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[center]See Chapter One for disclaimers.
Note: indented sections are flashbacks.[/center]
chapter 13 – Small Movements
A car was parked around the side of the old apartment. Even with the lights dimmed the driver had managed to cautiously maneuver it into place. Squinting upward, he watched a figure disappear into a dark hallway, then reappear again running up the stairs. He appeared calm, unconcerned. Beside him lay a small arsenal of weapons. Out of habit, he peered in his rear view mirror, then out the front window, before slouching back into the driver’s seat. As an afterthought, he threw his arm over the back of the car seat and got comfortable.
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It was a horrible place.
She kicked the door shut and put down her bags, one bundle in particular, Tara set down with extra care. “So, this is low-income housing in Sunnydale?” Out past the 17 and near the 101 freeway—wwaaayyy out. Taking a sweeping look at her new surroundings, she rubbed her lower back at the dull pain from the baby weight and the moving.
Tara took a quick walk around the small studio. The kitchen was attached to the single main room separated only by a counter and small open archway. There was a bathroom off to the side and a single closet. It was musty and dark, the floor creaked, the faucets dripped, there was some strange odor coming from an area of the kitchen, an unknown film of ‘something’ covered the old furniture, and the toilet and sink were filled with murky water. It made the dorms seem like a palace.
Turning her back to the apartment, Tara walked to a window. Pulling aside the grayed curtain, she was just in time to catch sight of the apricot sun setting. It floated on the horizon in a momentary haze; waves of leftover heat shimmered outward from the warm glowing orb as it descended. The luminescent blue sky was streaked with washes of pink and textured in a spray of thin clouds with soft puffed ends. Her lips moved involuntarily into a partial smile.
So beautiful.
Then, her eyes drifted downward to the ground below. Her mouth grew taunt. Just beyond her window was the picturesque view of a cemetery.
Tara turned around quickly; she swore she heard something, and it was heading stealthy up the stairs. That “Something” was coming quickly to her door as a dark orange shadow passed over her shoulder — the sun was sinking faster than she expected. Her eyes grew wide, measuring by sight the 15 feet of distance to the front door until she settled with a fixed stare on the doorknob. In her haste, she had not locked it.
Tara you fool! The deadbolt seemed to gape open, the flimsy chain lock hung limp on the wall. She wanted to run toward the door, but whatever was after her was already there.
Vampires cannot come in unless invited, vampires cannot come in unless invited, vampires cannot… what about other demons?
Tara raised a hand, an incantation; something to save her and the baby. Even so, she was frightened and had a terrible realization—she was completely alone. No Willow, no Slayer, no students, no faculty, just her. Had she made a terrible mistake by her rash decision? Her heart was beating hard in her chest, drumming into her ears, and pulsing in her throat.
She waited, holding her breath. Her eyes were riveted on the door handle she thought she saw move just a fraction.
* CRASH!! *
Suddenly there was a movement inside the apartment. Startled, she turned quickly to the left where the sound had come from, blinking in disbelief because nothing had come through the front door. Everything was happening too fast. Whatever that ‘Something’ was, was now in the kitchen. Unable to recall even the simplest of spells, panic set in and she quickly grabbed an old brass lamp sitting on a dusty table. She took a step towards the open archway, then thought better of it and stepped back. As she did “Something” darted out of the unlit kitchen and into the main room; she screamed and jumped back. “Aaa!!”
An agitated fur covered little monster came to a screeching halt in the middle of the main room. Claws outstretched, it spun and slid slightly to a stop. Its blue eyes flitted wildly in the fading light.
Tara was about to let out a laugh at the sight of the small furball covered in dust bunnies.
My mind is playing tricks on me. Her frame relaxed, she leaned back against the windowsill half out of relief and half out of amusement. A old pan lid spun to a dead stop in the kitchen. She dropped her arm, letting the lamp rest partially on the floor.
“Oh that’s f-fantastic, you silly kitty you s-scared me, but don’t….” She didn’t get to finish. The kitten’s back arched, its tail puffing up larger than expected with dust bunnies attached. Then, it quickly darted away under the nearby couch.
Abruptly the front door burst open.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Tara didn’t have time for any defense; she was completely caught off guard. She let out a half yelp that she swallowed and dropped the lamp completely. It was dark and all she could see were flashes of fierce eyes and red talons. Something with a sharp horn and a chest of armor was hurdling toward her, bellowing at the top of its lungs. There was no stopping the thing that was destined for her. Crouching down and shielding her belly, Tara closed her eyes tight berating herself for not heeding the simple advice she had been given.
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It was an emergency of sorts; Tara got a hold of Lee who was, as usual, helpful. Thank the goddess for contingency plans, so Tara stopped by the clinic as instructed. With an abbreviated semi-truth of her dilemma, the sympathetic nurse got her a few nights’ accommodations in a nearby hotel. Tara kept quiet over the next couple of days, gathering her thoughts, trying to persuade herself that all was well. All was as it should be.
“Tara, how are you today?” Not waiting for an answer, especially since Tara kept her chin pointed to the floor, Lee confidently went on. “Here, why don’t we head over here? I have some good news.” She gestured toward one of the rooms.
“Oh, ok.” Tara nodded and walked forwards. Keep moving, just keep moving everything is fine. No more crying. She could not afford the luxury of a breakdown.
Taking a seat next to Tara, Lee spoke professionally. “I’ve found a place, its affordable, and will take the financial aid that you are approved for.” Once the technicalities were over Lee covered her hand over Tara's and her voice softened to a whisper, “I won’t lie, it’s probably not the best place. So don’t stay out late, always lock all your windows and doors especially at night, and never, never let in anyone you don’t know. Ok?” She glanced at Tara knowingly.
I knew it. She must know about the Hellmouth. Tara locked eyes with Lee. “I understand.”
“It’s going to be alright.” Patting Tara’s hand Lee smiled a bit, letting the warmth of the gesture flow into her dark eyes.
Tara shyly nodded.
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“Have you lost your mind? I thought you were saner than the rest of them! What are you doing screaming like that? And get up off the floor; is that some kind of new pregnancy technique? Because if it is….”
Tara looked up in shock. “A-Aanya? Wha-?” It was Anya holding up a stake, red fingernail polish glittering in the sparse light, and a large gaudy metal cross suspended around her neck covering the entire expanse of her chest.
Something moved in the apartment.
“What, where are the vampires?”
- - FFTTPP-HHHIIIISSSSSSSSSS! - -
“Eeek!” Anya shrieked. Startled, the stake fell with a heavy thunk on the floor. “What the Hellmouth is that!?”
“Kitty!” Tara picked up the little furball currently spitting and hissing at Anya. “Shh, it’s ok, she’s a… f-friend.” She chuckled nervously as she picked off the dust bunnies encircling the feisty kitten she had happened upon just a few days ago.
“Are you sure that thing’s not possessed?” Anya kept her eyes on the kitten as she bent down and picked up the stake. “I’ll stake it for you!”
“No, she’s just protective,” Tara said, as she petted the now happily purring kitty.
Anya just shook her head, then held out the stake and holy water to Tara. “What were you thinking, taking residence in… in this, all alone?” Anya gestured around the room of the small apartment. “Are all humans this insane? Alone! You can’t leave a pregnant woman on her own… in a Hellmouth! I mean the sacrificial possibilities are just too enticing! What the average demon, warlock, evil-doer could do. Oh! And, what about the above-average? There’s plenty of exceptional talent out there. Are you trying to attract a vampire?” She shook the stake and holy water again at Tara. “Here, take these.”
Though full of questions, Tara dutifully put the kitten down and took the items from Anya.
Turning, Anya grabbed one of Tara’s bags. Then, as an afterthought, she paused and picked up the other. “Do you want to become a demon delicacy? You are pregnant and you are a witch, that makes you an irresistible treat.”
“Anya, what are you doing h-here? How did you f-find me?” Noticing that Anya already had most of her things and was heading towards the front door, “…and what are you doing?” Without time to think, Tara gathered up the small cat with a quick scoop, putting the kitten in her tote bag. With haste, she slung the entire package over her shoulder, checking to make sure the kitten was safe. With a final survey of the room, she picked up her backpack too. All this done in an attempt to keep up with Anya, who was almost out the front door. “W-where are we g-going?”
“A car,” Anya curtly replied as she halted and looked out the doorway, peering first left then right to make sure the hallway was clear. “Oh, and then my place. We have to move fast and quiet; night, vampires and demons.”
Tara was rushing as best as she could to keep up with Anya. Her unlikely rescuer was zig-zagging through the hallways of the tenement, though curiously she didn’t go out the front, but instead made a sharp left to the side of the building. Waiting for them was an old car with the lights off and the engine running.
Spike ducked his head down so he could see out the open car window. They had been to several other cheap hotels and housing units, his patience was wearing. “C’mon then, I’m not getting paid by the hour.” Spike knew where to find a girl on her own and in dire straits on the Hellmouth. Amongst vampires, tenements and such haunts were well-known feeding places for the newly risen or weaker of his kind. Chipped or not, it was beneath him to be seen in there.
“But you are getting paid! So the more you help, the faster we are done and out of here. Must I do everything?” Anya put the bags down and shot him a look. “Bad enough you wouldn’t go up there with me! You could at least help with the bags.”
He pursed his lips, and then sneered. He absolutely refused to go inside, but outside…. Finally he relented and threw the driver’s side door open while muttering, “So this is it? This is what it’s come to? Taxi service to keep me in blood!”
Anya quickly opened the passenger side door and ushered Tara into the back of the car. Tara barely got her backpack situated next to her while trying to arrange the tote on her lap. As Spike put the final bag in the back hatch Anya hopped into the front passenger seat as she pulled the cross from around her neck. She tucked it safely next to her and away from Spike. Once that was done, she turned around and reached over to lock Tara’s doors, then her own.
“Let’s go! I thought a vampire would move faster than this.” Anya spoke up, looking out the front and then back of the car, nervously thinking she had spied something just out of the range of her vision. Not foolish enough to assume it was just a trick of the lights, she pushed further. “Spike!”
“All right, all right. No need to get your panties in a twist. Nothing’s gonna come after us,” he grinned. “You’re with the ‘Big Bad’ after all, no need to worry your pretty heads.” Coolly he climbed into the driver’s seat. Spike put the car roughly into gear and it grinded in protest. He hesitated briefly, focusing into the darkness — he too noticed something out beyond the car.
---
In the distance, someone stared at the car peeling out abruptly. It left a dusty cloud as a remnant, the taillights gleaming bright red into the black horizon.
---
With the minor threat behind them, Spike’s curiosity got the better of him. “So…. What is it about you Blondie? What’s your story, fallout with the good Scoobies? Kicked to the curb by your so-called friends?” He raised his chin while looking at her in the rear view mirror.
Tara tucked her head down.
“Leave her alone Spike! You’re only here as transportation and protection, not interrogation.” Anya gave him a dirty look. Then she turned around to face Tara and smiled brightly, “besides, I am Tara’s friend. Very important in human society to have a friend.”
Tara remained quiet but slightly shocked.
“Friends? Ha!” Spike looked again at Tara. Then, he cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. “There’s…something…something about you.”
- - SSSRRREEEECHHHH - -
The car skidded to an abrupt halt. Shocked, Spike forgot to engage the clutch, so that the car jerked forward once more before cutting out completely. Instead his eyes were open, his hands gripped the steering wheel, and a foot planted hard on the brakes.
One of Anya’s arms was outstretched, her hand held fast to the dashboard to keep her in place. Her other arm was stretched out behind her seat in gesture that was somehow supposed to keep Tara safe. Tara herself had one hand braced against the back of Anya’s seat while she clutched the bag in lap protectively.
“Tara, are you ok?” Anya didn’t wait for a reply and swiveled around to Spike. “What is it? Is there something on the road? I didn’t see anything?” She peered out the front of the car, but saw nothing.
“For fuck’s sake!” Spike whirled around to stare at Tara.
Tara knitted her brow, uncomfortable under his gaze.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Anya snapped at Spike. “There’s nothing out there! Why did you stop? I’m not paying you to kill or maim us. Must I remind you? You are here to drive us safely to my place of residence.”
Spike only stared at Tara harder. “She’s bloody buggery knocked up! And it’s W-….”
Anya struck Spike on the arm with the cross she had beside her.
“Je-sus! Bloody hell!” Spiked turned quickly to look at Anya. “That damned well hurt! It’s a good thing I wasn’t driving.”
“I wouldn’t have hit you while we were moving.” Anya’s face was grave.
Noting the look on Anya’s face, Spike grimaced at her before glancing again at the quiet passenger in the back seat. His face softened a bit.
Poor kid, abandoned huh luv? ‘Good guys’ my arse. Then his face toughened, he flexed his jaw. “No worries luv, just a lil’ something I thought I saw up ahead. Don’t worry.” He started the car, this time gently coaxing it into gear.
“T-thank you.” Tara’s voice was so soft, her words barely a whisper as she settled back into a comfortable position doing her best to blend and disappear into the back seat.
Despite the road noise Spike heard Tara’s every word. “Your place, Anya.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” Finally Anya relaxed too. She looked sideways at Spike who seemed more focused than before.
“And that’s gonna be peachy with the Scoobies?” Spiked sneered. He enjoyed annoying the good Scoobies.
“Why would it matter? Tara will be with me!” Anya’s sunny answer seemed obvious.
Tara blinked in disbelief, her eyes moving between the two people in the front seat. “Um, d-do I have a say in this?” She maneuvered the bag in her lap to better secure the kitty within.
“Sure luv, course you do.” Spike rested his left elbow against the car door leisurely dropping his hand out the window.
“Yes. And then, once you’ve said whatever you need to say, you’re coming to my place,” Anya nodded.
“Oh-kay.” Leaning back into the seat Tara smiled in relief, feeling the kitten purring contentedly in her arms.
It really was a terrible apartment. I don’t know Anya very well, but I like her. She’s definitely different, but then, her background. Which could actually be a good thing… I mean, I know Willow has problems with her…. Tara frowned slightly, thinking of her now estranged ‘partner’.
---
Spike lingered at the doorway, holding all of Tara’s bags. “C’mon now, you know I can’t bloody well just stroll in!”
Briefly, Anya thought about it before acquiescing. “Spike, you’re welcome, come in.”
Holding tightly to her tote, Tara dragged herself to the couch. The kitten popped its head out of the bag. “Anya, can I?”
Anya narrowed her eyes at the small cat. “Okay, but if it ruins anything… I’m giving it to Spike for demon poker. I still think we should have given him that thing as a tip. It is customary to tip drivers, isn’t it?”
Spike stepped inside and put the bags down. With an approving sneer, he nodded.
“You don’t tip drivers with kitties.” Tara gave Spike a ‘no, I’m sorry’ look. Then apprehensively she pulled the kitten out of the bag, holding the small cat up in one hand. “Now be good.” Then she put her down and the little furball jetted off, making Tara snicker. “She’s after an imaginary mouse.”
Anya replied casually, “Powder Pixie Demon, only cats can see them. They like to torture people with their offspring that humans sometimes confusedly called ‘dust bunnies’. They reproduce quickly. What do we call ‘it’? The feline, not the Powder Pixie Demon offspring.”
Tara and Spike peered curiously at Anya who was watching the kitten, until Tara answered. “I-I haven’t really named her. I call her ‘kitty’, ‘Ms. Kitty’.” Remembering how silly and fantastically protective the small cat was earlier, she firmly stated, “Ms. Kitty Fantastico.”
“Hmm.” Anya contemplated the name while watching the small cat dart under the sofa again. “Are you sure? How about ‘Tip’?”
Tara furrowed her brow. “No.”
Spike only cocked his head and sucked in his cheeks, then addressed Tara, “Look here luv, s’alright. No tip necessary.” He grinned wickedly. “Besides it’ll take the piss out of the ‘Super-Friends’ to know I helped. I like that just fine.”
Tara only shook her head amusedly.
Spike continued to approach near, but not too close to, Tara, “You know, If you need something, let me know. I’m as clever, as I am evil.”
Tara just barely nodded. Anxiously, she bit her lip and then did something she felt she should do. She stood up, approached Spike, and took a gentle hold of his hand in both of hers. She looked into his eyes, briefly, silently searching. She kept it simple. “Thank you.” This time she said it clearly.
The gesture caught Spike off guard. The bravado left his face and his eyes softened again. Her hand was so warm, more human and more real than anything he could remember in the centuries recently past. “Right, right…anything to upset the Scoobies. Night chauffer, body guard, Hellmouth and all….” He felt himself genuinely smile as he peered at Tara. Her face seemed so innocently young, but her eyes reflected something much older. He couldn’t look into Tara’s eyes any longer; it seemed to burrow into something deep inside him. So, he turned towards Anya instead, dropping Tara’s hand as his smile morphed into his regular sneer. “Hey vengeance-girl, if you decide to put this on the Scoobie’s tab? Even better!”
Anya considered this and then shook her head. It was simple really;Tara deserved her say on the matter. It was obvious, though incredibly stupid, that her friend wanted privacy, or, at least, to get away from Willow. “No. I think this is something they shouldn’t know about. It’s up to Tara.” Huffing, she continued narrowing her eyes as she picked up her purse, "See, Xander said I couldn't keep a secret. Ha!"
“I would like to keep this…p-private.” Tara looked at them both seriously. Then, knowingly, she turned away and began to open one of her bags, though she didn’t need anything in it.
Shrugging it off easily, Anya pulled some money out of her wallet and held it out to Spike. “Here, a deal is a deal.”
Spike peeked back at Tara who was sorting through her luggage. Hastily he grabbed the money, stuffing it into his pocket.
A fella’s gotta feed after all. But he felt sheepish taking it. He was convinced everything he was doing was just to get back at the Scoobies. He liked being that sharp thorn in their sides. He turned back towards Tara only when the cash was safely tucked away.
---
Anya’s place was infinitely better than the tenement. It was sunny and warmly decorated in bold rich colors, modern, and above all, not near a cemetery. Spike took off after promising to keep Tara’s whereabouts mum.
“In my day, I would have happily cursed Willow,” Anya chattered on as she closed the front door in the wake of Spike’s departure. Locking the door, she stopped, and then turned toward Tara. “Well, except ‘she’ isn’t a ‘he’. I had a specialty after all, but I’m sure I could find an associate to do it. I still probably could, a little summoning….”
Tara couldn’t help chuckling a little, but shook her head. “No, I couldn’t do that to W-Willow.” The name made her somber once more.
“Okay, if you say so.” Anya walked over to where Tara was sitting on the couch.
Tara tried to change the subject for fear of breaking down. “T-Thank you Anya for… for getting me out of that place and letting me stay here. I really hope Miss Kitty Fantastico won’t be a problem, if she is I’m sure I can find….” She watched the little kitten tear around the large room.
“Your welcome. Oh and the feline… I’ve had my fair share of fur-covered beasts around me. Some that even talked, but they are best for manual labor. Yes, I have plenty of room here.” Anya patted the couch. “You should be comfortable.”
Tara nodded, focusing on the small cat. Unable to help herself, she started to laugh and sniffle at the same time.
Sitting next to Tara, Anya examined her guest, curiously tilting her head one way then the other, unsure of the appropriate thing to do.
“I’m sorry,” Tara let out a breath with a final strangled crying-guffaw. “I’m ok, really, you don’t need to….”
“Oohhh!” Anya jumped up, slightly rearranging herself on the couch so that she sat facing Tara in a cross-legged position. “We need to have a chest to chest moment.”
“E-Excuse me?” Tara was confused, staring at Anya who was only beaming at her excitedly.
“Yes, a chest to chest for your circulatory distress and angina pectoris.”
Tara coughed. “My what?!”
“Your heart and suffocation pains. You know, ‘angina’. What? Demons who specialized in evisceration need to know their medical terminology,” Anya went on, slightly annoyed.
In a quiet voice Tara bemusedly inquired, “Do you mean a ‘heart to heart’?” She felt Ms. Kitty rubbing up against her legs, the kitten’s tail wrapping around her calf.
Anya put her hands together in a slightly giddy manner. “Yes! You must also turn this way and sit crossing your legs, like me.” She tugged at Tara’s legs indicating that she was supposed to sit facing her as well.
“Um, Anya, I’m pregnant, with an expanding belly, I can’t sit that way.”
“Oh well, we can forego that then.” Anya waved away the notion and her face became very serious as she put her elbows on her knees then rested her chin on her hands. “Please feel free to unload your heart in a friendship manner with me.”
Tara hesitated.
Why not, why shouldn’t I share with someone? I haven’t really spoken to anyone other than Willow about this. At least Anya seems genuinely interested. Tara began, “I don’t know where to start….”
Jumping to her feet, suddenly Anya interrupted, “Wait!”
Ms. Kitty hopped back, her back slightly arched while Tara stopped cold at the abrupt outburst.
“I believe ice cream is customary in this situation!” Anya was up off the couch and quickly in the kitchen. “I have several flavors, which is appropriate for this occasion.” Her bubbly voice floated merrily into the living room. “Should I also order some food of the fast variety?”
Tara gave a genuine laugh as Anya went on about a super-fudge Sunday concoction she had heard about once and fast food delivery. Smiling, she looked down at Ms. Kitty and gave her a quick scratch between the ears. “I bet you’re hungry too, huh?”
Anya came back with two spoons and several pints of ice cream, the phone tucked into her back pocket. “So, you’re pregnant?” She handed one pint to Tara.
“Uh, w-well, yes.”
“Willow got you pregnant, that’s obvious.” Anya nodded at her own assessment and pulled the phone out of her pocket. “What should I order? Pizza? No, Chinese food. I like all the containers, I know exactly what to order!” She dialed a phone number and waited. “What spell did she use?”
“I-Inanna.”
“The maiden, right. And you’re not enjoying orgasms with Willow?” Anya was ever direct; she smoothly segued into an order without consulting Tara. “Hello. For delivery, I’d like….”
“No! I mean, the spell was an accident, we’re just friends.” Tara felt embarrassed. Anya’s blunt proclamation was just too close to her feelings. In fact, her sexual desire had increased with the second trimester. She’d feel an electric hum in her body that constantly yearned for Willow.
Anya hung up the phone. “Hmmm. Well, I think you should seduce her, then she would stop lusting after Xander.”
“I-I ah, d-don’t know wh….” Blushing, Tara’s mind was reeling.
Willow lusts after Xander?“Oh, don’t worry. I’m on your side, I like you… you are my new best friend! I can help you get Willow.” Anya assured Tara of only her best intentions.
Tara could only gape at the genuine enthusiasm coming from her newly acquired ally. Suddenly her expression changed and she placed her hands over her abdomen.
Oh my goddess, I think the baby just kicked? A silence fell over the room as Anya schemed to herself and Tara sat silently smiling with a hand on her belly. But, her face fell slightly, saddened by memories and a future lost.
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She held her hand softly, and then turned it to look at her palm. She grazed her thumb over the lines etched there, tracing the lifeline over and over. The heart monitor, a metronome of constant beeps, drowned out all the other hospital sounds. She glanced at the machine and her eyes wandered over the maze of translucent IV tubes.
“Baby?”
“Mom?” She turned quickly towards her mother, forgetting the mass of medical equipment around her.
* cough *
“It’ll all be okay.” Waving her off with her free hand, she struggled to sit slightly upright.
“Momma you should rest.” She dropped her mom’s hand and was up off her seat.
“No baby, listen.” Grabbing up her daughter’s hand roughly, she squeezed it.
“You shouldn’t get so upset.” She felt her hand pulsing hot in such a fiery grip. Her mother was showing a strength she hadn’t shown in such a long time. “Mom, please.”
“You need to live. Leave this place, go, find a life... somewhere, just leave here.”
“I need to stay here and take care of you. You’re getting better. See how strong you are right now.” To illustrate her point, she shook her mom’s hand gripping her own. “See?” Striking a sunny confident smile, her treasonous eyes gave her away as they misted slightly.
“No. Live, and you can only do that away from….”
“I can’t, I just can’t.” She swallowed hard and her smile dropped.
“Why? I’m not long for this world baby, why wait?” Shaking and trembling, she sputtered on. “If there’s a place for you, if you can have a life, even a small one, if… if baby, if you don’t….”
“Momma, no.” The tears came easily, swelling up from deep within, ripping through her until she gave up trying to keep composed enough to speak.
“Leave here… leave me….”
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Tara sniffled, letting the memory pass over her heart with a long exhale. Recollection, thought, possibility occupied her heart and mind. Now that she felt safe, what she kept at bay, she now let in—sorrow. She wrapped it around her, blanketing her heartache in the company of memories and old wounds. The pain seeped into her. As she drew a breath she felt the pressure tighten around her chest. The strain not only from her belly, but the pull on her entire frame produced an ache in her back. The pinprick of a headache bit at her temples. She should cry, let it out, her body was telling her to, but she couldn’t. Instead, she swallowed her feelings in quiet reflection, her hand trailing over the sofa arm as she scanned Anya’s apartment.
Being by herself was nothing new to Tara, but at the tenement, she felt truly alone. Frightened and isolated, a lone identity with someone already dependent on her. She wrapped her arms around her abdomen as the baby shifted once more. Spying the little cat napping nearby elicited a brief smile from her. At least Ms. Kitty had been with her, a foundling that was found, like her.
Thank the goddess for Anya…and Spike.
It was good to be somewhere safe, she was fortunate and so very grateful. Her newly minted ‘best friend’ was in her own room, despite her own exhaustion, Tara wasn’t sleepy. She stood at Anya’s window looking again at the sky. This time it was black, the color of midnight sprinkled with bright little lights. Her eyes were focused on a distant glow, a planet or a star probably several hundred-billion light years away.
Give or take, she grinned, and then her smile faded.
Willow would know. I’d only call it the “Big Pineapple” or something...yet another future lost….
It had been an eventful few days and months, to say the least. She had left the dorms and left Willow, convinced it was the right thing to do. But was it? It was a hasty decision that put her and the baby in possible jeopardy.
Willow wants to be with Oz. Wasn’t she just convoluting the already complicated nature of it all - a triangle with a fourth side in the making?
What did Willow mean by ‘more’?
Whatever the answers may or may not be, they seemed not to matter, not in the grand scheme of things. There were so many ‘ifs’ to the situation, but there was really only one ‘if’ she needed to be concerned about.
Maybe that ‘if’ should really be ‘when’? ‘The baby will need Willow’, say it again and again, so you never forget it. But, it was so easy to forget, so easy to just… just live.
Things were just moving along so well with Willow, but Oz was her wake up call. For more reasons than one she laughed slightly, it was so symbolic. She had so easily pushed things aside, caught up in her normal, or semi-normal, life — caught up in Willow. But, the big ‘if’ could not be mitigated nor negated so simply. Despite all that entailed with living on an active Hellmouth, if there was one place she had a chance, it would be here in Sunnydale. And that all changed when she got pregnant.
Leaving Willow was selfish.
Isn’t that what Willow really wanted all along, but couldn’t do, just because she felt responsible? And she was really hurt by it, but didn’t want to admit it.
I let my own feelings get the better of me even when I thought I was playing it safe…. She had allowed herself to become too attached to Willow, persuading even herself that their growing closeness was all for the baby’s sake and not hers. Not hers at all. But it was about her. Her leaving and acting out—it was an adolescent grand gesture that made her age show. She felt ashamed of herself, but now what?
I have to rise above it, no more rash decisions. Right? She asked herself again. She had to stick to her plan until the time was right, because the baby deserved to have at least one mother. Turning away from the window, she moved towards the couch. She lifted Ms. Kitty who fussed at the movements that stirred her from her sleep. “Shh, it’s ok…we’re ok.” Her voice was soft as she stroked the kitten, the gesture soothing to both.
But, maybe having the baby is selfish too?
Silhouetted by the moonlight, Tara turned back towards the window, undecided.
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Spike stood outside Anya’s house, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. Out of sight and in the shadows, he could see Tara gazing out of the window. The genuine concern he felt for her made him uncomfortable; it harkened back to someone he had known so very long ago. It was an echo of a feeling from the days when his heart still beat. He despised sentimentality; it made him feel like a ponce. Still, he lingered there a bit longer until the lights above were put out. When he was satisfied, he dropped the cigarette on the ground and mashed it out crushing it under his heel. Then he turned and lowered his head, glaring out towards the tenements they had come from earlier on.
And what the bloody hell was that creeping around in the dark?
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Thank you starcomed, for the beta & entertaining my wacky ideas.
great double demon team there.
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