Coming Out Thread

[Guest]

Namaste Rachie

[hannahtoo]

Hey guys

I'm 16 and have only came out to my sister who I didn't really think took it too seriously and have no intention of coming out for a while for a number of reasons. BUT I was wondering how old everyone else was when they came out

Just to encourage me or kind of give me some perspective

Thanks

x

[Foomatic]

Hey Hannah,

Way to go coming out to your sister! My younger sister was the first one I told, and she didn't bat an eye. I was 20, so you're already at the head of the curve.

I understand not wanting to come out immediately; I think you have to have a bit of a tough skin, especially since you never know how people are going to react. Even though I knew all my friends were going to be cool with it, it didn't make it easy. Take your time and do it when you feel it's right.

[Morrigan]

Hey Hannah..

I was 19, i think, when i started coming out. You have to go at your own pace, and when you are ready to face whatever people may say/think/do. And as Foo said, you are ahead of the curve already, so don't stress about time!

[Naeryn]

When I hit puberty, I started being attracted to girls. Honestly, my dad had been having "the talk" with me from a relatively young age, well before this time, and he was always careful to preface things with "When you fall in love with a man... or woman! I'm not judging!" (and he honestly didn't know anything yet). So I knew that he would be fine with it, and I knew what was going on, and it honestly wasn't any big trauma for me.

But I still didn't come out, to even one person, until I was fourteen. That guy is still one of my best friends - and very, very gay himself, which was what made me comfortable with it, especially since he wasn't out yet either.

Took me another three years to come out. I honestly expected my mother's reaction to be... well, not very accepting. I didn't think she'd do anything foolish like trying to 'cure' me - she's not an idiot - but I really thought she wouldn't like it, or would be uncomfortable around me or something.

I was totally wrong though. I told her, finally, when I was seventeen, and you know what the first thing she said was? "I know." - We've been totally fine ever since.

Now, not every parent is going to react like this, not every friend is going to be supportive and all, and even if they ARE, it's still a stressful and difficult process, an uncomfortable line to cross.

But once you're out there, even if you do lose a couple of fickle friends in the process, you'll feel so much more comfortable with yourself that it's worth it. After all, the only person you HAVE to spend the rest of your life with is you.

At least, that's how it was for me. ^^

And as Foo and Morrigan have said, don't stress about it. Whenever you're ready is whenever will be right for you, and that varies from person to person.

[hannahtoo]

thanks guys you are so awesome giving advice to little ol' me

think I'm just gonna wait a while and see how it goes

big hugs and love

[JustSkipIt]

Hey Hannah,

I'm 16 and have only came out to my sister who I didn't really think took it too seriously and have no intention of coming out for a while for a number of reasons. BUT I was wondering how old everyone else was when they came out grin[/quote}

Hmmm. Well, I was older than you. I was pretty sure that I was gay at 17 or 18 but it was a very different world then. I went to college in 1985 and we had no Internet, no Ellen, no W/T. I thought I was alone in the world. Anyway... I came out in phases for sure: mom and most friends at 18. Brother at 19 or so. 1 Sister the same. 1 Sister and dad - probably 22. And my extended family all when I was about 22. At this point, I'm out to absolutely everyone including work and I have been for at least 15 years.

That said, you need to take everything at your pace and see what works for you. Good luck and welcome.

[Guest]

I find that I have become very casual with my coming outs. I have been recently reconnecting with a lot of good friends with whom I had lost touch over the years and whenever they ask me the inevitable question of when I am getting married (which is a cultural norm), I casually flick my hand and say: "Oh I'm sorry I never told you that before but I'm of a gay sexual orientation." I have been getting incredible instant approvals and acceptance as well which helps me feel I live with wonderful people despite our cultural prohibitions ... and I guess it's all because of L.O.V.E

Love towards me is what has led to so much unexpected acceptance from the people with whom I have come out and this despite religious beliefs. And this statement I say with great feeling because I live in a profoundly oriental cultural environment. I am so very grateful for that. Maybe one lovely spring day, I shall be able to just as nonchalantly mention to my parents that their daughter is gay ... but now is not the right time

I am happy with how my life is turning out to be. It took me a lot of years to start revealing my sexuality to a very select few and even then it was done over the phone because I felt so sure I would be instantly rejected. I am equally happy that today I can talk openly about my sexual orientation without experiencing fear. Maybe in a way, I am ready for the parents. But then maybe not.

I am happy though. Very happy

Peace,

Vi'

[JustSkipIt]

I am happy though. Very happy derr

Peace,

Vi'

Vi, How wonderful. [/quote]

[Guest]

Thank you Deb Thank you very much!

I was quite hurt today though when I came out to one of my best friend's mother. She had been egging me into revealing my marriage date and the lucky man's name (which as I say is culturally normal pressure) and so I told her I was gay. That was the only thing I managed to say.

She slapped my leg hard and asked me to stop joking. That was all. I don't know who got a greater shock but I think it must have been me. She simply didn't believe me and then of course asked me if I could change.

I felt horrible about being in her home at that moment and if I could have run away I would. But in the sitting room I had to stay and the offered tea I had to drink. Drinking tea in her home felt very very hard because my heart could almost feel that I was suddenly no more welcome as a daughter of the house. And my self esteem started to get lower while I pondered if I deserved to be in her home when she clearly was under great turmoil.

After a few hours of talking about everything except about what I had just said, she gave me a few pressies that she had brought back from India and even hugged me and said it was okay. But oh my god, by then, I was really feeling deeply emotional and on the verge of crying.

I don't know if I can go back to Aunty Dani's home again. But I'll miss her.

Vi'

[abarda]

I'm thinking about coming out to my mom and one of my sisters, and some friends too. But I don't know if it is the right time. I'm pretty sure mom and my sister know it, or at least wonder if I'm gay. But I don't know how they'll react when I say it. I prefer not to think how things will be after it; if I do so, I'll create the worst scenarios and I won't have the guts to tell them.
And I don't know how my friends will deal with it. In our group there's a girl who's a lesbian too, and she's out and everybody at college knows about her and her girlfriend. It's what makes me think they'll accept me. The thing is that this girl is, like, the "bad girl" in our group, and it seems to me that people accept her only because of it -"she's a bad girl, this is what you can expect from her". But I'm the opposite. I'm known to be responsible, and religious (my religious beliefs aren't against gays), and never do what's wrong. Not that I think that being gay is wrong, because I know it's not. But I'm afraid they'll think this way, and not accept me, because I'm the good girl who's always doing whatever they consider to be the really right thing, and then suddenly I'm doing something that, for them, is "wrong"? I know it doesn't seem to make much sense, but it's how I feel it.
And, because all of that, I don't think I can tell any of them about it. Sometimes there are things that I almost say, but then in the last moment I hold them back, because if I say them, they'll lead to questions that I'm not ready to answer...

[willowtarabuffyfaith]

Hey is it okay if i post this? I found this website and it for LGBTQ peeps to talk about coming out and sharing their stories and giving advice. If this isn't allowed please delete it or tell me and i'll delete it.

http://www.sincerelymecampaign.org/index.html

[JustSkipIt]

Xita suggested and I've followed suit that anyone who is willing post your coming out stories on the It Gets Better thread.

[Ariel]

For some people, coming out is lightning flash of realization. Others have a settled down deep feeling; they've somehow always known. I have to admit, I used to envy those sisters!

For me it was an evolution. I had feelings for other girls as a young girl but didn't know what it was.

I remembered reading my sister's psychology book when I was ten and it mentioned that it was common for girls to have crushes on other girls until they were 14. I sighed with relief, 4 more years to still be 'normal'.

In junior high and highschool I went the classic route: madly in love with best friends and knowing that they were straight. I wrote songs, poems, plays. You name it, I wrote it! Everything but the truth. There was some experimentation with a girl from Girl Scouts and a flutist in the marching band, a brilliant blind girl with a blazing intelligence and an awesome touch! It wasn't until I was 20 that I realized totally and truly who I was and what I liked.

I am deeply grateful to love and be loved in the world/state/neighborhool that I'm in now. I've done a lot of historical theatre, portrayed everything from a Medieval mid-wife, Renaissance Washerwoman, to a Gold Rush Madame and I am glad I live today in a place of acceptance.

Every woman's journey is different, but the courage it takes to claim your inner truth takes a special kind of honesty and heart.

I wish all new travelers a safe and happy journey!

Ariel

[Cyteach]

Coming out... I just turned 26 and I'm not completely out yet... gah, I know! I guess I should've seen the signs from an early age, but I didn't realize (or accept, I guess) I was gay until I was about 21.

Because of a lot of reasons (one in particular), I spent a lot of time repressing things in my life. When I was finally able to deal with that other crap, and decided I was ready to start really dating (beyond the school-age type), I couldn't picture myself with a man. So I declared myself a lesbian. I came out to a few friends gradually--and in some ridiculous ways ---and I met my first and last girlfriend almost four years ago and we plan on getting married within the next year and a half or so.

My issues are:

I live in a somewhat backwards place--it's the capital and fairly progressive, but the point of views of the older generation (my parents, for example) are still not where they should be. Thus, I'm scared shitless to tell my parents and extended family outright that I'm gay.

I've been with my gf for almost 4 years and lived with her for 3, wouldn't everything be so much easier if I was coming out single and not having "the wrath" pinpointed at her??

I'm sure my parents know.... why won't they say anything and make my life a WHOLE lot easier? We've shared a bedroom in a two-bedroom apartment for over 2 years, for godsake!

I'm a teacher and I'm afraid if I come out fully then that will affect my employment, even though it is against the charter of rights and freedoms in Canada (where I live)

Some big stuff went down in my family about five years ago where I was the maint event... i kept some things a secret when I really shouldn't have. After that incident, we made a promise not to keep any secrets from each other.. and guess what I did? Realized I was gay a few months later... and kept it a secret. I'm such a turd.

I'm not ashamed of being gay. i love my girl and I am happy (finally) and proud. So why can't I just bite the bullet and tell mt family?

[Guest]

...

[JustSkipIt]

Arial - What a lovely note. Wonderful for you!

Cyteach - Wow. That sounds really hard. The first part of your note sounds sort of like you're judging yourself pretty hard. Please love yourself and your timeline and your schedule. Some people come out by 15 and some take 50 years. You are in a relationship with a woman who loves you so I'd say you're ahead of the curve. I hear that you're worried your family will be upset that you've kept this from them. I guess I feel like maybe you can express to them that you're sorry that your secret-keeping has hurt them but that you're now ready to share this part of your life and that it's a wonderful part. You know? Like there's the gay and there's the secret about it and if they get wrapped in the secret, they'll sort of never get through to "my child is gay and happy." Anyway, I wish you luck.

Vi - Lol. I used to go to some personal growth seminars which I love and which really gave me a lot in my life. But one of the main precepts they have is that your intention is always indicated by the result you create. It meant that if your parents got angry or hurt when you came out, that was your intention so you were "in revenge" or in a power struggle with them. To me, it meant that your parents wanted to make something about you about them. Anyway, I finally got to a place with the seminars that I was like, "ok, I'm not going to quibble with you about how I got to be gay. I'm happy." Ironically, I would say that environment was the single most accepting and joyous place I've ever been regarding people's sexual orientation and choices. Anyway... we'll see what happens on November 6th!

[Guest]

Interestingly enough though Debra, we do attract to us people and relationships that are a mere mirror of what is going on inside of us. The ego's intention is that people trigger each other's wounds whereas the benevolent Universe's intention is that people heal each other's wounds within a relationship.

This came to me yesterday after I read about a mauritian friend's rant about her age (She's 28) and how people keep on and on making mention of that when they meet her as well as keep on and on asking her when she will get married. It is a daily situation most mauritian women from oriental backgrounds face when they are nearing their thirties. And it's so easy now to detect the neuroses found within collective consciousness that lead to our elders treating us in that way

It's also very interesting how our cultural lenses colour our life experiences. I cannot in any way relate to how my whole group of friends keep on laying emphasis on how much this is affectingg them and yet I also am part of the cultural make-up and feel equally emotionally exhausted with the constant marital requirements that come up.

It is highly possible that the lesbian deathbed syndrome crops up not only in oriental cultures but in all other cultures very much because of this; because of an extensively heterosexualised global culture that does not allow energetic space for the exploration of love towards oneself as within one's own gender.

Love and light to you Deb.

Vi'

[Guest]

A lot of my experiences are esoteric in nature because I dapple in this kind of environment 24/7 you could say So these are my sexual orientation related stories that have a lot of meaning for me personally.

I have another friend who, owing to her religious background, also had a few difficulties in accepting my homosexual orientation and the day before, she sent out a query to God asking for a channelled message that would reveal whether my homosexuality was positive or negative. She meditated for a while and then let go ... and that is when she was intuitively directed towards checking her mobile phone credit balance.

It said this: Rs. 65.56

Perfect balance

*Smiles*

[aurorabored]

I am not out out.

But tonight I made the biggest step.

I came out to my husband, my partner of almost 9 years, since we were fifteen. Sitting on the kitchen floor with drinks, I sobbed, told him I am gay, and clung to him. And he told me he loved me. No matter how this goes for us, we're best friends. And he can't fault me for being who I am, he is glad that I have finally let it all out. I am very lucky to have him. I've been so scared, and for the first time I can see a light at the end of the tunnel with the life we were both actually meant to have. And it is a life where we still have each other. Counseling is ahead, lots of work, I'm sure lots more tears and probably some anger, but I think it will be okay.

[Ariel]

Aurorabored,

Difficult situation, approached with both courage and love.

Best to you and yours.

Ariel

[jay/wt4evr]

New places, new faces, new people to lie to or to come out to.
Having had bad experiences with being outed I wasn't too keen on telling anyone at Uni, plus we made a small but tight group of friends and I didn't want to lose that. I was shitscared to lose that.
But in a night with a bunch of alcohol playing 'I Never' it came up and I realized I've found a fantastic group of people. Not everyone will be like them, I know that.
But they made me feel safe.
Maybe it's dumb luck, but I'm glad I came out. I wouldn't have friends this close if I hadn't.

[nicola]

Haven't posted in a while, but just wanted to say thanks for this thread, the people that read it and contribute. The Kitten Board always makes me smile!

In the year or so since I last posted, my life has transformed. I have come out to everyone that I know, apart from those I work with, and feel able to talk about myself, joke about sexuality and not let bad reactions break me. I have had a good, allbeit short relationship and I finally feel good about myself and who I am!

It all started with Vi (Nimloth) words: "Being responsible means being free and unconditionally accepting of oneself." Working on feeling good about who I am and the life that I want.

Then meeting new LGBT people, getting involved in a community group and meeting queers of all shapes, ages and backgrounds. I even performed my coming out story on stage with this group! It was terrifying, but a worthwhile experience! This gave me support, and a sense of normality about my sexuality.

Then a potential love interest (that never went anywhere) allowed me to explore feeling attracted to someone again (it had been a loooong time!) and to talk about my feelings with my friends and 'out' myself to new friends.

And then a short (it ended v recently) but fun and healthy realationship with someone that allowed me to realise that I do want a partner and I am capable of being with someone. I am not some kind of cold, asexual, lonely, plant like creature that is incapable of passion and feeling and romance and emotion. I can love and be loved, I am attractive and can feel attraction, I can support and be supported. There will be someone who I will choose and who will choose me back to create a life with. (Tara & Willow style!)

It also allowed me to out myself casually to many people and feel confident about dealing with there reactions-mostly postive! I even told some colleagues on a work trip last week-lets see if the gossip spreads and the last drawer in my closet is opened!

Also thanks to Vi aka nimloth in particular-your words have been a wonderful support and a valued perspective on life-I am always interested to read your posts on this topic!

"I am happy with how my life is turning out to be. It took me a lot of years to start revealing my sexuality to a very select few and even then it was done over the phone because I felt so sure I would be instantly rejected. I am equally happy that today I can talk openly about my sexual orientation without experiencing fear."

It was wonderful to read this, I wish you all the very best in your journey!

Happy thoughts to everyone else dealing with this issue. A quote I read once really struck a chord: 'being gay doesn't make you special-coming out does' this is so true. Coming out can be one of the most difficult, exhilarating and brave things a person can do-how ever far you do it, in what ever way-you are all incrediably special and brave-go kittens!

[Ariel]

Radiant energy - thank you for sharing your growth and good happenings!

Also great that you took the time to thank someone in particular for reaching out; community and help means so very, very, much.

Joy to you and yours.

Ariel

[Guest]

...

[Promthea128]

I started realizing I was gay about a year and a half, two years ago. My mom and sister know, and a handful of my friends. I sort of want to come out to the rest of my family, but on some level, I don't see the need. I don't need to make an announcement that I'm vegetarian, pagan, or have blonde hair, but know that if people care about me, and pay enough attention, they'll figure it out. I dislike having to tell people, because it seems to imply that someting has changed, that I have changed. I feel a little guilty for not having more pride even though my ... aversion? to coming out isn't that I'm ashamed, or anything close to that. I don't know.

[JustSkipIt]

. I feel a little guilty for not having more pride Gay Pride even though my ... aversion? to coming out isn't that I'm ashamed, or anything close to that. I don't know.

Don't feel guilty. Having pride doesn't mean that you're obligated to shout from the rooftops or make an announcement. Live your life. Live your joy. Share your love. Never feel guilty.

[Promthea128]

Mostly I don't feel guilty, because I know its my life, and I can live it as I wish. Its just a tiny voice that starts talking once in a while.

[BeMyDeputy]

@Promthea128: One useful rule of thumb I found was to think about what I would expect if the roles were flipped. Anyone with whom I share a relationship where I would expect her to explicitly share, I try to tell directly. Anyone else, I'm not worried about directly telling; like you said, if they pay attention, they'll notice.

For example, I told my family when I did because I wanted it to be before my next youngest sister came to high school with me: it would be obvious once she got to school (as I was publicly dating one of the teacher's daughters, and a lot of the school knew), and I wanted her to be prepared.

Now, I'm a big loud mouth, and I'm not exactly subtle: some coworkers of mine in college found out I was bi in a conversation that went basically like this:

Dude 1: Damn, she (a customer) was HOT.
Me: Uh, yeah. Very much so.
Dude 2: Uh, don't you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yeah . . . I'm bi. *shrug*
Dude 1: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Dude 2: Cool.
(I was a manager at McDonalds in Iowa City [San Fransisco of the Midwest], and the high school kids I worked with, many of whom grew up in small town Iowa and didn't really know queer people, were utterly fascinated by this information.)

Oddly enough, a lot of people ask me if I'm "really" bi. I never had this problem when I identified as gay. I'd say I was gay, and people were like "okay," but I say I'm bi and I get questions. No one asked me if I looked at girls with my girlfriend, but damn do people ask if I look at girls with my fiance (which, of course, I do.)

[willowtarabuffyfaith]

Hey...
I've been on here before saying my two best friends know i'm gay and they are happy and fine with it. Since then Iive told 3 other people that I feel comfortable enough to know. They are good with it cuz one of them has a girlfriend and another one is at least Bi....
But my issue is that today at lunch (i'm in my last year of high school, year 11) a guy i'm not even remotely close to asked me 'when d'you come out?' I freaking panicked and denied it...
I hate that i did that but i'm sooo not ready for more people to know at the moment. I only know that he over heard it from someone... I only want people to know i'm gay that i trust and feel comfortable with and thatwhen they find out it's because I TELL THEM MYSELF! I hate the fact that i feel like i have to hide a part of who i am.
I would not have denied it if he came up to me privately and asked me but he didn't, he just randomly came up to me and asked me out of the blue, in front of other people there that i don't even feel remotely comfortable with them knowing.
My best friend Danie found out how he found out and just keeps telling me she's here for me and that i shouldn't come out if i'm not ready. She's amazing and helped me out in this little freak out. I just can't wait until the day i can proudly say 'Yes! Yes i am Gay!' to when some one asks me out of the blue.