Broken Dolls [May 3rd]

[PolarBear]

Oh, how sad. Poor Tara. Probably the only reason that kept me from crying was because I was angry with Sheila. No mother should leave her children out in the cold like that.

There's much I'd want to say, but words fail me now. Anyway, you just got yourself an another reader.

[hondos]

Hey there Juju ,
I will not say the man thing again.Im sorry it's just I can't help it.I will blame California for this horrible habit....

Yes it is... So very much so. But is she really still a child if she is conscious of that?

Ohhh..Very good point there .

.But Willow
was a big girl. She was mature and responsible. She was able
to take care of herself easily.

Well Sheila is just fucking clueless I see.

She missed her daughter sometimes. Those moments were kind of frightening. They lived together and yet managed to not see
each other for days. She promised herself to take a weekend to
spend entirely with her daughter. To know how she was doing in
school, and everything.Anyway, tonight she would have fun once again.

And completely selfish and self centered. I guess this is what she tells herself to justify her actions.If she doesn't do this she may have to admit to herself how fucked up her whole program is.

ught maybe we could go back to your place instead. What
do you think? I promise I'll be quiet. It's just my roommate
is back and I don't want him to whine for some... of you."

I bet this is a wife or a girlfriend really.I bet Shelia knows this also .She'll never admit or she may feel the need to stop having all this fun

as silly to be worried about
Willow. She was a big girl, surely knew about this stuff, and
plus she would be in bed at this hour.

AARRRGGGG....I really dislike this woman.

Willow Rosenberg had never believed in monsters... But where
could come from this noise but a monster?

No.I agree.It's a monster for sure.The worst kind of monster.

She regretted painfully to have stayed in the living room. She
wished to never hear all those words and moans coming from her
mother's mouth. .

This is just...Yuckie, Yucky, Bluck, pffttt...Gross beyond words...

Making a silent wish for her daughter to see again some day
the redhead, Rebecca went back to her bedroom and put the toy in Tara's arms, who took it and hugged it tightly against her
chest in her sleep.

Well thank God for this. A small little piece of positive in this journey into the disturbing, rank and vile.

Shit shit shit. She didn't know how to react. Plus
what was she going to say? And what about Harry? But her mood
was kind of spoiled for sure.

Ha..Really.I am amazed that Shelia seems to be upset what so ever by the fact that her BABY DAUGHTER was just treated to the sounds of drunken perversion. SEND HIM HOME YOU DUMB ASS WOMAN!!. You know she's awake..At least try to salvage something out of this.Well too much to hope for I see..

But that was
something Rebecca wouldn't do. To lie to her daughter
She was safe in her mother's arms. She could fall asleep and
be happy. And that's exactly what she did.

Willow cried silently, in
the haven made by the heavy blanket. And tried to stop the
noises from entering her nest.
She thought that letting Willow
believe that her shield had protected her as planned would be
good for her.

I have to say here Juju, you are certainly showing the contrast of these two mothers in an amazing way here.I love the way you seem to jump from one scene to the next to show this so very clearly.
We have one mother here who refuses to lie to her daughter or hide anything from her and another who finds it easier to pretend it didn't happen so as to not have to face up to the truth.
It's also very sad that Willows comfort comes from shielding out her mother as Tara's comes from her mother.
I have to say I can imagine this must be a very difficult fic to write.
It's done wonderfully though and I yet again am just so very impressed by
it. You can tell this is omething that is very important for you and that adds to realism of the piece.
Im sorry for the lengthy feedback it just that there is so much here I feel I need to comment on.This is actually only a portion of what I wanted to say but...I shall move on from here.

Thanks for sharing this with us Sweetie. .
I can't wait for the next update.
Rosemary

[MsKittyB]

JuJu. Here comes my ranting lol hope your ready….

But Willow was a big girl. She was mature and responsible. She was able to take care of herself easily. God knew she was a better housekeeper than herself!

Is she f**king serious?! What a…. No I’m not gonna say it…

She thought that letting Willow believe that her shield had protected her as planned would be good for her. She didn't know for sure but she guessed. Plus what was she going to say? And what about Harry? But her mood was kind of spoiled for sure.

My god, what the hell is wrong with this woman?! I wasn’t going to say it, but here it comes … What a bitch!! What kind irresponsible mother would ever do that to a child?! This is just so low and wrong on sooo many levels! Why can’t she die instead of Rebecca?! *breaths* I know, I know, nessecary for the plot, but still… She has just scared her daughter for life!

Willow is going to have so much animosity for Shelia when she gets older. I honestly don’t blame her either. Shelia needs to wake up and see that her daughter is growing and wont be a little girl forever, she should make amends before it’s to late.

[qoute] Making a silent wish for her daughter to see again some day the redhead [/quote]
Me too.

Rebecca turned all the lights off and cuddled against her daughter in her bed, enjoying one of her last moments with her princess

*grabs more tissue* Nooooooo... JuJu! Not yet… *sniffs, and grabs a tissue* I know, I know it's part of the plot. But the way you write this woman is so beautiful, it's really hard to let her go. I’m so worried about Tara, losing such a caring mother, ow is she going to deal with this? I need another tissue! *Looks at box of tissues* Damn, I need another box!

This story is still pure freaking brilliant! I cant wait for the update. Although I have a feeling to expect the unexpected. Or expect the expected that I know to expect but don’t want to expect… And, I have just confused the hell out of myself so I’m going to stop now. Cant wait for the update.

[nothingtosay]

innocence shattered.
woah..at least sheila missed will. thats good

enough of the solo angst, can they both suffer at the same time already? cause they'd get to comfort each other..
and i guess i dont really read well enough cause i just noticed that Will's older than Tara here....

Will Xander be here to make Willow feel better?

Great update, here me hoping for more.

[JujuDeRoussie]

Hello Kittens, here are some replies to your feedbacks
You can't imagine how much I love feedbacks! LOL. It is addictive and I have become a feedback whore I fear!

Anyway, here are your individual replies.


woahnellie: Hello
Yes, Willow's childhood is very short and she has to enter the adults' world so fast. She is her own mother sometimes. Too much often.
And yeah, Willow unfortunately wasn't asleep...Well she was, but then she was awaken.

Can I have a tissue please?

Sure Boonie, here's the box.
Thanks for reading *hugs

PolarBear: Hello Fellow European
I am glad to have another reader. I'm an addict. ^^
Thanks for feedbacking

hondos: Hello Sweetie

Well Sheila is just fucking clueless I see.

Yeah.. It helps her to feel better. She doesn't have this mother instinct thing I think.

I bet this is a wife or a girlfriend really.I bet Shelia knows this also .She'll never admit or she may feel the need to stop having all this fun

How much do you bet?

AARRRGGGG....I really dislike this woman.

Is that why you killed her? Did you think it would kill this one too? Snif.
Dear Rosemary, do never worry about the length of the feedback. I love them all. The longer the better but oh well, just a "good update" is enjoyable
You'll have to wait for Sunday.
Thanks.

MsKittyB: Hi

JuJu. Here comes my ranting lol hope your ready….

Let me sit.. Ok, Ready!
Yeah... Sheila here equals "female dog".

see that her daughter is growing and wont be a little girl forever

Well, Sheila doesn't see Willow as a little girl anymore. Which is sad.
Another box? I'll have to buy some more. But don't worry, you'll have anything by Sunday!

Although I have a feeling to expect the unexpected. Or expect the expected that I know to expect but don’t want to expect…

Huh... Yeah? If you say so? Perhaps? I think...
Thanks

nothingtosay:Yeah, Innocence and Childhood shattered. Hopefully the end will make up for this. A bit at least.
Thanks for reading.

UPDATE SUNDAY NIGHT (Well, night in France, after 10:30 for sure, hopefully before midnight. All of this GTM +1)

Thanks for the silent readers to read.

Julia

[Dax]

You know Julia,
this story is really starting to turn really sad – but then you did worn us, so I’m do not complain ether.

So Tara’s about to lose her mother to a terrible illness and Willow, or so it seams to me, already lost her mother to “Sex, Drugs & (possibly) Rock and Roll.

And while Rebecca’s understandably upset and troubled because she won’t have very much time left to spent with her daughter;

Rebecca turned all the lights off and cuddled against her daughter in her bed, enjoying one of her last moments with her princess.

Sheila on the other hand sees her daughter as the "adult" she's forced to be because her mother is not.
But Willow isn’t “a big girl” – she’s ten years old, no child should have so much responsibility’s already and hardly ever see her mother at all in days.

But Willow was a big girl. She was mature and responsible. She was able to take care of herself easily. God knew she was a better housekeeper than herself! Indeed, she had not needed to clean the floor, clean the dishes, cook, or even do the laundry in months.

and the same obviously goes for her assumption, that Willow would know and understand about “such noises”.

It was silly to be worried about Willow. She was a big girl, surely knew about this stuff, and plus she would be in bed at this hour.

You know Julia, it would be wrong to confuse your story with mine, but right now I’m glad I’ve dropped a nuclear war head upon Sheila on Caprica.

Dax

[Taralover]

Poor Willow and Tara.

[JujuDeRoussie]

Hello Dear Kittens,

Some replies and then tonight's chapter.

Dax: Hello my dear little Bread

this story is really starting to turn really sad

It is just the beginning my dear...

So Tara’s about to lose her mother to a terrible illness and Willow, or so it seams to me, already lost her mother to “Sex, Drugs & (possibly) Rock and Roll.

This sums it up very well

You know Julia, it would be wrong to confuse your story with mine, but right now I’m glad I’ve dropped a nuclear war head upon Sheila on Caprica.

BAD LITTLE BREAD! LOL! Grrrr you did this spoiler on purpose I know it!
Thanks my dear Bernd for reading, but really, it is going to get darker and angstier so if this is hard, don't force yourself, I would understand. :hugs
Thank you again.

Taralover: Yes, definitely. Thanks


Now it's show time... Well... Update time.



Title: Broken Dolls
Author: Juju DeRoussie
Rating: NC 17 over all. Not for good things at first I fear.
Disclaimers: I do not own any characters coming from the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I do not make money from this. I do however own all of the other characters.
Spoilers:None, this is totally uber.
Distribution: Please feel free to ask
Summary:This is the hard part for me. The lives of two pretty dolls, from childhood to the end of teenagehood and the beginning of adulthood. Life isn't always a gift. There are many demons. Not the metaphorical kind.
WARNING: This story will be about abuses. Mental as well as physical. If you are sensible, please do not read this. If you think you can't handle it I prefer for you to not read this. I am serious. I prefer for you to not read this than to read it and get upset. I know this subjects can be difficult, so dont ignore this warning! Thanks
Feedback: Please very much so. Anykind as long as it is said kindly. And please i you have any suggestion, tell me.
Thanks: To my princess who is a busy beta but I love it nonetheless, and thanks to these dear persons who encouraged me. And of course, thanks to June who told me to not be afraid of writing this.
NOTE: THIS FIC HAS BEEN SPONSORED BY KLEENEX! SO BE READY LOL. (of course not really 'cause I don't make anymoney!)
NOTE 2: Tonight's chapter is an upsetting one, heart breaking too. Be warned.

To my dear Vnoucka, Élo, and Her.

[center]Chapter III[/center]


[hr]

Willow waited until she was sure her mother was in her bedroom to get up and go to her own bedroom with her blanket, her alarm clock, Dolly Tara and a lot of tears. What had happened in the hall? What was all that about? And more importantly who was this man who dared to steal the little she already had of her mother? This Harry?

This was so weird. And scaring. She didn't understand really well why was that that her mother was with a man.

And it was also so unfair. She had waited hours for her mother. To at least be able to kiss her goodnight. All of this wasted.

"Maybe Mommy doesn't love me anymore Dolly. That would be why she spends so much time out, and why she brought someone home tonight." Whispered Willow to her doll. The young girl couldn't find other reasons. If her mother brought someone else in their home and didn't try to spend more time with her, then it must be because she didn't love her anymore.

Suddenly Willow felt very young. Like a baby girl once more, needing her mother's arms and comfort more than she could hope for now.

It is crying once more that Willow Rosenberg fell asleep this night. Feeling so much alone that even Dolly Tara didn't help.

***

Tara Maclay had always been smart. How many times did her teachers told so to her mother. She was a bright little girl, curious but not careless.

But strangely, her heart refused to understand what her brain had clearly understood that night. It refused this so much that her brain was cutting the information little by little. Only, it wasn't fast enough in Tara's Heart's likings. Especially right now.

To dream of your mother's funerals is not fun. To dream of it at age of 8 is even less. But to dreams of her death, a painful one, and then the funerals, and then her own death, all of this was too much for Tara's heart. She knew somehow that she was dreaming, but couldn't wake up.

She knew she was dreaming because there were way too many people to this funerals. There were even her father and his son.

Tara screamed. She wanted this nightmare to stop right now. It was too much. She couldn't take more.

Her mother's absence and the distant but clear sound of throwing up coming from the bathroom greeted her cold wake up.

Her little body started to shake with the pain of her dream, the shock, and the full realization that her mother was really sick. Not only very tired. But real sick. Maybe it was even bad. Real bad. But not deadly right? Please do not let it be her death.

Once again she found herself crying. She wanted to go and see if her Mamma was doing ok, or if she could help her. But she hesitated. A faint "shit" coming from the bathroom made her get up.

"Mamma?" whispered the young girl. No answer. Tara walked slowly toward the light of the bathroom. Very slowly, not quite ready to face whatever was happening in this bathroom. But she was still going forward, not backward, and so she arrived at the door of the bathroom. Just in time to hear the flush, and see her mother watching the water go.

"Mamma? You alright?" asked shyly little Tara.

She saw her mother straighten up suddenly, as if startled, and then turn slowly, holding a hand against her mouth. The blonde woman nodded and went straight to the sink where she turned the cold water on and drank a mouth full.

"Hey baby girl, what are you doing here? I thought you were asleep?" Asked Rebecca, looking like guilty of something Tara could not imagine.

"I had a nightmare and when I woke up I heard you being sick. You aren't going to die Mamma are you? You aren't like the little boy's mother from the story are you?" Almost begged the little girl, afraid of the answer.

She saw her mother throw herself on her knees to engulf her in a tight embrace. Her Mamma was crying. Her world was shattering. That could not be true. That just couldn't.

"You aren't! You can't!" Cried the young girl, upset and angry.

"You remember the story honey? You remember the whole story?" Asked Rebecca through her tears.

Tara nodded, unable to talk anymore.

"Then you remember what the mother say to her son? That she will always be in his heart? That's true for me too honey." Said her mother, crying even more, her body shaken by the sobs.

Through her mother's sobs, Tara could hear some cough coming too. Her mother backed off a little and started coughing pretty hard, her body spitting blood.

"Go in the bedroom honey, I'll be right there. K?"

Tara had never had been that scared of blood. She nodded but couldn't move. She was frozen on the spot. Unable to take her eyes away from her mother.

Mamma's dying. How's that possible? Is it my fault? Thought Tara.

Seeing her mother go on her knees in front of the sink once more, Tara managed to move her feet. She broke a run to her mother's bed and went directly to hide under the cover. She promised herself to sleep with her mother from now on. To enjoy as much time as possible with her. And to find a way to keep this horror from happening.

Tara wept and kept weeping the whole night, even when her mother came back to hold her and rock her gently.

***

Rebecca was panicking inside. Not only did she cause a lot of pain to her daughter, but she also was dying. Really dying. She'll have to quit her job the next day. She just hoped she wouldn't have to leave her daughter sooner. Only two weeks left from the doctor's calculations. It was way too little to spend with her daughter. What if she had to go to the hospital sooner and leave her daughter? She needed more time! She needed more. She needed to see her daughter enter in Middle School! She needed to be there for Tara when she would have her first period, and... and when she would start to notice that friendship wasn't the only good kind of relationship in this world. And for when she would start dating and when she would graduate! And what about for her first child? She was never going to see any of this. She wasn't even going to see this school year finish. She would not even see the next report. Even if she was still alive then, it would be sent in Tara's future "home".

"I love you darling, you're Mamma's light, my angel, never forget it please." Rebecca whispered in her weeping daughter's ear.

***

Sheila woke up the next morning earlier than usual. She needed to talk to Willow. To tell her to not stay up that late, to not sleep on the couch. She had a bedroom!

The previous night bothered Sheila. Her daughter could have heard her, worse, she could have seen her. Willow was a big girl now, she was smart, she would understand. But she was her daughter.

This morning, Sheila took a shower after having showed his way out to Harry. Once refreshed, she noticed she still had 10 minutes to go before Willow would wake up. So she went to the kitchen and decided to make some Pain Perdu. Willow insisted on using the French name of the French toasts, saying it was funnier, and made more sense. But Sheila never really listened when Willow told her what it meant. Not that she didn't care about what her daughter was talking. But she had her own trouble. Her own worries. And Willow was always rambling so much, it was hard to keep up.

Thinking about it, Sheila wondered when had been the last time she had listened to her daughter. Just enjoying the innocence of the little read head's discoveries. And when was it that she stopped being impressed and proud of the brightness of this young mind?

She couldn't remember. She had too much worries. But it was true that Joyce at work had always things to say about her daughters' days at school. Some funny events happening during the weekends. How proud of them she was. How happy she had been the first day of Middle School of her oldest daughter. What was her name already? Bunny? Weird name. Sheila couldn't say so much about her only child. She had worries. She couldn't be a model like Joyce. Sheila needed a life for herself too! If Joyce preferred to go home right after work, it was her problem. But Sheila needed her time at the pub. She needed this time with some coworkers and friends. And recently Harry.

But Joyce was a single mother, like herself. And yet it seemed things were better for Joyce. How was that? Maybe Joyce's ex-husband was not like Sheila's. Maybe he helped with the kids.

Why was she thinking about all of this? It wasn't like she should feel jealous or guilty of anything. She was not a bad mother. Her daughter' had a home, food, and she was decently clothed. She had access to a good education too. So why should she feel guilty?

Sheila put all of this feelings aside, in a little box deeply buried in her memory.

As she was readying the pan for the toasts, Willow entered the kitchen, a look of delight, surprise, fear. All at once. Sheila felt a pang in her belly. She ignored it.

"Mom? What are you doing up?" asked Willow, in a so little voice full of fear that Sheila had almost failed to hear her.

"Hello Willow. I wanted to talk to you before you went to school. I made you French toasts". Her tone flat.

Willow's face lost any traces of delight or joy. Sheila could only see sadness, disappointment, and still a lot of fear. Why Willow was afraid of her?

Seeing she had her daughter's attention, she put a plate of "Pain Perdu" in front of Willow, and talked.

"You have a bedroom, I don't want to find you ever again asleep on the couch with your alarm clock and everything. Why did you install yourself down there anyway?"

Willow was playing with her food absently, as if she was searching a good excuse. Sheila felt some anger build its way into her.

"Why?" Asked Willow with a broken voice.

"Because you have a bedroom! And I don't want my friend to feel uncomfortable because you're there!" Said in a very angry tone Sheila Rosenberg, not understanding why her daughter was being so selfish.

"Why did you bring him here?" Asked again Willow, still with a broken voice, and unshed tears.

"I do as I wish Willow, I bring who I want in my home. You have nothing to say about it. Now finish your breakfast and get ready for school!".

"Sorry to have just wanted to wait for my mother in the hope to at least being able to say goodnight to her! To see her before the weekend because it is clear that living together is not enough!" Said Willow, throwing her full plate into the trash, not caring about anything and running from the kitchen.

"Don't be such a baby" screamed Sheila after the retreating figure of Willow. Why doesn't she understand that life isn't easy and that I need time to breath? She is smart she should understand.

***

Into her bedroom Willow cried freely. She couldn't believe her mother had told her all of this things. So it was true. She didn't love her anymore. She didn't even see her as her daughter anymore.

Worse, she didn't notice she was still only 10.

Anger and pain was rushing through her. She was shacking, sobs racking her lithe body. But she didn't curl up in a ball like she wanted so much. Instead she readied herself to go to Hell School. She just hoped today nobody would tease her. She could not take one more little thing. She was beyond hurt.

When her mother had screamed after her she had answered "Sorry to be only 10" under her breath. She was now regretting to not have had the courage to shout it in her mother's face. To remind her she was supposed to be a mother. She was supposed to raise her.

Willow had never felt to angry at her mother. It wasn't natural. It wasn't sane. She should worship her mother, want to be like her. Think she was one of the coolest mother.

But Willow knew better. She had not such a mother. She had no mother for that matter. There was a woman who gave her birth, who brought money home, and who spent some of her weekends with her. Well physically with her.

What did I do? Why doesn't she love me? I've tried to be a good girl. I do my homework, I'm good at school. I'm great at school! I behave very well too. I cook and clean the flat. I rarely bother her. Why doesn't she want to spend time with me? Why does she want other people here, and for them to not see me? Is she ashamed of me? Why?

Willow exited the building, her heart heavy. Heavy yet empty. And cold.

Alone.

Her father was barely visiting 4 or 5 times a year, her grandmother passed away a year and a half ago. She was very close to her grandmother, and right now she missed her terribly. Her grandfather was mad at her mother, so they never saw him. He had never tried to see her since his wife's death. And her father's parents were dead long before she was born.

She had no one. She suddenly realized that if her mother didn't love her anymore, she was like an orphan. No one but herself.

She would take care of herself. She could do that. She would build herself a loving nest.

She had to.

***

Sheila couldn't believe how horrible she had been to her daughter. She knew she had been pretty absent from their home. She truly needed her time with her friends though. It was the only moment she felt alive.

But it was true. Her girl was not an adult yet. She needed her. She was 10. Not an age she could understand everything.

Sheila needed a drink. No matter it was not even 9.

She called her work to say she was sick. A day off couldn't hurt.

A little glass of Scotch either.

She made her way to her bathroom, and prepared herself a good hot bath. Relaxing.

A glass of Scotch in one hand, a cigarette in the other, Sheila enjoyed her bath.

Half an hour later, she was toweling herself when an idea occurred to her.

She called Harry and asked him if he could come to her flat.

A day off to enjoy Harry's talents. That was a good way to take off the guilt from her morning behavior, and to tell herself she needed her time alone, without her daughter. There was nothing wrong.

Somehow, she managed to believe it herself.

When Harry proposed her to go to his place to make another little movie, she accepted, put money on the table of the kitchen with a little word saying she wasn't going to come back this night. A little "Mommy who loves you" at the end to not feel guilty.

And she was gone.

***

Tara had spent her day on autopilot. She just wanted to go home to her Mamma.

School was horrible. It was the first time she thought that. Ever. But it was keeping her from her mother. And how can math, biology, grammar, how can all of these things be important? Would they help her to save her Mamma? Could they keep her mother from spitting blood like the prior night?

She still didn't know what would happen to her once her mother would go. Could she live without her Mamma? Maybe she would die too. That was logic. She couldn't imagine anything without her mother at her sides.

She had to find a way to save her Mamma. She would go tomorrow see her mother's doctor. She knew where it was, and knew his name. She saw it on envelops at home.

She wouldn't tell her Mamma of course. But she would go and ask him what he wanted from her to save her Mamma. She was ready to give up everything she had. Even her Teddy Willow. Because nothing was more precious than her mother. Not even Teddy Willow. And God knew how precious Teddy Willow was.

How much did she want to see Willow... She would make everything better. She was sure of it. Willow was strong, and smart, and funny. She remembered this. And Willow, she was sure, had no problem.

She would suggest to give up on Teddy Willow to the doctor. Surely a thing that important would make him change his mind? It was what she had the most precious after her Mamma, it had to count for something.

It had to. She needed it. Willow would understand and forgive her. She was sure of that. Plus a doctor could only take good care of Teddy Willow.

She knew she was kidding herself. She wasn't that naïve. She was smart. But she needed to believe in this.

***

Willow had spent her day being angry. She behaved in class though. Of course. It was class after all. But when the bitches came to tease her and mess with her, she stood up. It was the first time. She hoped the last time too because now they were truly mad at her.

She went in the library after her classes. A safe place. Nobody to mess with her. Only herself and books. Many books. And the librarian. A nice man. Since her arrival in Middle School, he had always been nice to her. Curious but respectful. Truly impressed by her. He was proud to have a good student in his library. Generally the students coming there were there to do their homework. And they usually did it has a so unwanted chore. Willow was always happy to learn. She had read quite a lot already and seemed always even more curious to understand. She was clearly a fast learner. And a good one.

So he liked her and was nice to her. When there were no more students he would propose her some cookies. Well, only if she wasn't reading. Because food and books wasn't allowed to be together. It was a crime.

Anyway, today there was no other place Willow wanted to be. Well, that was almost true. There was a place she had not forgotten. But it was silly. It was a long time ago. And she wasn't a little kid anymore. Even though it would be nice sometimes. It was even sillier if you think that she had spent only one day there. But her castle she and Tara had made was the safest and happiest place she had ever been in. She hadn't known well Tara's mother, but she was sure she was a better mother than her own. Maybe was it because Tara was a better daughter? Must be it.

Eventually she had to go back to her home. What with the library closing and everything.

She was sure her mother wouldn't be home. So no need to run. Her mother didn't call her anymore to check in. Nope. No more worries about Willow not making it safely back home.

Willow thought she should have known by then. If her mother wasn't worried anymore it was because she didn't love her anymore. Well now she had no more doubts. Her mother had proved it this awful morning.

Entering her home, Willow was assaulted by two things: silence and a strange odor. Like sweat and... something else.

She made her way further into the flat, turning on the lights. She opened a window and then checked what could be the smell. The only thing she found was the crumpled couch, which had some strange substance on it. She would have to clean it. Not tonight though. She was just going to have a snack and then, to bed. She was exhausted. The upset night the day prior, and her horrible day was having a tiring effect. Who knew to be so hurt and angry was so tiring? Exhausting even? Not her. But now she knew.

Taking things from the fridge she put then on the table. While doing so she noticed a note.

Well now her mother had sleepovers. Without a doubt with this Harry.

She noticed the signature and tore the note.

This was a lie, she knew it. If she loved her then why didn't she care about her? She'd rather be not loved anymore than to be loved and ignored.

Once again angry, Willow put away her food back in the fridge, having no more appetite. How bad a daughter could she be?

She went in her bedroom. Her universe. When was the last time her mother came into her bedroom for more than 30 seconds?

She laid on her stomach, crying and screaming in frustration. She felt so mad, but couldn't find a way to express all her rage. She wanted to scream, to tear apart every single things tearable, to break everything breakable. To break the window. To make a mess of the flat in which she was alone to live. It was truly only a hotel for her mother. She was sure of it. Her so called Mommy, who was currently avoiding her.

Willow screamed one last time, and then fell silent. The flat was totally silent except for the fridge's humming, yet her ears were ringing, her breath was ragged and as loud as a storm. At least in her own ears. She felt suddenly very calm. Maybe too calm. She needed to think. To make things better for herself.

She needed a plan.

She needed to be a 10 years old girl.

She needed a confident. A human one, not Dolly Tara. One being able to advice her. She loved dearly Dolly Tara. But it wasn't the same.

She needed to protect Dolly Tara. Tara. To keep her from the Adults' World. From the weight of responsibilities. She needed to protect her. As much as if the doll was truly Tara. Her memory of her anyway. She remembered Tara's bright blue eyes. Full of innocence. She was like this once. She was sure she still held some. But she was too angry. She had to be her own mother. She couldn't believe in a world full of hugs and puppies anymore. Dolly Tara could. She would make sure she still would.

So Willow Rosenberg, 10 years old, sat at her desk and thought. Planned.

***

In another town, Tara Maclay, 8 years old, sat at the kitchen table eating with her mother. And thinking. Trying to find a way to save her mother. Ready to give up on anything..

***

In the same room, Rebecca Maclay, 31 years old, eating with her thoughtful daughter, sat, enjoying just to be with her daughter.

***

Back in the first town, Sheila Rosenberg, 34 year old, was bounded to a bed, a video camera filming her while her friend Harry was fucking her. The feeling of guilt somewhere in the back of her mind. Mind clouded by pleasure. Enjoying this feeling of being desirable. A woman.

[hr]

Not betaed, please forgive if my English gets off.
Thanks for reading.
Julia

[jay/wt4evr]

Hi Julia
Sorry for not leaving feedback to the last update
Your story really shocks me
You have a way to sdescribe such different emotions and situations..
keep it up, great job
=)

{oh, please, make Willow go to Tara's so they'll live together happly ever after and Sheila can go to hell or whatever}

[Zampsa1975]

Great update-y goodness Julia! Sheila is really really really bad mom... I hope Willow could move in with Buffy & Joyce... I really hope that Tara could find a nice and caring home after her mother dies... both of them really deserve a loving home...

[hondos]

Hello There Juju,

Well I don't know where to start here...I don't...
Here we go...

Willow had never felt to angry at her mother. It wasn't
natural. It wasn't sane. She should worship her mother, want
to be like her. Think she was one of the coolest mother.

Shelia is just unreal and so fucking selfish and self centered that I want to just ring her fuckin' drunk ass neck. What the hell is wrong with this woman? I mean here she is, making Willow breakfast, only out of guilt, yet turns it around and just does ten thousand times more damage then she had done before.
It's a sda but true thing.Kids that young? There is almost no limit to the level of forgiveness they are capable of and it would seem Sheila has managed to push the limits of even this.

Maybe Joyce's
ex-husband was not like Sheila's. Maybe he helped with the
kids.

Yep.Thats it Shelia ..It's cause the husband helps!! (I have now mentally bitch slaped this woman so many times in this update that my hand is full of OWIE!!!)

How proud of them she was. How happy she had )
been the first day of Middle School of her oldest daughter.
What was her name already? Bunny?

I like the little Buffy quotes and references you tossed in there to like the Bunny..Made Rosemary laugh out loud. .Yes.Rosemary laughed. THE ONLY TIME ROSEMARY LAUGHED THROUGH THIS CRUISE ON THE RIVER UNSETTLING. ...by the way.

And more importantly who
was this man who dared to steal the little she already had of
her mother? This Harry?

This Harry what..I forgot to say last time that I thought it was funny the bartender was Dick and he is Harry so we had Harry Dick...I am now remembering why I didn't mention that last time cause YUCK!!

And it was also so unfair. She had waited hours for her
mother. To at least be able to kiss her goodnight. All of this
wasted.

HAND OWIE

Maybe Mommy doesn't love me anymore Dolly. That would be why
she spends so much time out, and why she brought someone home
tonight."

OWIE OWIE HAND OWIE

Suddenly Willow felt very young. Like a baby girl once more,
needing her mother's arms and comfort more than she could hope

And that is really what she is yes??

It is crying once more that Willow Rosenberg fell asleep this
night. Feeling so much alone that even Dolly Tara didn't help.

Yep.She must go and find the real thing and I am praying that she does.. .
I hate that the kids are messing with Willow at school too
.
Im grateful for Giles though.There is a bit of happy in this story there.

To dream of your mother's funerals is not fun. To dream of it
at age of 8 is even less.
. There were even her father and his
son.

Intresting.Doesnt think of him as her brother?? His fathers son.I know you said they are both of the same parents so this is stricking to me..

But not deadly right? Please do not let it be
her death.

Poor Tara This sucksso bad.It does.I dont know how this is going to come out but Ihave very bad feelings here about this whole thing.

"Hey baby girl, what are you doing here? I thought you were
asleep?" Asked Rebecca, looking like guilty of something Tara
could not imagine.
Why was she thinking about all of this? It wasn't like she
should feel jealous or guilty of anything. She was not a bad
mother. Her daughter' had a home, food, and she was decently
clothed. She had access to a good education too. So why should
she feel guilty?

One is guilty for something she can control and one is for something she cannot...
Another good contrast here.There is a lot in here .I think I need to stop now.This is way to much feedback LOL
Sorry

Mamma's dying. How's that possible? Is it my fault? Thought
Tara.

What did I do? Why doesn't she love me?

I also noticed that they both blame themselves for their moms situations...

She needed more time! She
needed more. She needed to see her daughter enter in Middle
School! She needed to be there for Tara And what about for her first child? She was
never going to see any of this. She wasn't even going to see
this school year finish. She would not even see the next
report.
Sheila woke up the next morning earlier than usual. She needed
to talk to Willow. To tell her to not stay up that late, to
not sleep on the couch. She had a bedroom!

This is an awesome comparison here.The different reasons the two mothers want to spend time with the daughters...

Willow insisted
on using the French name of the French toasts, saying it was
funnier, and made more sense. But Sheila never really listened
when Willow told her what it meant. Not that she didn't care
about what her daughter was talking. But she had her own
trouble. Her own worries.

Hand owie.. .

Sheila put all of this feelings aside, in a little box deeply
buried in her memory.

I have a better place to deeply burry this box in Shelias wortless anatomy..If theres room for it what with Harry and the movies and all...

"Don't be such a baby" screamed Sheila after the retreating
figure of Willow. Why doesn't she understand that life isn't
easy and that I need time to breath? She is smart she should
understand.

OOOOWWWWIIIIEEE!!!!:punch

Worse, she didn't notice she was still only 10.

I agree

Mommy who loves you" at the end to
not feel guilty.

The whole scene in the bathroom was very difficult.I can image that must be something that is just horrible.It was writen very well.Your discription , very clear and very vivid.It is hard I think to write scenes like that I would imagine.I think your work here even without your beta copy is just fabulous.This is a very emotional story and has been from go so Im sure it must get you upset at times when you write it.I know I on occasion get upset by the things I write but I dont right anything on the emotional level like this is at.It's very impressive for sure.

She had to find a way to save her Mamma. She would go tomorrow
see her mother's doctor.
She was
ready to give up everything she had. Even her Teddy Willow.
Because nothing was more precious than her mother. Not even
Teddy Willow. And God knew how precious Teddy Willow was.

Juju...Are you doing this on purpose?? Well yes.We were warned I guess but damn..This is so sad..I have that bad feeling again..I do... Shes going toi end up somewhere bad isn't she? Not a good home??Someone bad will be in charge of poor Tara? Yes?
This is so embarrasing..To much feedback??It is.Im sorry..

Back in the first town, Sheila Rosenberg, 34 year old, was
bounded to a bed, a video camera filming her while her friend
Harry was fucking her. The feeling of guilt somewhere in the
back of her mind. Mind clouded by pleasure. Enjoying this
feeling of being desirable. A woman.

YUCKIE!! YUCKIE!! Is she tied to the head board cause....GGRROOWWLL...
Well I must stop now.But I have one more..I want to know what Willows plan is.Its really got me worried..It does..Should I be??No?

Thanks for sharing Sweetie wonderful work..
Rosemary

[Dax]

Juju,
Great story and a great though sad new chapter.

I’m surly interested in learning about Willow’s plan, though I’m not sure that what ever she’s planning might have much chance of success, given that after all she still IS a 10 year old girl.

As for Tara I’m some what afraid what future might have in store for her, after her mother has died, though I won’t go in to it here.

As for all the other thoughts and feelings going on in me, "hondos" pretty much said it all. (Now that was feedback!!)
Keep up the good work.
Dax

[PolarBear]

Great update again Juju. This story is getting really depressing, but the sadder the story the happier the ending I guess

I liked the way you brought Joyce and Buffy in the story. I wonder if they will play an important role in the future.

[nothingtosay]

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

and how did she exactly stand up to cordy?.........
i hope she gets a friend soon

[MsKittyB]

*blows nose, and wipes eyes* Hi JuJu,

Damn, the way your describing Rebecca and everthing she's going threw is so.. heart-breaking. It's all happening so fast .

What can say abut Shelia *pause* Well the things I want to happen to her will probably make you thnk I'm insane and ban me from ever leaving feedback again (yep, that's how gruesome it is), SO I'm going to just shake my head and give mean looks to her character. HOPING that something or someone kicks the shit out of her!

Poor Tara, there's really nothing she can do. It's really heartbreaking that she has to know, and except the fact that her mother is dying. Which is a really hard thing for a child to come to terms with. Willow on the other hand... She's not going to run away is she? Although who can blame her! Hopefully "Bunny" and Joyce can come to the rescue and help her.

Amazing yet heart-wreching update JuJu! Cant wait for the next

[LittleBit]

I like the concept for the story. It's interesting to see how easily the attitudes and actions of adults (i.e. parents) can affect such fragile and innocent minds as those of kids. Please keep the updates coming!

[Guest]

Highly angsty and too much psychological pushing – it makes my heart ache for our little Will and Tare. I think, with this story, you've scored a lifetime sponsorship from Kleenex Ju ^^. But the more you diminish these two mothers in our eyes, the more the value of their two girls increases and you can have a large round of applause for that one . Plus, there's much relief to be found in the vacuum you've created thanks to the two dolls...so double hooraying.

[woahnellie]

Hey Juju. I promised you some feedback to wake up to. So here's some feedback, you feedback whore. Definately a tearjerker update.

I just wish that Willow would run away and try to find a better place for her.
I'm sure Sheila loves her daughter deep down but right now I don't think she's fit to take care of her. She's more worried about drinking and her Harry.

Can I have a tissue please?? I think our Tara has finally realized what is going to happen. Why do bad things always happen to good people?

I loved how you ended this update. Going back and forth between such two innocent fragile little girls. Who probably have such different lives right now but are made for each other.

I can't wait for the next update. I hope the writer's block goes away soon. I'm not impatient or anything I promise. Keep up the good work Ju.

[MsKittyB]

Whoa this story is on page two?! Well, we cant have that can we... Back to page one you go... no pressure JuJu, promise. I'm just doing it.

[JujuDeRoussie]

Dear, wonderful readers,
First of all, let me tell you I am sorry I am so long to write. I am kind of blocked. Which is very frustrating because I have the whole plot there on paper, and all I have to do it to dress it with words here on the computer. But words fail me lately, not only for this story. Even in my own feedbacks I have more and more trouble to express myself.
However, I am almost done with a chapter here. A bit shorter, maybe less good. It should be here by tomorrow.
But for now, here are some replies to your wonderful feedbacks who are a real pleasure. I love to make y'all cry!
More seriously, because I can be serious, I will once again tomorrow post the non betaed work. My beta is very busy.. Or is not in the mood to beta, so the two priors aren't yet done, so if I wait for it to be betaed, you will be mad at me I think. I hope you will not mind if I let slip some grammatical errors, or if my spelling sometimes fails me. (I personnaly think that to write the way I do in english when two years ago I was of a level "beginner"...(even though I had learnt it for 6 years in middle school and high school... ) Well I think it is already nice and I can only get better so please be patient. )
And of course never hesitate to tell me where I'm wrong.

Anyway, here are my replies to your feedbacks.

Jay: Hi Lil' Jay

Sorry for not leaving feedback to the last update

*thinks while scratching her chin*... Forgiven! How generous I am! Lol. I have been myself very slow on feedbacks lately so...

Your story really shocks me

You know Sweetie, don't take it the wrong way, but the rating is very serious... and it is not about naughtiness. It'll get full of worse stuff and it'll be very upsetting. As much as I love to have readers, this fic IS NOT easy to read. It is upsetting, angsty, sad. My warnings must seem overrated, but they aren't. If you decide to keep reading though, then be ready to get upset, and don't blame me.

oh, please, make Willow go to Tara's so they'll live together happly ever after and Sheila can go to hell or whatever

Huh, sure... Yes sure. I will... not.
Thanks for your feedback.

Zampsa1975: Hello Sami.
Thanks. I am sorry but Buffy is not a character here. We hear a bit about her through Great Mom Joyce, but that's all.
Thanks for feedbacking.

Hondos: Hello Ok here we go!
It seems Sheila won't win the award of the best mother here... How weird!
Yes, kids are wonderful and full of forgiveness.

I have now mentally bitch slaped this woman so many times in this update that my hand is full of OWIE!!

Outch.. Poor Rosemary. You should put Ice on it. Next time think about having a ice bucket near you.

Yes.Rosemary laughed. THE ONLY TIME ROSEMARY LAUGHED THROUGH THIS CRUISE ON THE RIVER UNSETTLING.

Yay me?

Harry Dick

Silly you.

And that is really what she is yes??

Yes Willow is a baby girl. Well she is 10 years old, very smart, responsible and aware of the Real world, but she still is a dreamer. She has still some innocence in her, she is a kid who wants to be hold by her mom. She's cute. No thanks to Sheila.

There is a bit of happy in this story there.

Why yes! I'm not a monster! Lol. And thank to all the badness, those little happy things are very wonderful and precious and shall be very appreciated. Little things...

Intresting.Doesnt think of him as her brother?? His fathers son.I know you said they are both of the same parents so this is stricking to me..

Huh, I have to be careful to not say too much, but you'll learn more later in the story anywa.
So Tara was 3 when her father went away taking his son with him. Son who was 2 months old, and so only a infant. Father who treated her like she was a stranger, and yet was so loving with this infant. Mr Maclay didn't let Rebecca breast feed the baby, donnie was his son, not hers. I'm not sure I'm making sense, but you'll understand later I hope.

This is way to much feedback

Is that possible?

I also noticed that they both blame themselves for their moms situations...

Many kids tend to do that. When a situation seems like a punishment for them,. It's sad, but it is understandable.

have a better place to deeply burry this box in Shelias wortless anatomy..If theres room for it what with Harry and the movies and all...

That made me laugh so much! I fear there is no room though. All stuffed. LOL

Juju...Are you doing this on purpose?? Well yes.We were warned I guess but damn..This is so sad..I have that bad feeling again..I do... Shes going toi end up somewhere bad isn't she?

who knows what Life has in stock for sweet and innocent Tara. I have no idea at all. Maybe she'll end up in a loving family wher ethe father is a librarian and the mother a computer teacher, maybe not... Maybe she will not find a family. Maybe the doctor will adopt her. Maybe her mom will survive and take her back. I have no idea at all. You should ask the author, not me.
[center]"My lips are sealed, I take the fifth, Nothing to see, Move it along, I'll never tell!"[/center]
Thanks so much for this wonderful feedback, it is so wonderful.


Dax:Hello my dear so not good handwritter (AKA my favorite German).

I’m surly interested in learning about Willow’s plan, though I’m not sure that what ever she’s planning might have much chance of success, given that after all she still IS a 10 year old girl.

That is what is nice. She is 10 year old and she KNOWS it. So she knows that it has to be a long term plan.
Thank you very much dear little bread.
*hugs

PolarBear:Hello.
Thank you.

This story is getting really depressing, but the sadder the story the happier the ending I guess

Well I hope so. Otherwise I'll have an army of angry kittens after me.
But no Buffy though. Must have been a mistake to put her name here because everybody is waiting for her to save the world.
Thanks again for the feedback.

nothingtosay: Hello .
Here, take a tissue.

and how did she exactly stand up to cordy?...

I guess the best is to ask her?
I think she just didn't lower her eyes and must have say some words of more than two syllables.
Thank you.

MsKittyB:Hello First thank you to not let the thread go on page 2, I was going to answer (actually I should have done it yesterday), but it is still apprciated.
*gives MsKittyB more tissues* So not sexy though...
I'm sorry to make you cry... Really... I will do it again though.
Yes Rebecca's situation is heart breaking.

What can say abut Shelia *pause* Well the things I want to happen to her will probably make you thnk I'm insane and ban me from ever leaving feedback again (yep, that's how gruesome it is)

You haven't read my own feedbacks to Rose's fic? If you had you would have read all the things I want to susan bitch. I think you can't hardly scare me. LOL
Everybody is now waiting for Bunny to save the world.But she is not the heroe here.
Thank you for feedbacking.

LittleBit:Thank you very much.
Parents are who model us. Conscously or not.

Nimloth:Hello
Thank you. I hope it won't go too far. Too much angsty is not good huh?
Hopefully I'll manage to somehow balance it all.
Thanks again.

woahnellie: Hi Boonie
Thanks for the wake up feedback.
You can have all the tissues you want. Here's the pretty Ratatouille box.

Why do bad things always happen to good people?

To transform them in psycho bitches? No?

I can't wait for the next update. I hope the writer's block goes away soon. I'm not impatient or anything I promise. Keep up the good work Ju

Thank you boonie. I may have soon a less good ans hsorter chapter, but still a correct chapter, coming soon.

Thanks again for reading. Next chapter about tomorrow night. Maybe sooner. Maybe Later. Yet soon.
Thanks for your patience and for reading.

[MsKittyB]

Yea!! Update tommrow!! *grabs tissue from JuJu* I'm so happy! *sniffs and straightens up* I mean... that's cool. It's not my fault I cant help but tear up I read your updates. Hey, I have an idea I wont shed tears on you next update.

You haven't read my own feedbacks to Rose's fic?

Point taken. Dexter, Hannibal, e.t.c. Oh and my personal favorite, eating dirty man socks *shudders* That's just horrible!!
No problem for moving it back to the first page. It's were it belongs. Still can't wait for your next update Julia.
JáSenda

[JujuDeRoussie]

Hello, Ok this is way sooner than I thought, it may be not good. I think it is correct though. It is not betaed, I have tried to check for grammar and spelling but after some times spent on it, it is possible that come have gone through.

Here we go dear Kitten





Title: Broken Dolls
Author: Juju DeRoussie
Rating: NC 17 over all. Not for good things at first I fear.
Disclaimers: I do not own any characters coming from the TV show Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I do not make money from this. I do however own all of the other characters.
Spoilers:None, this is totally uber.
Distribution: Please feel free to ask
Summary:This is the hard part for me. The lives of two pretty dolls, from childhood to the end of teenagehood and the beginning of adulthood. Life isn't always a gift. There are many demons. Not the metaphorical kind.
WARNING: This story will be about abuses. Mental as well as physical. If you are sensible, please do not read this. If you think you can't handle it I prefer for you to not read this. I am serious. I prefer for you to not read this than to read it and get upset. I know this subjects can be difficult, so dont ignore this warning! Thanks
Feedback: Please very much so. Anykind as long as it is said kindly. And please i you have any suggestion, tell me.
Thanks: To my princess who is a busy beta but I love it nonetheless, and thanks to these dear persons who encouraged me. And of course, thanks to June who told me to not be afraid of writing this.

To my dear Vnoucka, Élo, and Her.

[center]Chapter IV[/center]


[hr]

Tara Maclay entered the hospital service where her mother had her appointments with a bag that seemed heavy for her little frame. She made her way to the front desk, her head barely visible.

"Good morning, I'd like to talk to the Doctor Pulos please," Asked little Tara, for once not intimidated at all. She was on a very important mission. She could only be brave.

The surprised secretary looked up hearing the voice, and then down at the serious like young blonde haired girl.

"Hello little Lady, may I help you?" She asked.

"Yes please, I would like to talk to the Doctor Pulos, it's is very important." Answered the little blonde head, still very seriously.

"Doctor Pulos? There is no Doctor Pulos here Sweetie, are you sure of the name? Do you have an appointment? Where is your mommy?"

"Huh, the name is on this paper, no I have no appointments, but I need to talk to him, it's about my Mamma! It is very very very important. That important!" Said Tara, making a wide gesture with her hands to show how big it was.

"Oh I see, it's the Doctor Rastapopulos." Then checking again the paper, she noticed the name. "Is Rebecca Maclay your mother Sweetie?"

The little blonde nodded.

"Ok, I will call the Doctor right now, did something happened to your Mamma? What is so important? Tell me." Said the secretary. She was a bit worried. She knew that Rebecca Maclay was a patient seriously ill, how seriously she didn't know, she never dared to ask the young woman. But she knew it was serious enough for Rebecca to have gotten upset about two weeks ago. For her young daughter to come here, alone, something must have happened.

She made her call and looked at the young girl, seeing how much she looked like her mother.

Suddenly, Tara felt intimidated. She didn't know what to say to this perfect stranger.

"I just want to talk to the Doctor please." She said, as tears started to come to her eyes. She was really intimidated and still very sad.

The secretary smiled to her and nodded. It was understandable. She just hoped Rebecca was fine.

***

Rebecca Maclay was worried. Just as her now ex-boss was hugging her good bye, Tara's school called the office to ask if Tara was ok and why wasn't she in class.

Where was her Tara?

She knew she should have walked her to School this very morning. It wasn't usual for Tara to want to go alone. It was actually the first time. Tara had said she wanted her Mamma to rest so they'll enjoy more their time together later.

She should have known something was wrong.

She was now in a panic mode. She needed to breathe. She needed to think.

Another call came in the office for her. Her doctor's secretary this time.

"What? Why is she there? Is she ok?" Asked a panicked Rebecca when the secretary told her Tara came to see the doctor and was with him right at this moment, just to talk to him.

Rebecca let out a sigh of relief. At least her daughter wasn't hurt, or kidnapped or another hundred of things she had imagined in this short moment of panic.

Tara must have had questions she was afraid to ask me. Oh my poor baby girl, what do I put you through? You're too young for all of this.

After promising to come back to say a proper goodbye to everyone and to pack her things, Rebecca made her way out, and to the hospital.

***

Willow this morning, was feeling strange. Out of place. She was very tired, exhausted even. It must be the cause of this emptiness.

She had spent her night writing letters, making plans, and reading. But she needed to do more research. And she needed help. She still hadn't come out with a plan to ask Giles, the librarian, this help without having him knowing it was a plan for herself. He would try to dissuade her. Or worse, to talk to her.. mother.

Sheila. Not my mother. And definitely never again Mommy. I may still have a mother, but not a Mommy. Thought Willow, her heart broken by the thought, yet unable to deny it.

Friday. It was Friday. Which means that either she'll see her mother during the weekend, either she'll be alone. And without anything to do. Well she had the couch to clean, her laundry to do, the groceries too. She had things to do. But things a 10 years usually do? Nope. Nothing.

Maybe Jesse would come to visit his grand mother. He was a boy of her age, and his grand mother lived in her building. When he came to spend the weekend with his grandma, he spent time with her as well. His grandma was always happy to see Willow. But she never dared to go to see her when Jesse wasn't there.

She hoped he was going to be there, because she really didn't feel like spending the weekend with her mother. Or alone.

Friday were also light in classes. Which meant more time in the library. Good for her research.

But she felt really exhausted.

***

"Oh Sheila! Good morning! How do you feel today? Better than yesterday I hope?" Asked a middle aged man to Sheila Rosenberg when she entered the Office.

"Oh yes thanks you Robert. I think I just needed some rest. All better now." She answered.

"Oh Sheila, hello. How are you feeling today?" Asked this time a blonde woman in her mid thirties.

"Oh Joyce, I'm fine thanks. How are you? And the girls?"

"Everybody is fine, thank you. And how is your daughter? Is Middle School doing ok? It is not always easy to be younger than the other kids." Said smiling Joyce Summers.
Sheila smiled kindly, but felt guilty. And yet at the same time, proud.

"She's doing fine. She loves so much School. She made friends very easily."

Or did she? She didn't even know if her daughter had friends, if she liked Middle School. Surely she must liked Middle School. She was so excited last summer by the prospect of starting Middle School. But Joyce was right, it was hard at this age to be younger. A year of difference was more difficult to bear than at her own age.

Well she would ask her during the weekend. She had turned down Harry to spend time with Willow.

They would go to the movies together, and do some shopping for Willow. Oh and they would go to the restaurant. She would have a great weekend with her daughter to make it up for the last few months.

But for now she needed to get started on her work.

***

"But Doctor, Teddy Willow is what I have the most precious after Mamma. I have nothing else I can give you to save Mamma. Please?" Said Tara crying. She wouldn't listen to what the Doctor was saying. She knew she was being childlike. She knew All of this. But she wouldn't give up. She needed to believe there was something possible.

"Tara, there is nothing I would love more than to be able to save your Mamma, unfortunately I can't. All I can do is to try to make her good enough to spend time with you until..."

"NO! She can't die! She will never die! What would I become? I need her! A Mamma can't die!" cried the blonde girl, getting up and getting out of the Doctor's office. Her Teddy Willow clutched tightly against her chest.

While she was talking with the Dr Rastapopulos, Rebecca had arrived.

Seeing her mother, Tara run to her arms and cried even more, the sobs shaking her body. She couldn't talk. She had no hope.

"Don't leave me Mamma! Please? I love you Mamma, don't leave me please."
Her mother tightened her embrace and rocked her gently. Soothing words whispered in her ear.

***

Rupert Giles was happy to be on Friday. Weekend was on its way, and he and his fiancée would go to a Natural Park. Almost ten years since he's come to live in California, and he hadn't yet went to visit the beautiful natural area the state offered.

However he was worried. He had seen Willow this morning and she was totally out. She was like a zombie. She didn't smile back at him, and the dark lines under her so young eyes were worrisome.

He knew she would be back around 3:15pm as usual, so he made a mental note to offer her some Apple Juice or Orange Juice and some cookies... And an ear to talk to. He knew how it was to be younger than his comrades, and he guessed that young Willow mustn't have the best family either.

She never said anything, but he knew her parents were divorced and that she barely saw him anymore. And now, he has checked, as its work implies he would do, what Willow has read, or at least used during her time. It was a heavy book of Laws. Why a Middle School had a law book in its library, he had no idea. But it seemed Willow needed it. What worried him more was that it was a law book concerning Parental duty, Parental authority, and things like this.

He hoped her home was fine though, not a child in the world deserved bad parents.

He knew something about bad parents...

***

Rebecca and Tara exited the hospital hand in hand, a heavy silence hanging around.

Tara suddenly broke the silence, but barely, so tiny her voice was.

"He didn't want my Teddy Willow..."

Silence one again gained them as Rebecca was struck by the statement. Teddy Willow wasn't just a cuddle toy. It was Tara's promise. It was the promise to find each other some day. To not forget. Tara couldn't sleep without it. She had a hard time to let it behind to go to school. Much like she had trouble with her doll. But she was 5 then, now she was 8. It just was very important to her. It was sort of her best friend.

And the way she had stated that Dr Rastapopulos didn't want it, it broke her heart all over again.

She didn't know what to say to her daughter. Nothing could make things right. Nothing.

After a "how do you tell to your child you're going to die" book, they should make a "how do you comfort your child after telling them you're going to die shortly". They could do a whole collection.
This bitter thought makes Rebecca shake her head. She looked at her daughter who had her eyes cast downwards.

"Do you want yummy pan cakes baby girl? just you and me for the whole day?" Asked Rebecca.

Tara's head shot up. Did her mother just proposed to skip school entirely and to just have fun together?

"With mapple syrup and OJ and sliced apple?" she said, her voice full of delight.

She could forget for some hours of the tragic end of it all. She could. She would.

"Sure thing my princess! Come on!"

And they went to their flat, starting a mom/daughter day like they had only on weekends and on holidays.

After all, in a week or so I'll have to say goodbye forever, and to let her go to the unknown. God help me so it is not a big deal if she misses one or two days of school. Thought Rebecca.

***

Willow was so exhausted. She had almost fallen asleep in class. No. Not in class, in MATH of it all!! So yes she hadn't slept the night before and badly the night before that... And yes the class was boring because she was ahead of it when some of her classmates were so behind the teacher had to explained to them at least three times.

Honestly 7th grade isn't that hard... I may be smart, but am not Einstein!

Now it was time to do her homework. There wasn't so much to do. But once it was done she could search a bit more about how to make it legal to live alone before 18, at which age you could do such. She hadn't yet found very much information. She knew all about what an abusive parent could be condemned for, but nothing about being free of her mother before age.

This book of law wasn't really easy. Even as smart as she was, it was still boring to read it, and full of jargon, and also full of notes. Blah blah blah, refers to blah blah blah refers to blah blah blah refers to blah blah bloody blah would say Mr Giles. Even though he would never say bloody in front of her.

There was the Library, her home.

***

Giles knew Jenny and him should stop. It was past 3:00 pm and so any kids could come in. But she kissed so well. They were just kissing though, nothing too bad. Not making out. Yet it perturbed him that any child could come in and see them kissing.

Finally, the door opening made him and Jenny pull apart. A shy cough was heard, and then a babbled excuse.

"Huh, I'm sorry, I'm going to come back later if you want, huh I'm sorry. Sorry."

Ah Willow. His adorable Willow.

Jenny chuckled and went after the redhead who was trying to find where to go in the hallway of the school, while blushing furiously.

"Willow! Willow wait!" Jenny said after Willow.

Willow stopped dead in her track, fearing a reaction much like her mother's the day prior.

"Hey Willow come in, I'm sorry for what you so. Come in the library, Rupert has brought some cookies and apple juice."

Willow followed her computer class teacher but was very intimidated. She was afraid of being lectured about entering the library without knocking.

It was a weird feeling. To be afraid of Giles, it was something very weird. And it felt very wrong.

With a tiny voice she asked Jenny.

"Am I in trouble to not have knocked? I'm sorry I didn't know I had to knock on the Library's doors, I'm really sorry".

Jenny chuckled once again.

"Sweetie, don't be so sorry. You have done nothing wrong. You don't need to knock on a library's doors. How wrong would that be? Why would you be in trouble? You just walking in a place, and it happens that you saw two person in love kiss. Does it bother you? Do you want to talk about it before we come back in there?"

Willow was shocked. She felt at ease, yet something felt weird. It was so not like with her mother.

She shook her head to say no.

And so they entered the Library where Giles was alone, as all Fridays after school. Who stayed in school after 3:00pm? Only teachers, librarians secretaries and janitors. And Willow Rosenberg.

***

After the morning's emotions, Rebecca and Tara had had some Mamma/baby girl quality time. They had played together, they had watched a movie together too. they had cooked together. Now, in the middle of the afternoon, Rebecca didn't know what to do to ease her girl's thoughts.

It was a first time for her to not know what to do. Would the situation be normal she would have chase Tara around. But she could not do such a thing anymore.

They would have talked about plans for the weekend or for the next holidays, but she couldn't do that either. Well she could for the weekend. Their last weekend. But she wasn't going to ask to Tara "hey what do you want to do for our last weekend?". There was no way.

The closer she was of this day next week she had think would be best to take Tara to the center, the bitter she became. She wanted her baby girl.

"What do you want to do this weekend sweetie?" She finally asked.

"Can we go to the Aquarium? Please? I wanna see the dolphins." Asked Tara, her eyes shinning at the mention of those cetaceans.

"Sure, everything you want baby girl" Answered Rebecca while kissing her daughter's forehead.

"What about we watch Cinderella now? Please Mamma?"

And our lovely Maclay women watched Cinderella. Both trying to ignore the ache always present in their hearts.

[hr]

Thanks for reading.
Julia

[hondos]

DIBS...

Hi Juju,

Rebecca let out a sigh of relief. At least her daughter wasn't hurt, or kidnapped or another hundred of things she had imagined in this short moment of panic.

Poor Rebecca...I feel so bad for her..To have to go through this and so worried about her Tara.

Tara must have had questions she was afraid to ask me. Oh my poor baby girl, what do I put you through? You're too young for all of this.

And now there is guilt..What a horrable thing to be faced with.Trying to figure what is best for her.To tell the truth or not tell her.And Tara is so young.And she is Tara's whole world.
I would asume as well she must also be scarred at this point.Not just for Tara but for herself..It is beautiful the way you have writen this relationship.
It also is making this all the more tragic and painful for us as well.But, yes that is the point right?
The pening death of Rebbeca is what is making these wonderful moments for these two all the more beautiful.

She had spent her night writing letters, making plans, and reading. But she needed to do more research. And she needed help. She still hadn't come out with a plan to ask Giles, the librarian, this help without having him knowing it was a plan for herself. He would try to dissuade her. Or worse, to talk to her.. mother.
Sheila. Not my mother. And definitely never again Mommy. I may still have a mother, but not a Mommy. Thought Willow, her heart broken by the thought, yet unable to deny it.

"
Owiie
In this fic I have been so very impressed with the way you do this contrast of these two mother daughter relationships.Willow is staying up all night figuring how to get away from her mother while Tara is so despratly trying to find a way to keep her mother with her..Wonderfully done.Clear and very sad.

Oh yes thanks you Robert. I think I just needed some rest. All better now." She answered.

"
((Rose is now going to get her ice bucket cause I sence much hand owie on the way))Rest?? Is that what they call homemade porn??I had no idea that was what you call it...Is this some sort of CIA code??

Everybody is fine, thank you. And how is your daughter? Is Middle School doing ok? It is not always easy to be younger than the other kids." Said smiling Joyce Summers.
Sheila smiled kindly, but felt guilty. And yet at the same time, proud.
She's doing fine. She loves so much School. She made friends very easily."

Oh Sheila ,No no no , you have no right to feel proud.. .none at all. You deserve nothing as far as credit goes for Willow.
But I will let you have the guilt. .Yes Sheila , that is all you get ...Owie

Or did she? She didn't even know if her daughter had friends, if she liked Middle School. .

I am really somewhat happy about this Shelia moment..I am pleased that she is relizing how compleatly aweful a mother she is.I actually see this more and more in each update..Sheila's guilt I mean so I hope it is a good sign though somehow I doubt it will be anytome soon if ever..and I coulfd as well be way of base with my observation..I will have to wait and see I guess..

Well she would ask her during the weekend. She had turned down Harry to spend time with Willow.
They would go to the movies together, and do some shopping for Willow. Oh and they would go to the restaurant. She would have a great weekend with her daughter to make it up for the last few months.

"

Huuummm.. .Bye bye little moment of hope. ..Sheila is now back to being the asshole porn star she was yet again..Cruel Juju..That is what that wasAnd I really think that this weekend is not going to happen now for sure.Also the thinking here at this point is really frightning cause she seems to beleive that a movie and dinner and a store trip can make up for month after month of total neglect...She has now given herself the reason she can still be an ass again and then repeat this cycle...

But Doctor, Teddy Willow is what I have the most precious after Mamma. I have nothing else I can give you to save Mamma. Please?" Said Tara crying. She wouldn't listen to what the Doctor was saying. She knew she was being childlike. She knew All of this. But she wouldn't give up. She needed to believe there was something possible.
Don't leave me Mamma! Please? I love you Mamma, don't leave me please."
Her mother tightened her embrace and rocked her gently. Soothing words whispered in her ear.

However he was worried. He had seen Willow this morning and she was totally out. She was like a zombie. She didn't smile back at him, and the dark lines under her so young eyes were worrisome.

He knew she would be back around 3:15pm as usual, so he made a mental note to offer her some Apple Juice or Orange Juice and some cookies... And an ear to talk to. He knew how it was to be younger than his comrades, and he guessed that young Willow mustn't have the best family either.
He hoped her home was fine though, not a child in the world deserved bad parents. He knew something about bad parents...

Thank God for this here..This makes me happier then anything so far..Much hope for Willow from Giles...

"He didn't want my Teddy Willow..." Tara's head shot up. Did her mother just proposed to skip school entirely and to just have fun together?

"With mapple syrup and OJ and sliced apple?" she said, her voice full of delight.

Juju is big withthe maple syrup now...LOL How fun for these two her.It is a wonderful memory Tara can have and I am so very pleased by this...

After all, in a week or so I'll have to say goodbye forever, and to let her go to the unknown. God help me so it is not a big deal if she misses one or two days of school. Thought Rebecca.

"Huh, I'm sorry, I'm going to come back later if you want, huh I'm sorry. Sorry."

Ah Willow. His adorable Willow.
"Am I in trouble to not have knocked? I'm sorry I didn't know I had to knock on the Library's doors, I'm really sorry".

Poor Willow.Everywhere she goes she is treated to ome kind os sex follie...No, Im joking...That is sad though for Willow to feel so bad about entering the library..Score anouther one for Sheila...Owie


Well Juju again wonderful writing.Beta or not.It is very well done and incredibally emotion filled in so many ways.I am yet again very impressed with it..
Thank for sharing with us Sweetie...
I loved it as usual
Rose

[Zampsa1975]

Great disturbing update-y goodness Julia... I hope Willow finds a way to "divorce" her from her "mother"... And I really really really hope Tara to find mental strenght to cope with the coming death of her mother...

[Halo]

I need an emoticon with a big, huuuuuge tissue! please?

Glad to see this update, and YOU don't worry about this story being less good... I'm sure it won't happen
What a difference between Jenny's behaviour with Willow and Sheila's. That's really sad, but it seems like Sheila simply doesn't know how to act with her daughter. At least she's trying... But I'm not convinced, strangely enough!

Thank you for this, Juju!

PS: it may be totally out of the topic, but the name of "Rastapopulos" reminds me of a particular bad guy in Tintin... Lol. It sure lightens my mood: I'm here, crying while reading your story, and suddently I see that good old Doctor Rastapopulos... That helps!

Good luck with that bad, bad writer's block!! You can do it!
Pauline

[MsKittyB]

JuJu,

Who needs a hug? I do. I tried not to cry, but I did. Damn...

So will Rupert and Jenny save the day? It already seems as if there really concerned, and care a lot for Willow. Well a hell of a lot more than her mother does. So will Giles and Jenny be the on to help Willow? Please say yes!! Get Willow out of that dreadful place. Please!

Tara must have had questions she was afraid to ask me. Oh my poor baby girl, what do I put you through? You're too young for all of this.

Guilt trip! Guilt trip! I really hate the fact that this is happening to her. There is really no possible way she can say good-bye to your daughter. JuJu it's happening to fast! Can't we wait for another 20 years or so? *pouts* One week? Damn.. Somebody pass the tissues please!

Sheila smiled kindly, but felt guilty. And yet at the same time, proud.

What! Proud! Guilty... yes. I can understand that. But, proud?! She should be slapped in the face with a two by four just for thinking that.

I really did enjoy this sad, heartbreaking, yet astonishing, and beautifully written update. Can't wait for the next.

JáSenda

[LittleBit]

a very thought-provoking update. I loved how you described Willow and her thoughts/feelings after walking into the library and seeing Giles & Jenny kissing. Children really don't think like adults and your writing reminds me of a time that I'd almost forgotten! keep it up!

[Guest]

Childrens’ worlds are fascinating in themselves but the way you are choosing to explore this particular aspect of a child’s life is even more fascinating. Reminds me of the ‘big hurts and little tears’ concept and how in effect children are forgotten grievers.
I thought your little Tara was cute beyond words by the way.

Vi'

[Paint the Sky]

Julia, what a wonderful story this is. Willow’s pain and confusion is portrayed in a way that is so palpable that it really hurts to have to read it. Sheila needs a reality check very soon, her behaviour is irresponsible and already we are seeing how it is damaging her daughter, and no doubt there is more to come, those tapes for instance.

For Willow to be exposed at such a young age to things that she truly doesn’t understand has such fearful implications for her future development, but hopefully with Giles and Jenny’s help she will come to understand that life doesn’t have to be so bleak.

It’s also painful to watch Tara’s and Rebecca’s world crumbling around them, and Tara’s attempt to persuade the doctor to save her mother by making, what for her, is the ultimate sacrifice in offering Teddy Willow was both admirable and very touching. My heart goes out to Tara, and I wonder what the future will have in store for her. Will she be placed with people who will love her, or does her Father turn up to claim ownership?

I love the way both Willow and Tara hold on to that one day they spent together and that in their minds it’s their safe place, everyone needs a safe place, and Tara is going to need it even more very soon.

I hope you continue with this soon, but I can imagine how hard it must be to write at times, just having to explore this world from a child’s point of view where every hurt is just that much more painful because it is experienced by children.

As adults we can rationalise the world around us and put painful experiences in perspective so we tend to forget how things beyond our control affected us on a much deeper and personal level as children.

Lovely writing Julia, a pleasure to read.

[Dax]

Another update! How could I have missed it until today?

Well in any case, great writing my friend, even though it means that the story continues to get sadder and sadder – especially for Tara and her mother who’s heart’s breaking over the fact that she has to leave her baby girl alone in this hostile world.

Willow on the other side proves her brightness once again. I mean how many 10 year olds would come up with the general idea to find legal means to divorces themselves from their mothers?
Hope she’ll be successful.
I’m also interested in witch further role Giles and his girlfriend Jenny will play in Willow’s life… foster parents perhaps?

So keep up the good work my dearest friend, and give me a small hint before you update again – kay?

Dax