mom. I was driving the car and just chatting away with my mom, then all of a sudden she says: "so... turn left... Iknowyou'regay... don't forget to stop at that stop sign!" Yeah, it was weird, but I also felt kind of lucky because my parents are super liberal and wicked, so they were great about it.

I actually initially came out to my two best friends, who were really dumbfounded and suprised. But after the initial shock, they were great about it. I'm was actually suprised with the positive reactions I got because I'm from a very small town. These days when I tell people I just get the usual "what? No way... you totally don't look like a lesbian..." Oh the ignorant masses

[Kessari]

My coming out....

Well I was uhm 16, turning 17 and I met this incredible girl and was so damn much in love with her. So since I always had a really good connection to my mom I told her about it, and she was all freaking out, telling me about things ppl will think and that I was not allowed to tell anyone else, and this being just a stupid phase and things....blablabla

Last year I had a boyfriend. He was really really sweet and stuff, but things just did not work out and yeah I never really look at guys the way I look at women, so we both him and I discovered that we only wanted to be friends and that's the way it is now. We're both absolutely happy about that though.

My mom still keeps on freaking out, when I tell her I met a nice woman and stuff, even if we are just friends...

So that was my lil comin' out!

[lollipopgirl]

Ok, I know I've been basically non-existent around these parts for waaay too long but I swear, I think about you guys all the time
Anyway, after really thinking about where I stand with my sexuality lately and feeling like I need advice, I couldn't think of a better place to come than back to my old home of the Kitten Board
Sooo, I know I've always pretty much been attracted to girls since I was like 12 (maybe younger but I don't remember), and had to kinda force myself to see guys the same way, but I tended to just put that down to admiration, even when I fantasized about them too. My attraction towards females has really increased lately, and I barely notice guys on the same level now... I was in a relationship with a guy for like all of last year and very rarely did I feel emotionally stable with him, he was gorgeous and really sweet but I guess it got kinda awkward.
Nowadays, I feel more comfortable being around gay couples at my local gay club (which I love) than around straight couples at all the other ones and yeah, just everything seems to be pointing in that direction but I just really don't feel like I'm a lesbian... I feel like I'm straight but don't really want to be and never really have... but I don't know
Sure, I could be bi but that term really has bad connotations where I come from, worse than gay/lesbian, coz most of the 'bi' people my age around here only saying it for attention or to get what they can.

If I were in a relationship with a female (which, I am kinda hoping for atm) than I doubt I would come out to my family, not out of fear coz I'm use to my mother asking me that since I was younger coz of my strong views on gay rights, but just coz I don't like talking about myself like that... It took me long enough to tell my mum about my ex-boyfriend and months till my friends found out

Anyone, with the rant over, the advice I'm looking for is how am I really going to know?

[jay/wt4evr]

Sounds like you're pretty 'comfortable' with your feelings...I mean, it's not like 'I can't be just turn me back', more like, it's always been like that and you don't know if you are because you've never felt any different?

[lollipopgirl]

Yeah pretty much... I was thinking about it like that and I think the reason it's never really come up as an 'issue' for me before is coz I did just accept as me and how I've always been... The only reason I'm 'concerned' about it now is I'm at that whole stage of thinking about what I look for in a partner and it kinda confuses everything, lol... Looks like I'll have to settle for going with whatever happens and trust my feelings?
That's good then, works with my whole romantic idea that people fall in love with the person not the anatomy

[jay/wt4evr]

Looks like I'll have to settle for going with whatever happens and trust my feelings?
That's good then, works with my whole romantic idea that people fall in love with the person not the anatomy

Well, it's not like you're bound to a tag, right?
I mean, either way goes your sexuality, it's not like someone can choose who they fall in love with. A girl falls for a boy or another who falls for a girl, it's always love {mentioning only girls since you are a one}
Either way, good luck

[Willowtree252]

Today my boss asked me about my "special someone" she is cool so I told her. Now everyone is freaking out dammit I am not ashamed of Sandi or our love if they do find a way to get rid of me I did not need to be there in the first place. grrrrrrr I am who I am its not like I told the whole place only a nice woman that was being happy for me if it bites me in the ass fuck a duck.

[stringsrock]

So, I was just talking to my mom on the phone and I had this urge to tell her that I was gay. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I just need to talk to someone about this, since I've never said it out loud. I'm afraid to talk to my friends, of what they'll think. I know they'll be OK with it, but what if I'm wrong about all this. I've never kissed a girl or even held hands. I've had crushes and attractions, but I don't really know for sure. I think some guys are attractive, but I don't really want to be with them as more than friends. I've wanted to tell her in person too, when I was at home. I don't think it would be a good idea, though, since I haven't figured anything out yet. I would like to write something more concrete; that i've found someone special and I'm moving forward. But now all I can do is wait, and wonder.

[twink]

hey kittens,

coming out is one of the most difficult things i've ever had to tackle.
i'm sure it is that way for many of you as well.

i started w/ my sister, just sort of joking around and she paused and asked are you serious...yes...then i got a resounding yippie from her. b/c of many many discussions she and i had had in the past i knew where she stood on the topic.

my best advice (if you can call it that) is start w/ the people you know are cool. i also started on the "outer-relm" of some of my friends/ aquantances...people whom if i lost them b/c of that i knew they really weren't that important to me. not to mention i could "practice" if you will.

my parents however, are the entire opposite of cool. so i basically got my true friends around me to support me first and when i was ready i told my parents...i knew i had a support system ready if needed. (and it was needed). this was over 8 yrs or so ago. my parents are still not great, and i don't ever expect them to be. they are better than they were...but still not great.

understand that you could be rocking all their expectations and they may have to readjust their thinking. i read somewhere that it typically takes parents 3yrs to adjust...i thought that was an odd timeframe...but after about 3yrs my parents stopped acting as strangely/stupidly. it does seem like a long time to wait, but time is what everyone needed in my situation.

oh! also...i know some people have huge concerns about getting shipped off to places to get "reprogrammed"...if that is a concern and you have the ability to....meet your parents in a "neutral" location (a resterant, a library, barnes & noble, coffee shop, whatever). a place where you all drive seperately to and they can't cause a huge scene, or it will make them think twice about it. also you'll be in public, a lot harder to "abduct" someone b/c you can cause a big scene if necessary.

find your local pflag chapter...they typically have free literature to help your parents and friends understand a little better.

i don't like to paint pictures like that to the young kittys out there, but if i had these thoughts then i know some of you all did/do as well.

just one more thing...keep in mind that since you've just altered reality for your parents (espeically in my case) they are probably going to ask what seem to you stupid, insulting, extreme questions....that's the sign they are attempting to get a handle on how far and which way is up at the moment. try not to laugh and try not to make things worse w/ a snarky answer. i found it best not to expect anything. lay the info out there and let them decide what they are going to do w/ it.

sorry this got so lengthy....

anyway, good luck to you all!!

[Gatito Grande]

I came out to my 12 Step group (Emotions Anonymous) today.

GG Heh: only took 3 years! Out

[twink]

Congratulations Gatito Grande!

[Surpanakha]

I have never..you know, 'cause my mom kind of makes it clear that she doesn't want a gay daughter. I'm thinking that she's getting kind of suspicious so she keeps telling me to marry, marry, marry. She tries to hook me up with a neighbor I barely knew, and she has our marriage in mind. Gosh! I'm only turning seventeen in two weeks, it's not even legal. And I don't want to get married to soon, not even at 27 which is a standard age in my country, not because I am confused with my sexuality. I have dreams I would totally give my life for and marriage will only hinder it, let alone be a sign of my impending doom.

[twink]

Surpanakha, 17 is really young in my eyes to be getting married, even if it is to someone you wanted to marry. Try not to get pulled into a situation that you will forever regret. You will probably have to stand up for yourself at some point it sounds like. You don't necessarily have to "come out", but you will probably have to say something to make sure that you don't get married off into a situation that you do not want to be in.

[Surpanakha]

Yes thank you, I totally agree.

Now I go to a different church so as not to see that guy. Too bad he would have been my friend 'cause his nice and all, but my mom puts malice everytime I speak to him. I understand the paranoia of my mom but I am 17 and I do want to make choices of my own, with her guidance of course.

[Guest]

Hello Surpanakha,

Your personal story caught my eye as I faced a similar scenario in the past. Although parents' primary motivation for trying to coerce their sons or daughters into a marriage is love, the love usually easily transmutes itself into a form of emotional blackmail that is hard to disengage from. I find though that you are concentrating less on the struggle of your mother and more on your life projects and that can be a really good thing if you manage to translate these wishes and desires into a well thought out future that you can realistically act upon as you move into adulthood.

Exploring emotions relative to situations of unwanted marriages are tension relieving but remain so only for a little while. It becomes even more imperative for you then to strive to become closer to those people in your immediate circle who will be able to understand the cultural undermining of your personal situation and possibly stand by you in times of need.

You mention that you are respecting your mother's guidance and at the same time are expressing freewill. If I may say so, I would simply recommend that you enact possible narratives in your mind as to the implications of your mother either finding out about your sexual orientation or finding yourself in a marriage that you hadn't wanted despite all precautions taken. From personal experience, it becomes even harder to actually stand one's ground when actually in full front contact with the same much discussed context.

All the best,
Vi'

[Surpanakha]

Hi nimloth,

If I may ask, what happened to you then?

I came out to my friends. It wasn't a ceremonial outing, some, I just told casually, others found out through time. But they are totally cool with it. They never treat me as if I am another person. Whenever I tell them of my female crushes, they act as they normally would to other girls who have male crushes. My friends are so cool, and I love them so much.

[Guest]

If I may ask, what happened to you then?

I'm still unmarried ^^ Nothing much happened.

It's the struggling period that had been particularly hard for handling since two opposing ways of thinking were clashing but in the end each party was able to respect the other's point of view. I was also way younger, less mature, had only just graduated and hadn't found a stable job yet. These made my position stronger.

It's good that you already have a network of supporting people with you

Vi'

[the prophet]

Way-hey first post. how’s it going. Thought I’d put my 2 cents into this thread.
I’m bi. I probably like women more but for me it’s more about the person not the gender.
I think maybe I always knew but didn’t like to admit it, coming from a small town and all you get told how wrong it is and blah blah blah.
I have never really come out to my parents. The main fact is they are over the other side of the world. I’m Aussie but have been living in London for nearly 6 years. Came over less than a month after I turned 18. I don’t want to do it over the phone. I don’t think they would really mind, well I hope, but I think it’s the thing u gotta do face to face.
when I first came over here I refused to think of myself as gay or bi, never admitting it thinking there was something wrong with me. But over time I have come to realise, quite slowly, that there is nothing wrong with feeling the way I do. Its hard sometimes, I know my close friends don’t give two shits about who I like or what I do, but sometimes I still I get that feeling that you get judged on that aspect of your life with people, and i'll always be 'that gay girl' to some people. but I guess that’s life.

[Floyd]

So I told my three closest friends about my girl crush.

I've come to the conclusion that I fucking love my friends.